Tell the bar that we don't want no glass .... Just bottles and i'm buying everybody one each ........ Yes so bring the Veuve Clicquot ....... D about to hit the big 3 0 ..... Party like it's Carnival in Rio ...... Life's too short, Danny Devito ...... Yo, we live, we die, we give, we try, we kiss, we fight ....... All so we can have a good time .......

Hellloooooooo !!
For ten years !!!
It feels like it has been that long since my last post. It's funny how caught up in life I have once again become now that the drama has passed. It's like it never happened. Last year is definitely just a distance memory. I've even stopped saying things like "just think, this time last year ...." It briefly comes to mind, but is just as quickly dismissed as more important things come up.

Vancouver

Life is back in the fast lane. I have started traveling again (for work) Had a quick round-the-world stint to Vancouver - London (incl. a quick weekend at "home") - Dubai - Perth. Although the final legs took their toll on me and I came home with sore throat and head cold. But other than that all good. Not to mention the new suitcase I had to buy so I could fit my purchases in !! Note to self... buy a bigger suitcase for next time and take nothing !!

Dream situation !!

I have to have a rant though.... this morning I was on the way to work and this cyclist was all over the road. Weaving in and out of cars.... when he felt like it, he was on the footpath, when he didn't he was on the road.... and then, because my wheels went over the short starting point of the bike lane (literally a 15M long bike lane) he whacked my car roof and abused me. Needless to say my middle finger went straight up. My gutter mouth shouted abuse at him and I carried on. But it's one of those moments that leaves you fuming. There were so many things I wanted to shout at him. Like "make up your mind if you want to be a car, pedestrian or cyclist ...... you twat" or "you look like you've sharted in those ridiculous bike pants..... loser" but the one thing that cyclists have over us is that they can be off pretty quick and they all look the same so you can't report them.

Rant over.
 It appears I might be aging !! WTF ?? Yes how could that happen? I ask myself the same question every single day..... for the past 7 months I've had a pretty bad case of tennis elbow. Now for those of you that know me, you will understand. I mean, if it wasn't for my passion for school and work I would have been a tennis superstar !!  And my prowess on the tennis court on a regular basis has left me with a poorly elbow. I've been on anti-inflammatory pills every day, tried acupuncture, massage and physio, but nothing has helped. Dr Ben sent me for more blood tests and x-rays but nothing. So he referred me to a rheumatologist. I have now had further blood tests, another set of x-rays and an ultrasound. And guess what?.... it's tennis elbow !!!! I also have a touch of osteoarthritis in my hands, which is basically bought on by age !!! $1000+.... thanks for coming !! I could have looked in the mirror, checked out the crow's feet and given that diagnosis.......
On a brighter note though, my blood tests continue to be amazingly normal. Dr Ben couldn't stop grinning at my last appointment. I think I'm actually his poster child !!

So going backwards in time again, my work trip had some amazing moments. I was able to spend a weekend at "home" with my bro, sil and family. Unfortunately dad was away so we had to have a party at his house without him. I was able to catch up with friends who couldn't make it to our wedding in Jan. People that I grew up with and also helped mum in her last few months. It was also the anniversary of mum's death while I was there. I was soooo nervous about getting to England. I hadn't been back since before "everything". Last time I was there was Dec2011 when I surprised mum with a visit because she was sick. I was scared about the feelings I would have when I got there. I spent the first two hours of the flight from Vancouver to London crying under a blanket because I was petrified. But when I got there it was all good. It was not scary, it wasn't awful, it was nice to be home. It didn't feel strange..... On the Sunday we went to mum's "memorial place" it's not really a grave, and besides I could hear mum in my head saying "Don't know why you're going there, I'm not sitting under the ground waiting for people to visit !!" But I wanted to put some flowers there, and my sis had asked me to take some tulips, so I did. It was a gorgeous sunny day. The kids ran around the church gardens and it was happy.
So after a few sunny tears, we decided to hit the pub for some lunch. Perfect and just what mum would have wanted us to do !! After that it was back down to London for more work.....
.... and after that I flew home... via Dubai !! OMG what a place !! It was amazing. My besty lives there so she picked me up and showed me around. I have never been to a place like it. The shopping... the buildings.... the service !! LOVED it..... needless to say my new suitcase took more of a beating !! If you ever get to go to Dubai, you must go out to "Brunch" on a Friday..... I can't tell you any more...... just do it - you'll thank me.
Next stop is our honeymoon !!! I cannot WAIT !! 2 weeks in Koh Samui..... sun....sand and Thai food - what more could a girl want. Not to mention a wedding too. It's going to be amazing, I just know it. It cannot come soon enough.

 

But in the mean time, it's back to work...... as I type my hands are aching and my tennis arm hurts................................... but that's just old age !!!

(Go West) Sun in wintertime ….. (Go West) We will do just fine …..(Go West) Where the skies are blue ….. (Go West, this is what we're gonna do) ……

Date Night - Celebrations

It's been an inordinate amount of time since my last post !!  My last post was remission day !! Although I had been for a bone marrow aspiration and had to have one last set of bloods done just to make sure. The aches and pains haven't really gone away. My left foot is gradually losing feeling. I just have pins and needles and numbness in it now. Dr Brad said this was a result of the Thalidomide. Peripheral Neuropathy ..... I was surprised it had come so late. I stopped taking the Thalidomide in July, so why numbness now? Another question for my next appointment I guess......
I stopped wearing hats a few weeks ago. The weather is getting warmer and I just couldn't be bothered any more. After surviving the supermarket fiasco, I figured it couldn't get any worse than that so now I am the proud owner of a head of "bum fluff" as my dad calls it !! It's actually quite liberating once you get used to it. Nothing messes up my hair and I don't have to worry about colour, styles, humidity etc etc. !!! I just rub some sun screen though it and walk out the door.
So .... on Friday 19th October 2012 (which would have been my nana's 110th birthday) I went back to see Dr Brad - hopefully for the last time. We walked into his office at 9am (for our 8:30am appointment) and sat down. And he had the BEST news ever !! Everything had come back clear !! The bone marrow was good. My bloods were all normal, my Kappa results were 11 (they were 402 when I was diagnosed) The news was amaze balls !!! Totes amaze balls !!! I actually got up and hugged Dr Brad. He was also beaming from ear to ear. So that was that. All over.... he said he was very proud of me (such a nice Dr) and that he couldn't have been happier. I know not everyone gets as good a run as I have had. I've been extremely lucky for it all to have gone so well.
Next step is to go back to Dr Ben. Dr Brad was going to send the final report back to him and said to make an appointment soon - within the next 6 weeks - for a follow up.

When I walked out to reception and they asked if I needed a follow up appointment with Dr Brad I almost screamed "NO !! I DON'T NEED ONE, I'M IN REMISSION AND AM DISCHARGED !!" The girls on reception were all happy too. I had my Zometa appointment so Dirk left to go back to work and I went through to have my infusion. This will have to continue for a couple of years. But I don't mind that. If it keeps me healthy and strong I'll do anything. I may have to go on a maintenance drug.... Dr Brad thought maybe back on the Thalidomide, but after telling him about my numb feet, he said to really think about it and discuss with Dr Ben. As this was probably the cause, he wasn't sure it would be a great idea as it could continue to get worse.
I've also started back at work - in my new role too - Global Sales Manager !! Sounds very fancy hey !! Hmmm... I'll let you know just how fancy in a few months !!! It's been really full on since I got back. I'm still doing parts of my old job PLUS the new role all in 3 days a week. So I'm not sure if the total exhaustion is coming from my transplant or just plain old "back to work" !!!  Probably both if I'm really honest. But so far it's going OK.

Food at 1907

There has been a little bit of celebration too. Dirk & I went out for a fanTASTic meal on the night of 19th. We used one of our Engagement pressies (a voucher) for a restaurant in Perth called 1907 - OMG wowsers.... it was gorgeous. Great food, great company (my fiancé) and great service. We loved it. New fave restaurant I think.
Cricket is also back on, which means there have been a couple of catch up's at the club !! And then there's just the day to day celebration of life itself !! (a good excuse methinks) But I've realised that I don't have the capacity to drink as much any more. I just need to remind my brain of this fact before I fall over !! A challenge for me...... I totally blame my parents though.... its a genetic thing !!
Other than that, wedding plans seem to be coming along. I'm still not sure if I have everything covered or not. We went out to the wedding venue last weekend to chat about the day. I must admit, it's all seeming a little too easy. I'm pretty sure I must have forgotten a whole heap of things.... I guess I'll find out on the day.

Mexican Night - Ole !!

But I just can't wait to have the family here. Soooooo excited about it all. And not just my family, but all of my friends. People I haven't had the chance to see for a while. My besty from school, my cousins from the US, Uncle Alan, my gorgeous friend Maxy and her new little girl, not to mention my besty bridesmaid who was booking her ticket yesterday (YAY) from Dubai..... and then just everyone. I'm not going to bore you with my guest list !!!
Dad is on his way to us now. And this is one person I can't wait to see. It will have been almost one year to the day since I last saw him. I went back to UK last Dec to surprise mum when she was sick. I just turned up on the doorstep and rang the bell. They didn't know I was coming. That was the last time I saw dad, and that was also when my back pain started to get really bad too...... it's amazing what can happen in a year !!! But just to see everyone is beyond exciting for me at the moment. Just the thought brings tears to my eyes.
Just 63 days to go.......

Special Friends..... in stripes !!!

This life well it's slipping right through my hands...... These days turned out nothing like I had planned..........

sad (sd) adj. sad·der, sad·dest 1. Affected or characterised by sorrow or unhappiness. 2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.

grief [griːf]

n

1. Deep or intense sorrow or distress, esp at the death of someone

The past two weeks have been ........ sad, surreal, awful, emotional, lonely, tearful. There are so many words that don't seem sufficient for what I've been feeling. I still don't really think it's sunk in that I've lost my mum. I still picture her at home with dad. Still think about her all the time, still think that I can just pick up the phone and call her, and then I have to tell myself that she's gone. And I won't be able to speak to her again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over that. How does any daughter (or son) cope with that feeling?
The funeral was last Thursday and that was the worst day. I lay awake most of the night crying because I wasn't there. Crying because my dad had lost his best friend - the one that he'd been with since 1959. But most of all because we are just going to miss her so bloody much. Apparently, at the funeral there was standing room only. So many people were there that my family were overwhelmed. But I guess it's not really surprising as my parents have soooo many friends. And she was so incredibly loved by all the people that met her.
One of the nice things that has happened, is the amount of donations that have come in. Dad has asked that instead of flowers, people donate to either bladder cancer (UK) or leukaemia foundation (Australia) and when I spoke to him on Saturday he said they'd had over £1800 in donations to the two charities. 
Here in Australia, we decided to have a morning tea for mum so her friends here (and myself) could say goodbye too. It was sad, happy and lovely. Just having some of mum's friends around me helped. She really did know some beautiful people.
On Saturday, I slept until 1:30pm !! 
And now, I have just 4 days before I start stem cell replacement. Last Thursday I took my last Thalidomide for a while (I may have to continue taking it again later) and on Friday I go in for a dose of chemotherapy before being sent home with growth hormone injections for 10 days. Then I return to hospital for the stem cell harvesting..... it's going to be an interesting journey!!
I have a crazy week at work - last week of the financial year, performance reviews, new staff, interviews. And in between all of that I have to go for a heart scan and then the chemo on Friday. They say the chemo could make me tired.... it's going to be hard to know whether I'm tired from work or the drugs !! 
I have some TV shows saved to watch though. We've just started watching "Girls" and are about to embark on the first season of "Breaking Bad" so at least I won't get bored. And I can always blog .....
I'm not going to ramble on about how sad I am. My mum certainly wouldn't want me to. But I'm also going to make this a short entry as the big week ahead start in just a few short hours and I'm going to need some beauty sleep.
Big thanks go to everyone that has helped our family in the past few months, whether it's just a call or message to say you are thinking of us, or by physically being with one of us helping. Thank you to everyone. The cards, flowers, support, donations, messages.... everything has been overwhelming, but also comforting to know that all over the world we have support. Much love to you all.
And as my mum would say....... night night... god bless


This is the poem that my sister read out at mum's funeral - I think it's beautiful......

Do not stand at my grave and weep, by Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932 
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain. When  you  awaken  in  the  morning’s  hush I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. 

There were some guys on the trapeze at our local park tonight. 24-June-2012

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams…… Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before……. Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar…….. And you'll live as you've never lived before……..

I've never felt so sad and numb in my entire life...... and so far away.
Sometimes I feel like it's just not real, and then I realise it is.... and I start to cry. The heaviness in my heart and those moments when the pain in my heart takes my breath away and all I can do is let out a moan of pain as the tears start again, is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. But most of all I hate being so far away from the rest of my family.... I just want to be with them. To share the pain with them, share my tears with them and hug them and have my dad hug me back...... But I know it's just the wrong time for me. I can't delay my treatment - especially not now. Mum would haunt me forever if I did !! God I miss her......
I have two more days of Thalidomide and then that's it for a while. There's a chance I may have to take it regularly after my stem cell treatment.... but I have to wait and see what Dr Ben says in a few months time.
I had a bone marrow aspiration today or a "BMA" as they had written on the form. Have you ever noticed how certain numbers and letters follow you forever? In my life it's number 4 or 41 and then MM (Micromine, Multiple Myeloma) BMA are my dad's initials !! ... anyway I digress !! The bone marrow biopsy was a little painful. No sedative this time... just Dirk's hand to hold onto. (which did get crushed there for a few moments) The registrar did use a local anaesthetic which numbed the surface skin, but when she started to drill out part of the bone it got a little uncomfortable.... to say the least.... and then she went back in for the bone marrow. And the same feelings were experienced again. But overall after about 10-15 minutes it was over and I could relax while I had my Zometa infusion...... no problem.
On the way home we stopped off to pick up my new geeksters (glasses) After realising that I was holding books and labels further and further away from my eyes to read them, I needed to get my eyes checked, the optometrist prescribed me with my first pair of glasses. I figured if I was going to lose all my hair, then I would need something on my face to look nice.... so I picked out some groovy Prada ones !! Mum would have been proud !! Back at home, I started to work as the anaesthetic wore off. By around 4pm I felt like I'd been kicked in the arse.... hopefully all will feel better tomorrow.
Sitting in the Haematology Ward today, we listened to everyone around us. It's a great way of finding out information as most of the patients are going through the same thing. Most of the patients were men of about 55 yrs and over. But they all seemed relatively happy. The man next to me was having chemo. Exactly what I'll be having next week, so Dirk & I were listening to everything the nurses were saying.... suck on ice the whole time to prevent mouth and throat ulcers. Apparently the more you do it, the less chance of ulcers there is..... I reckon I'll be doing that, I'd lick the bloody freezer if I have to!!
But before I start thinking about next week, we have to get through mum's funeral. I can't imagine how my family are all coping. In some respects, I wish I was there..... but on the other hand, am I fortunate that I'm not? .... I don't know.... Friday I'm having a morning tea / champers / get-together in memory of mum for all the friends she had in Perth. I know I'll sob, cry, get all teary.... but hopefully we'll have a good laugh too. That's the idea. No dreary mourning.... more of a celebration of the love mum bought to the different people she met. We have received the most beautiful flowers and cards this week. And the amount of messages has made me cry over and over again. I've said it before, we really are quite lucky to have the love and memories that we have. Even though it's an absolute bastard with what's happened this year. At least we have each other, and the most amazing family, memories and people around us.... for that we are extremely lucky ..... and blessed.

As always it is the middle of the night, and I have to be up for work in a few hours. So must get some sleep.... if my family are reading this, know that I love you all sooooo much. And in about.... 3 months I will be ok to travel again.... so look out !! I will also be very keen to meet my new niece. Not to mention see my other niece & nephews. Love you xxxxx.... and to my mum, I love you forever....

You, you may say I'm a dreamer....... but I'm not the only one........I hope some day you'll join us ....... And the world will be as one.......

I've had the sad news this weekend that my mum is quite sick. She has gone back into hospital and is not expected to come home. Her cancer has now spread and her organs are gradually failing. My dad & brother are with her and my sister is flying from NZ to be there too. Unfortunately, due to my cancer & the start of my stem cell treatment, I won't be able to get over to see her. So I have written the following letter to her.....


Dear Mum,


This is a very hard letter to write. But I have to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. You always said if you were sick and couldn't look after yourself, then you'd want someone to shoot you. And I was the child that you knew would pull the trigger !! Well as it turns out, they won't let me come over !! Typical !! It never turns out how you wish, hey !! I'm sorry I can't be there mum. 


My first ever memory that I have, is from Kingsley Crescent. I'm not sure how old I was, but remember that old washing basket you had? The one that looked like a snake charmers basket.... I remember being in the kitchen and standing on my tippy toes trying to look inside it while you were pulling out the washing ready for the machine. I must have been about 2 or 3 because I'm sure that basket wasn't much more than 2 feet hight. Another memory is making tea for you and dad one morning, but because we weren't allowed to use the kettle, we made tea with hot water from the tap !! We thought it was perfect, I'm pretty sure you and dad pretended to drink it !! There are so many memories from our childhood.....


When we moved to Shenstone, we embarked on a whole lot more adventures..... James came along and he became my play doll. Our massive garden became our playground and most of my memories seem to be around summer and bbq's. Memories of you and dad all dressed up, going off to some ball or Round Table / Ladies Circle charter night are so vivid. The smell of dad's aftershave and the vision of you in the most beautiful ball gown walking into the lounge to show us, is something I'll never forget. You always looked so amazing, and so happy. We were always included in the excitement of everything.... whether we went with you or not. 


And then as I turned into a moody, hormonal, crabby teenager I became a nightmare. Arguing at every opportunity..... sulking at everything you said and trying to hurt you with words. I moved to Australia in '89 (aged 19) and even though it was hard for you, I was never made to feel like I shouldn't go. You told me to follow my dreams and that if you were offered the same opportunity, you would have wanted to go too. It wasn't until I was 29, that we really sorted out that moody, crabby, teenager attitude. When you came out to Australia in '99 it was like I was back to being a teenager.... and I acted like one. When Snapper told me off and told me to grow up, I realised I had been acting like a spoilt brat. It was time to be an adult and make friends with my mum. And I think from that time on, we became good friends. I realised what I'd been missing out on. I saw you for the gorgeous, funny friend that everyone else saw. 


Since then, I've loved every minute of our friendship. You are my idol. I admire you so much, the way you effortlessly complete things. The way you organise us all !! We sure are going to miss that. Everyone who meets you instantly loves you. Even over the past 18 months, you have made friends wherever you have been. I'm pretty sure that there will be nurses at the hospital that will be missing you already. 
Mum, I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I am going to miss you every single day. Who am I going to go to when I need a recipe? Who is going to help me sort out my wardrobe? Who is going to pack my suitcase with freshly ironed clothes? I'm so bloody angry that you won't be around. BUT.... it's ok.... we'll all be ok. We'll be ok because we all love each other. We are all so lucky to have the family we have, and with the memories that we have. There's not many families that are as lucky as ours. Even though we are miles apart, we will always be close. 


I love you mum. With all my heart. I wish you peace.
All my love forever - number 2 xxxxxxx

Every little step I take, you will be there ...... Every little step I make, we'll be together .......

So here's a quick update for you all on today's hospital visit.....

The next step is the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement.(ASCR) I went and met with my new haematologist specialist this morning. Dr Brad. Nice chap - very chatty, helpful and I didn't feel at any stage that he was trying to rush me or get rid of us. He explained everything and left us plenty of time to ask any questions. The nice thing about him was that he also specialises in Multiple Myeloma too. He is involved in the research and clinical trials associated with MM and has a keen interest in any of the research. At least this means he will have a vested interest in anything that happens throughout my treatment. He made me feel very comfortable about the next stage. We were also introduced to Tina the nurse practitioner who will be overseeing my treatment. She showed us around and went through the whole procedure. We made all the necessary appointments for bloods, chemotherapy, bone marrow biopsy etc etc.... and then sat and chatted more about what to expect.

The Stem Cell Process

It's all a bit daunting to be honest, but I did feel that I would be OK. I wasn't told it was all going to be fine. I was told it was going to be hard, a little bit painful and tiring. But at the same time, I was also assured that I would be under the best care possible and that they would be looking after me every step of the way.

So next week I go back in for bloods and a bone marrow biopsy. Then at the end of the month I start the chemo for the stem cell collection. This is where I will have a high dose of Cycloblastin (probably 2g) and will more than likely lose all of my hair..... I was offered a wig voucher ! - I will have to self administer growth factor injections for a few days before-hand and then will go in for a 5 hour stem cell collection, after blood tests to determine that the stem cells are at the right levels.

Once they have enough for two ASCR they will freeze the stem cells and send me home. After that, it's a matter of booking the time to have them transplanted back into me. This stage is still not 100% clear, there was so much information to take in on the first part that they didn't go too much into the next part. But needless to say, it's all starting and we're going ahead with it......


Well, that's all I have for now..... just thought I'd let you all know. Feel free to ask any questions......

you brought hope, you brought light……..conquered fear, it wasn’t always easy……...stood your ground, kept your faith……….

And as The Royal Barge moors against the banks of the River Thames..... I search for my bed. It's 12:30pm on this little Commonwealth country and as happy as I am to sit & watch Lizzy all night, I have things to do tomorrow so can't stay up much longer. I will have to watch the replay of the highlights. But I must say, at least our public holiday WA Day (previously known as Foundation Day) has coincided with Diamond Jubilee day. Although having said that I'm a little disappointed that the whole Commonwealth doesn't see fit to give us 2 days off to celebrate our Queen !! ..... I'm just saying.....
 We've had a fab day today... I made some macaroons to take over to our neighbours (G & C) where we were invited for lunch. Loved it. They are great entertainers and we sat outside looking over our roof at a slightly better (?) view than ours (higher than our place but couldn't see the city.....) and ate and drank and talked non-stop. Before I knew it myself & C had polished off 2 bottles !! As I said lovely. I was feeling pretty druggy. Yesterday was the start of the "run out of pills cycle7" Dr B told me to carry on taking Thalidomide every day, but to just run out of everything else. So Saturday I took my second to last dose of Cycloblastin and then yesterday, today & tomorrow is all I have to take of Dexamethasone and then that's it !! wahooooooo !! I won't know what's hit me not having to take those drugs..... although with the next appointment with my new Dr B looming, who knows how long it's going to be before he sends me in for the mega doses of chemo and the start of the Stem Cell Replacement !! ah well... mentally it's nice to know I'm nearly out of pills. It's been 129 days of them so far.
So anyway, back to today and my baking !! We got back from G & C's and I needed to prepare for tomorrow. It's Dirk's dad's birthday and he has requested everyone to bring a curry. I decided I needed to bake more macaroons too, oh and a birthday cake for him. So we hit the kitchen. My macaroons were ok-ish.... (ok so the last batch "may" have been out of a Donna Hay box) and mine were a real recipe..... the weren't shiny !! Does anyone know why? They looked a bit matt and not smooth.... I'll have to google why. They tasted bloody lovely though. The chocolate ganache filling works a treat!! I made the cake, but am filling it tomorrow with jam & butter cream. And the Rogan Josh is in the slow cooker over night ..... smells bloody delicious.... I'll be dreaming of India tonight..... or maybe Leicester !!!

Sitting in the Chair Relaxing

Zometa Infusion

Seeing as I'm coming to the end of one stage of this health journey and about to start the next, I've been doing a bit of reflecting. It's been a bloody tough 4 1/2 months in some respects.... especially for Dirk who's had to sit and watch, worry and cop every mood swing that he has just happened to be in the vicinity of, when they happen !! (ok not sure if that sentence makes sense but I think you'll know what I'm trying to say) ... but back to me... I'm not saying it's been an easy few months, in fact anything but easy. But I also appreciate how lucky I've been through all of this so far.   Sitting in the hospital on Friday as I had my Zometa infusion shows me this. There are all sorts of people in there for (I'm guessing) all sorts of chemo at every stage of treatment. Some look sicker than others. But they all smile - most of the time - but I see how lucky I've been so far. I've carried on working, and although some days have been a real struggle, I haven't had to quit or even go part-time. I've remained relatively healthy throughout. These next few weeks I need to be really careful. There is a lot of sickness around at the moment, and the last thing I want to do is pick up a bug right before I start the stem cell stage. I'm a bit scared about this next part. Mainly because I really don't know what to expect, how I'm going to react to the treatment and how I'm going to feel. With the way everything has gone so far, I'm sure I'll be fine. I know it's going to be tough.... but I'm young, healthy and strong. So this is a real positive. But it's still scary !! One of the things I'm a bit scared about is all the needles and drugs. I'm not scared of needles at all but I get the feeling that all the needles I've had so far are nothing compared to what I'm about to experience. And the drugs I've had so far..... a drop in the ocean compared to the next stage .... yikes !! Oh well, if I expect the worst, I can look back later on and say "well it wasn't as bad as I was expecting" !! hahaha. And there is always someone doing it much harder than I am, so I do appreciate how lucky I am. No more whinging...... especially as I'm no longer a pommy !! OMG can I say that?? Sorry mum, I'll always be English, don't worry. I know my heritage !! Especially on day like today too !! BTW - the title lyrics of todays blog are from Gary Barlow & Andrew Lloyd Webber's special Diamond Jubilee song 'Sing" I haven't heard it, I just found it and Googled the lyrics, so if it's a really crap ditty, I completely apologise. But I did read that Harry did a tambourine solo on the song which I thought was nice..... wonder if Pippa finds that a turn on?? I guess he'll find that out later at the after party !! And we will read all about it in next week's illustrious and fabulously articled Women's Magazines.... and I will ready said article in about 10 years time in some dentists waiting room and find out what really happened as I don't read the aforementioned mags !!
And so .... time for sleep. Night night, God Bless all and
God Save The Queen !!

I wonder if you can pick up.....My accent on the phone.....When I call across the country......When I call across the world......

The Benefication of Coal.... Washability Tables..... Interpolation..... this is the current subject I am sitting in, at work. As I look around the room everyone seems to understand what is being talked about..... and then there's me !!! Although I just got a quick look at the person's laptop next to me, and she's looking at holidays in Koh Samui !! .....
My week so far has been ok.... in an "ordinary" world I would have been enjoying the week. (From a nerdy... I like my job perspective) But add Cycloblastin, Dexamethasone & Thalidomide to the mix and the fun factor changes completely. My business unit is running a training week for all of our technical people from our international offices. It has been arranged predominantly by the operations manager. All good I hear you cry..... until he took sick last Wednesday and hasn't been back to work since !! The visitors arrived on Fri / Sat, with a day out to The Swan Valley organised for Sunday. And out of the five people that would be running the conference for the week (from the Perth office) three of them were sick. So Sunday I went out on a bus to play Supa Golf and taste wine, cheese & chocolate.... not bad at all actually !! I even managed to come home with a case of wine and an oversized bag of chocolate too !!

It is now Wednesday and the week has been run mostly by one guy that has only been with the company for a few months.... (He'll probably want a pay rise now !! yikes !!) It's actually not been too bad, but the stress levels have been running pretty high, as I'm worried that some of the content has been missed..... Being a "non technical" person there's not a great deal of value I can add, so I just sit here and make sure that I look interested and am here to support the "technical" people and make sure no-one falls asleep!! Monday & Tuesday were horrendous for me. They always are, coming down from a Big-Drug-Saturday. It's the shittiest kind of feeling. The worst part is the complete exhausted feeling. Every bone, muscle, blood cell and tissue in your body is tired and sluggish, so to do anything is a real struggle. And the birdcage mouth is beyond awfulness !! The hardest part though is pretending that you're ok. I'm not sure how many people I fooled, Dirk will tell you that he certainly copped it back at home, most of my niceness was exhausted by the time I got home..... I knew I'd start to feel ok by today... and I have. The cloud is lifting. I'm taking them out tonight for dinner in the hope this will score me some brownie points !!

I really should get myself a Dictaphone though. The past few days I've had the most amazing ideas that I wanted to blog about..... little subjects that I thought would be good to discuss, but for the life of me I can't remember any of them now.. I can say they were amazing ideas because you'll never know !! If I remember them now and add them, you might think they're shit ideas..... but in my mind they were bloody good ones !! I'm not even close to remembering them now. Yesterday when I was driving home, they mentioned on the radio it is 209 days to Christmas.... this is a good Facebook update (I thought to myself) I knew it would wind people up.... I was excited to see who would bite .... didn't take long !! It's like supporting "parents who slap their kids" Love it !! I'm a big supporter ....

Next Friday is the day I get to meet my new Dr. Another heaematologist. He will go through the procedure of the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement and I should have more of an idea about timing etc after this appointment. This leaflet explains quite simply about the procedure. It goes wthout saying that it's going to be a tough journey..... at random times my mind starts to think about what's ahead. I can be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly I'm thinking about stem cell replacement and chemo...... or half way through a phone call at work, it's not hard to lose your train of thought when this happens. Sometimes I don't know if it's better to be alone with my thoughts or worse.... It can be pretty echoey in my mind sometimes. Other times I can't even hear myself think because of the cacophony !!

Eye's are drooping like you wouldn't believe so going to sign out and publish this, but I will edit again tomorrow so......... watch......... this..............space................

Up ahead in the distance ......I saw a shimmering light.......My head grew heavy and my sight grew dimmer..........

The number of times I've felt like my head has grown heavy and my sight got dimmer is now a blur.... one day blurs into the next these days. Some days are better than others and some days are just plain shit !!
BUT.... today is a good day !!..... and I'll tell you why.... 
I have just got back from seeing Dr Ben.... and he is "stoked" a good Aussie word.... but these are his exact words... "I'm stoked, actually I'm REALLY STOKED" and he was smiling !! Now a smile from a specialist Dr is a very rare occurrence. They are serious, straight faced, show-no-emotion types. They do not give you hope, but do not give you dread either. Just facts. But today Dr Ben was smiling, and was happy and he made me feel like I was his best performing student that he had at the moment !!
..... the reason...? my Kappa results...... you may remember that my last results were received after I had seen him, so I wasn't 100% sure that they were real as I hadn't had the chance to actually discuss them with him. I had gone from a reading of 144 to 29.8. And today's results were around the same at 31.9 !! All other readings were good too. Nothing to worry about. Calcium good, red platelets etc etc all good. He was SMILING !!!! He looks nice when he smiles... he should definitely do it more often !! So the next stage is now about to start.... this bit is still a little hazy. We sorted out my pills for the next few weeks and he suggested that I finish off the chemo Cycle (6) that I'm on, and then just run out of Dexamethasone and Cycloblastin, and after that just continue on with the Thalidomide. This is huge for me... I can't remember how it feels anymore not to have ups and downs from Dexa & Cyclo.... it will be interesting.
However.... before the drugs have the chance to wear off I get to go and meet the new specialist... Dr Brad. He will be doing the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement. This is where I'm still a little hazy. Dr Ben spoke briefly about the process but both Dirk & I were still a little lost abojtit all. I guess when I meet Dr Brad things will be a little clearer. Dr Ben talked about the day long chemo infusion at the start of the process, and the chemo that I go on, on the lead up to the harvesting of my bone marrow from my blood. But I'm still not sure how it all happens exactly. And even less clear on the timing if how it all happens. But for now, I don't have another appointment with Dr Ben. It's all over to Dr Brad until I hear otherwise. The appointment is on June 8th with him. It will probably be 3-4 months before I see Dr Ben again..... this is it..... the beginning of the next stage. Watch this space.....


And so... to the boring stuff that makes up the better part of my life.... day to day grind !! The recovery from our regional manager's week has been looong. In fact it hasn't really happened yet.(the recovery that it) I'm on annual leave as of Friday, so this is when I will finally sit back, sigh and take a break. This week has been as full of meetings and deadlines as last week. And I haven't actually met all of them. I've managed to make it to work on time (by 9am most days) managed to attend all of the meetings. But by attending all the meetings, I don't get to do the work required in between. Aaahhhhh the joys of management I guess !! Tomorrow is the last day to complete anything that needs to be done before next week. And if it doesn't get done..... too bad !! I'm out of there. Off to Broome and will be basking by the pool drinking cocktails and riding camels at sunset before buying pearls and not worrying about work emails or deadlines for five whole days !!! We booked this holiday last October. When cricket season had just begun and we were looking to the next free weekend we would get ..... long before Christmas, cancer & chemo...... a lifetime ago !! And it is now only a few short hours away.... and I must say... I'm a little bit excited !!
So apart from that, not much more to report at the moment. Good news all round from this side. I'm off the Dexa's today so have just about fallen into a heap now. Completely exhausted and about to pass out. So this will be a short and sweet update. Hopefully tomorrow will be productive enough to get as much finished as I can before we leave. Our trusty house sitter will be in to look after our precious pups. Without him, we just wouldn't go away anywhere..... My Thalidomide are now beginning to kick in so I will sign off before I gabble on about nothing even more. Good Night all xxx

We've golden soil and wealth for toil....... Our home is girt by sea..........

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie........ Oi, Oi, Oi !!!!
And so... after 8220 days..... 1174 weeks...... or 22 years, 6 months and 3 days I have become an Australian Citizen.....
It was all a bit of a rush, but then the whole week has been like that. Since Sunday I have not had the chance to scratch myself. At work this week we have had a regional managers conference. Manager's from all of our international offices have been in town. (Brazil, China, Kazakhstan, Russia, Turkey, Indonesia, UK, USA, Mongolia, South Africa & the Australian management group) I really struggled Monday & Tuesday - had the shakes and the after effects of all my drugs plus the Zometa infusion on Friday running through my system. In fact when I look back at the early part of the week now, it's all a bit hazy !!
I also picked up my new car on Monday too. Fantastic !! And the more I drive it, the more I like it. I was quite sad to say goodbye to my 3 series - it was such a beautiful car to drive. But having said that I am now suitably impressed with my new one...... the dogs also got their first run in the car on Tuesday - well seeing as the main reason for changing over the vehicle was for their benefit we thought we'd better test run the boot !! - all was (of course) perfect. They jumped in and were contained beautifully. Maverick stood proudly looking out the windows and Charlie lay down under Maverick's feet and "tried to" relax.
As the week wore on the effects of the drugs gradually began to calm down with just the daily effects of the nightly Thalidomide to content with..... a few jitters, mild shakes and a feeling of being whacked out whilst on the equivalent of 10 red bull's. I managed to make it into work pretty much on time every day (by 9am) and stayed the full day each day too.
Thursday morning I got up at 6:30am and took Dirk's car to be detailed, north of the river. Then picked it up at 5pm, rushed home.... as much as you can in peak hour traffic. Quick change before rushing back out to Melville Civic Centre for my citizenship ceremony. When we arrived, the Mayor greeted Dirk immediately - recognising him as one of his former students.... he was Dirk's maths teacher from school !! Nice chap with a big grin and quick wit. I liked him. We spent the next hour watching as four groups of about 15 people each group voiced their pledges to Australia and became Aussies. I was in group two. I'd decided to do the pledge with "God" in it. (You had a choice to either leave Him out or have Him in..... I decided to leave Him in.... no reason really, I just did. And with the way things are at the moment, I think a girl needs all the help she can get, so if God is going to help me, the least I can do is acknowledge Him !!)
We were asked if we wanted to stay for a cup of tea.... however we had a work dinner. I had cheekily asked if Dirk could join too as I really wanted to share a dinner with all the guys from work, but also wanted to celebrate with Dirk after the ceremony. My MD was very happy for Dirk to come along, so we dashed out straight after a quick pic next to the flag with the Mayor. Arrived at The Old Swan Brewery in time for a celebratory glass of NZ SSB - much more appropriate than a cup of tea in my mind !! and once everyone had arrived we sat down. We had a great night. At each course, we all moved round the table four spots so everyone had to talk to new people. I really enjoyed myself. Food was excellent too. Although far too much !! We got home at midnight.... I popped my Thalidomide and crashed out.
Friday we finished off the week with a few discussions and final meetings. Then headed to UWA for a Micromine Soiree. I was tiring BIG time by this point. The week was beginning to take it's toll. I managed to enjoy a glass of vino before deciding enough was enough..... so I bid my farewell's to the international visitors and made a quick exit. It was Friday.... which means only one thing in our house..... Pizza night !! But it was an ordered one this week. We just couldn't face cooking. It arrived in the obligitory 30 minutes. and 30 minutes later I was asleep..... lights out.... stick a fork in me.... I was done !!
Today we managed to get a few jobs done. It was a gorgeous day, sunshine, warm with just a light breeze. We fixed the fence, stained the outdoor table & chairs and Dirk mowed the lawns. Now we're watching the footy. I'm happy because the team I tipped are winning, unfortunately I tipped against Dirk's team, so he's not happy !! I guess you can't win them all.
It's Aussie Mother's Day tomorrow. Dirk's off to his parent's beach house to help with an annual clean up. I'm off for Dim Sum breakfast with a girlfriend .... I think I won on that one !! haha. Not sure what else we'll do. I started Cycle 6 today so I may have to play it by ear..... Blood tests again on Monday in time for a visit to Dr Ben on Wednesday. I'm interested to see what he says about my results. Hopefully he'll be as happy as I am.

Late news .... just in..... I've just found out that my mum is coming out of hospital today !! Yay, yippee... I am so pleased she's headed home. And in time for Mother's Day too !! I'll have to make a call to dad and make sure that he spoils her on our behalf :-) Now the road to recovery starts again for mum. This time it will be successful !!! Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow mum. Love you loads xxxxx
One last thing before I sign off.... I'm having a "Biggest Morning Tea" for cancer fundraising at work on 25th May. It's at work so hopefully a few work colleagues will come and share a cup-cake or two. But if anyone wants to donate you can do it here...

99 dreams I have had……...In every one a red balloon……..

Day 99 of chemo today..... wow how time flies when you're having fun hey !!! 28th January 2012 was Day 1 .... now 98 days later I have results saying things are looking ok.... (I hope)
It's hard to stay positive when there has been let downs in the past. I mean.... I was so positive with the preliminary tests in the beginning. I didn't have cancer, that was impossible. Not me .... so now I'm positive, but hesitant to "jinx" it in case I have to find more energy to fight through another set back..... But... if I do.... I will !! Just don't jinx it.
The past couple of weeks have actually been relatively good. I've been enjoying work, been distracted by the focus of my job. It's the time of the year I get to do planning, budgeting and real strategy stuff.  I'm still not sure what the opinion at work is of my performance. They have been really amazing and patient with me. Allowing me to work around my feelings and appointments. I've tried to be honest and have made sure I've put in the hours etc. But you never really know whether it's enough.....The distraction from my health has been good for me. I've enjoyed it. I felt like I did working before diagnosis.
And then there has been the past 24 hours..... Zometa, Thalidomide, Cycloblastin & Dexamethasone all in 24 hours (as well as the daily antidepressants, aspirin to keep my blood thinner, muti-vitamin, heartburn tablet and calcium supplement)...... and until around 1pm today I wasn't too bad..... and then it hit me - POW!!!
I was out for a beautiful afternoon tea the The Duxton with some girlfriends..... and it started to get worse and worse.... jaw clenching... sweats... shakes (ohhh the shakes)...... loss of focus..... I think I did ok for the first hour but after that, I went downhill as fast as Ingemar Stenmark  !!
I had to make a fairly quick exit - say thanks and goodbyes and head home..... where I crashed !! I was wiped out as quickly as the little afternoon tea scones and finger sandwiches that were devoured only an hour earlier !! Which by the way were absolutely divine !!
And of course.... with a stint on the Dexa's comes that spending issue too.... GULP !!! I'd like to say that it's been under control, but today really made up for all the other little bits that have been creeping into the house via eBay, amazon etc etc..... A New Car !!! OMG - and I am soooo excited. OK so it's not brand new or anything stupid, but I'm still excited. Firstly I test drove an Audi A3 - but it just underwhelmed me.... a little disappointing. It was probably a great car, perfect for what we needed, a good price (yawn), practical, fitted the dogs in the boot, zippy and all that..... but it was just a car. It was boring (and it had scratched on the doors and no bluetooth !! Helloooo what car doesn't have bluetooth these days????)
So we drove up the road to a BMW dealership and had a look at an X3. It's got a few KM's on the clock, but drove beautifully, looks good and has all the extra's I was looking for ..... and it felt GOOD to drive. It had that something special about sitting in it.... that feeling..... it was nice. We got a good trade-in price for my old car so did the deal there and then. Now all I have to do is wait until Monday to go and pick it up !! Wahooo..... Now before you criticise the buying of a new car... we needed it. It was a decision that has been a few months in the making due to the fact that we have a 10 month old puppy that has grown into King Kong! The back seat of a sedan is no place for such bear.... yet alone two of them. So it's a practical decision, based on necessity. OK I'm now convinced... are you?? See it doesn't take long <insert cheeky grin & wink here>
Next week is another full-on work week. It's planning week with all of our Regional Managers in town from the overseas offices. Ordinarily a really good week. A lot of work and discussions followed by a bit of a laugh (assuming there's no bollocks to bust) and some dinners and drinking. I'm pretty sure this week will be no different, but the way I'm feeling may affect how my week pans out. Early start and late finishes are more of a struggle these days.

I'll also officially become an Aussie this week !! I have my citizenship ceremony on Thursday!! Only 23 years in the making...... I'm going to pledge allegiance to the Queen and give up my pommy vote for an Aussie one. I'll be able to vote for the first time in my life (at the age of 42 !!) how exciting ! I can't wait for the next election to actually have an opinion...... ha !!

Mum has also had a full on week - radiation this past week every day..... hopefully it will have helped and made some difference. She is still in hospital. She doesn't want to be released home until we know she's good to go. And there are still a few obstacles to get through before that time. We chatted today and it was nice to talk. I hope she wasn't putting on a positive, cheery voice just to try and convince me.... if she did it probably worked, because I thought she sounded good. We had tried to Skype but the connection was crap so we had to make do with a phone call. No visual !! One of the things you do when you are so far apart is always try to sound cheery so that the other side won't worry !! I've tried to be honest with mum because I think she has some idea of what I'm going through. Albeit different, she know's the feelings and the internal thoughts that run through your head constantly. So mum if you are reading this and really feel like shit, please tell me. I'd rather know. You have my blog to know when things are tough.....

Well, it's now close to 2am and although I still don't feel sleepy, I think I should give the pillow a good try and get some shuteye. I'll leave you with one last pic of a little splurge I made just prior to the car purchase.... Dirk, I hope you don't mind !! Love you baby !! I just couldn't resist and mum really liked them too.....

Ribbon For Bladder Cancer

I've also been on the cancer fundraising website and found some Multiple Myeloma ribbons etc. Just in case anyone is interested - they also have ones specifically for Bladder cancer (which is what mum has) Click here for a look.....

Oh yes and one last another thing !! I'm doing a fundraising morning tea at work for cancer (am I becoming one of those annoying types??) I figured a few cupcakes for morning tea would be a good thing. And if people wanted to donate to a worthy cause then why not..... if you can't make it you can still donate .... yes? click here....

OK that definitely it for the night...... I'm off to sleep now..... night night xxxxx