I sing myself to sleep…...A song from the darkest hour…….Secrets I can’t keep……..Insight of the day……..Swing from high to deep…….Extremes of sweet and sour…….Hope that God exists…….I hope I pray…...

Do you ever feel like you're not actually in your body ? ... sort of disconnected from your skin.... nothing feels quite right. Your fingers tingle and everything you touch doesn't quite feel real. When I try and describe how these drugs have made me feel over the past 5 months, I can't quite put it into words.... what I'm writing is not how I want to describe it !!!

• That feeling just before you vomit......
• That feeling when you see a footy player fall and snap his leg on a bad fall....and then they play it in slo-mo.
• That feeling when you're freezing cold & step into a hot bath.....
• That feeling when you slice your finger and you see the bone .... before it stings....
• That feeling when you see a small kid get their fingers trapped in a slamming car boot ...
• That feeling when you have really bad flu and feel all weak..... Then cough ! .....

And meanwhile.... the tips of my fingers and toes tingle and go between feeling normal and numbness. This has caused me to start biting my nails again ... so now i have the most awful looking hands & fingers.
The blood in my body fizzes and sloshes. When it's fizzing, you feel like you've just come off a roller coaster ride. When it's sloshing, you feel like you've just been on a boat for 10 hours and are trying to get your sea legs back.
My jaw feels constantly tight, so I have to yawn & stretch my mouth all the time. I pull the most amazing faces whilst driving to work trying to stretch out my mouth, lips & jaw !! People probably glance at me and think I'm weird !! (or worse)
The pain in my back has just about gone now, except for a slight twinge here and there.....this is like someone giving you a dead arm.... but it's in my lower hip/ bum.... you go to stand up, but it's dead or weak, so you stumble ... just a little.
The tingling in my lips and mouth feels like I've eaten a bag of the hottest chillis, but without the heat..... Just the tingling is there....
The change in taste buds is just plain annoying. Some days even the thought of water makes my stomach turn. The bitter after taste is like that first sip of water to clear your mouth after you've just puked up !!
And finally, I'm now wearing glasses.... only for reading, only for close computer work.... but things are a lot more blurry these days.

So on Friday morning..... first thing..... I get to find out the next part. And I think I'm a little bit nervous !! It's all that's on my mind at the moment.... We have so many unanswered questions. We have no idea what to expect....... it's just unknown at the moment.

• Cancer is like a gatecrasher at a party that you can't get rid of without calling in the 'big guns' to help !!
• Cancer invades like squatters in a unsuspecting house.... they say possession is 9/10th of the law..... to get rid of them takes effort, time, patience and a planned attack.
• Cancer is like algae growing in a river.... it's only when the fish start dying that you realize there's a problem, but to get rid of it takes immense measures....

Hopefully Friday will bring some answers for me ..........