Sometimes I feel like it's just not real, and then I realise it is.... and I start to cry. The heaviness in my heart and those moments when the pain in my heart takes my breath away and all I can do is let out a moan of pain as the tears start again, is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. But most of all I hate being so far away from the rest of my family.... I just want to be with them. To share the pain with them, share my tears with them and hug them and have my dad hug me back...... But I know it's just the wrong time for me. I can't delay my treatment - especially not now. Mum would haunt me forever if I did !! God I miss her......I have two more days of Thalidomide and then that's it for a while. There's a chance I may have to take it regularly after my stem cell treatment.... but I have to wait and see what Dr Ben says in a few months time.
I had a bone marrow aspiration today or a "BMA" as they had written on the form. Have you ever noticed how certain numbers and letters follow you forever? In my life it's number 4 or 41 and then MM (Micromine, Multiple Myeloma) BMA are my dad's initials !! ... anyway I digress !! The bone marrow biopsy was a little painful. No sedative this time... just Dirk's hand to hold onto. (which did get crushed there for a few moments) The registrar did use a local anaesthetic which numbed the surface skin, but when she started to drill out part of the bone it got a little uncomfortable.... to say the least.... and then she went back in for the bone marrow. And the same feelings were experienced again. But overall after about 10-15 minutes it was over and I could relax while I had my Zometa infusion...... no problem.
On the way home we stopped off to pick up my new geeksters (glasses) After realising that I was holding books and labels further and further away from my eyes to read them, I needed to get my eyes checked, the optometrist prescribed me with my first pair of glasses. I figured if I was going to lose all my hair, then I would need something on my face to look nice.... so I picked out some groovy Prada ones !! Mum would have been proud !! Back at home, I started to work as the anaesthetic wore off. By around 4pm I felt like I'd been kicked in the arse.... hopefully all will feel better tomorrow.
Sitting in the Haematology Ward today, we listened to everyone around us. It's a great way of finding out information as most of the patients are going through the same thing. Most of the patients were men of about 55 yrs and over. But they all seemed relatively happy. The man next to me was having chemo. Exactly what I'll be having next week, so Dirk & I were listening to everything the nurses were saying.... suck on ice the whole time to prevent mouth and throat ulcers. Apparently the more you do it, the less chance of ulcers there is..... I reckon I'll be doing that, I'd lick the bloody freezer if I have to!!But before I start thinking about next week, we have to get through mum's funeral. I can't imagine how my family are all coping. In some respects, I wish I was there..... but on the other hand, am I fortunate that I'm not? .... I don't know.... Friday I'm having a morning tea / champers / get-together in memory of mum for all the friends she had in Perth. I know I'll sob, cry, get all teary.... but hopefully we'll have a good laugh too. That's the idea. No dreary mourning.... more of a celebration of the love mum bought to the different people she met. We have received the most beautiful flowers and cards this week. And the amount of messages has made me cry over and over again. I've said it before, we really are quite lucky to have the love and memories that we have. Even though it's an absolute bastard with what's happened this year. At least we have each other, and the most amazing family, memories and people around us.... for that we are extremely lucky ..... and blessed.
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