I drink a little more than recommended....This world ain’t exactly what my heart expected....Tryna find my way someway, oh I, oh I, oh I.....

Hello, my name is Vicky and it's been 257 days since my last blog !! <inset round of applause here> 

I don't know why I stopped writing my blog. Maybe because it was a bit of a reminder of "sick times" and now I'm well.... maybe I just got lazy (more likely) or just caught up in the rat-race again.....I also think that when I first intended to write my blog, it was going to be about my journey through chemo, stem cell transplant etc. In the hope that my story might help someone that is going through things alone..... I know my journey isn't over, but I don't want to bore people. But then I guess you don't have to read if you're bored ! <yawn> Maybe I just got caught up again in the rat-race called living !! I can say though that in the past 257 days since my last blog I have been to South Africa, Thailand / Koh Samui, New Zealand, Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver and in just a few short weeks will head to Bali. So not a bad rat-race really.....

So... what now? I've decided to continue writing, if and when I feel the urge. I constantly blog in my head. Meandering thoughts about what I would write each day... but then forget when I'm near my computer to write it down. So I may do random blogs.... some short, maybe just the odd picture here and there.... or a new song I've just heard that tickles my fancy ! (Thanks CT for the title song )

The past 257 days have also bought an abundance of births and marriages amongst our friends. I am proud to be "Aunty Vix" to so many new additions. Dirk & I are more than happy to entertain and enjoy watching the new kiddlies - but no, this doesn't mean we have changed our minds. We can hand them back as soon as the A) Cry, B) Smell, C) I get Bored !! It's the perfect solution. But we still get to spoil them and get cuddles and giggles..... so blessed.

I'm still taking heaps of pic's. Not one everyday, but especially since I've been on the road so much. And I'm cooking a lot. I've noticed this seems to be one of the major hobbies that I enjoy and helps me wind down after work. We've been eating some pretty shit hot food lately (even though I say so myself !) and I have been going mad cooking curries, bread and cup-cakes. Dirk & I are still attending our cooking classes. This year, we're doing "meat" classes (sorry to all you vegetarians) The classes are pretty amazing... learning about different cuts of meat and tasting them. The class is taken by a local (very well known and popular) butcher. 

Oh and I forgot to mention... my health is still good. I've just about finished having Zometa infusions now and my blood test results have not shown anything out of normal range for the past year. (Yay)

So there it is... a boring blog about nothing..... but for those of you that take the time to read it - thank you. And I guess it's good to have nothing to write about other than travel, good health and cooking.... especially given the reason for starting it......

Tell the bar that we don't want no glass .... Just bottles and i'm buying everybody one each ........ Yes so bring the Veuve Clicquot ....... D about to hit the big 3 0 ..... Party like it's Carnival in Rio ...... Life's too short, Danny Devito ...... Yo, we live, we die, we give, we try, we kiss, we fight ....... All so we can have a good time .......

Hellloooooooo !!
For ten years !!!
It feels like it has been that long since my last post. It's funny how caught up in life I have once again become now that the drama has passed. It's like it never happened. Last year is definitely just a distance memory. I've even stopped saying things like "just think, this time last year ...." It briefly comes to mind, but is just as quickly dismissed as more important things come up.

Vancouver

Life is back in the fast lane. I have started traveling again (for work) Had a quick round-the-world stint to Vancouver - London (incl. a quick weekend at "home") - Dubai - Perth. Although the final legs took their toll on me and I came home with sore throat and head cold. But other than that all good. Not to mention the new suitcase I had to buy so I could fit my purchases in !! Note to self... buy a bigger suitcase for next time and take nothing !!

Dream situation !!

I have to have a rant though.... this morning I was on the way to work and this cyclist was all over the road. Weaving in and out of cars.... when he felt like it, he was on the footpath, when he didn't he was on the road.... and then, because my wheels went over the short starting point of the bike lane (literally a 15M long bike lane) he whacked my car roof and abused me. Needless to say my middle finger went straight up. My gutter mouth shouted abuse at him and I carried on. But it's one of those moments that leaves you fuming. There were so many things I wanted to shout at him. Like "make up your mind if you want to be a car, pedestrian or cyclist ...... you twat" or "you look like you've sharted in those ridiculous bike pants..... loser" but the one thing that cyclists have over us is that they can be off pretty quick and they all look the same so you can't report them.

Rant over.
 It appears I might be aging !! WTF ?? Yes how could that happen? I ask myself the same question every single day..... for the past 7 months I've had a pretty bad case of tennis elbow. Now for those of you that know me, you will understand. I mean, if it wasn't for my passion for school and work I would have been a tennis superstar !!  And my prowess on the tennis court on a regular basis has left me with a poorly elbow. I've been on anti-inflammatory pills every day, tried acupuncture, massage and physio, but nothing has helped. Dr Ben sent me for more blood tests and x-rays but nothing. So he referred me to a rheumatologist. I have now had further blood tests, another set of x-rays and an ultrasound. And guess what?.... it's tennis elbow !!!! I also have a touch of osteoarthritis in my hands, which is basically bought on by age !!! $1000+.... thanks for coming !! I could have looked in the mirror, checked out the crow's feet and given that diagnosis.......
On a brighter note though, my blood tests continue to be amazingly normal. Dr Ben couldn't stop grinning at my last appointment. I think I'm actually his poster child !!

So going backwards in time again, my work trip had some amazing moments. I was able to spend a weekend at "home" with my bro, sil and family. Unfortunately dad was away so we had to have a party at his house without him. I was able to catch up with friends who couldn't make it to our wedding in Jan. People that I grew up with and also helped mum in her last few months. It was also the anniversary of mum's death while I was there. I was soooo nervous about getting to England. I hadn't been back since before "everything". Last time I was there was Dec2011 when I surprised mum with a visit because she was sick. I was scared about the feelings I would have when I got there. I spent the first two hours of the flight from Vancouver to London crying under a blanket because I was petrified. But when I got there it was all good. It was not scary, it wasn't awful, it was nice to be home. It didn't feel strange..... On the Sunday we went to mum's "memorial place" it's not really a grave, and besides I could hear mum in my head saying "Don't know why you're going there, I'm not sitting under the ground waiting for people to visit !!" But I wanted to put some flowers there, and my sis had asked me to take some tulips, so I did. It was a gorgeous sunny day. The kids ran around the church gardens and it was happy.
So after a few sunny tears, we decided to hit the pub for some lunch. Perfect and just what mum would have wanted us to do !! After that it was back down to London for more work.....
.... and after that I flew home... via Dubai !! OMG what a place !! It was amazing. My besty lives there so she picked me up and showed me around. I have never been to a place like it. The shopping... the buildings.... the service !! LOVED it..... needless to say my new suitcase took more of a beating !! If you ever get to go to Dubai, you must go out to "Brunch" on a Friday..... I can't tell you any more...... just do it - you'll thank me.
Next stop is our honeymoon !!! I cannot WAIT !! 2 weeks in Koh Samui..... sun....sand and Thai food - what more could a girl want. Not to mention a wedding too. It's going to be amazing, I just know it. It cannot come soon enough.

 

But in the mean time, it's back to work...... as I type my hands are aching and my tennis arm hurts................................... but that's just old age !!!

From the highest mountain of valley low ..... We'll join together with hearts of gold ..... Now the children of the world can see ..... This a better place for us to be .....

It's getting longer between blogs. I feel like I don't have as much to talk about now I'm in remission. Until today... but before I get to today I'll step back in time, and fill you in on what's been happening.   We had our mini break to Margaret River last week and it was amaze balls !! LOVED it.   I love Marg's and can't get enough of those wineries either !! It was good for Dirk & I to get away, just the two of us. The past 12 months have taken their toll on us. Nothing can prepare you for the stress of coping with cancer in the family. Especially with everything that happened with mum and then me. We were all prepared for me recovering from bariatric sleeve surgery and getting a new lease on life. loosing the weight of a backstreet boy. We were expecting mum to get better, beat her cancer and then come out to visit us in our new house. (My first ever mortgage at the age of 41 !! - so grown up !!) Put the Gerry seal of approval all over it (and sort out every cupboard at the same time) I also had a new job, I loved it. I could continue travel to places I'd never been to and actually enjoy it too. At the same time, gaining more and more from my work, and hopefully getting better at the job too. But I guess life throws these curve balls at you and it doesn't always turn out quite as you expect. Nothing quite happened as we had planned..... But I digress..... what I was getting at was that Margaret River was a 'get-away-from-life' opportunity. When we arrived at the "retreat" there was no television, no radio, no phones and no wifi !! OMFG how were we going to cope??? BUT.... there was a  secluded cabin in bushland. Overlooking a lake. Birds and wildlife. A log fire. Petals on the bedspread. A bath made for two (ok too much information) It was idyllic. And just what we needed. Another three weeks in the retreat and we may have started to feel back to normal !!! 

We stopped at Bunbury on the way home to watch the Grand Final with some good friends (thanks Shopper & Bill) It was the perfect end to our break. No stress and a good laughs. Not to mention party pies, sausage rolls, dim sum & prawn toast.... mmm. The perfect accompaniment to footy. And as soon as we got home and picked up the pups from their first ever "kennel" experience, we settled back into home life,

Does anyone watch the show 'The Big C' ? Laura Linney and Oliver Pratt? I've been watching it for the past few weeks. It's about a woman who finds out she has Melanoma - stage 4 - and the affects it has on her (and her family) It's a bit of a black comedy...... I like it. A little addicted at the moment. And It's scary how much you can connect/relate to some of the scenario's.

Another digression !!! .... so we had the "mini-break" and then the long weekend. Sunday, we decided to paint our bedroom. For years I have wanted a "duck-egg blue" room. So we went to Bunnings and picked out the paint (or rather Dirk allowed me to select the colour I wanted) And Sunday, we got up and started painting....... But instead of "duck-egg blue" the colour appears to be "Tiffany & Co blue" !!!  Still nice.... but not exactly what I had planned.......

And then back to reality. Last week I had been for blood tests as I was having the most tremendous aches and pains in my joints. So much so, that they were waking me up in the middle of the night. I happened to mention it to my nurse so they sent me for blood tests to rule out Ross River Virus, Lupus, Osteo-related issues, Rheumatism, whinging etc etc.... Turns out it was just whinging !!! Nothing else. Which I guess is a good thing. So panadol and nurofen were prescribed. It seems to be a little better..... but not much !! It may be the extra painting etc that I have been doing..... but I'm not sure.

Today was BMA day !! (Bone Marrow Aspiration) This one was supposed to be a good one though as Dr Brad said he was going to perform the biopsy to ensure a good result. Apparently the last sample they got wasn't the best so he wanted to make sure this time it was a good one. We arrived on time and he was ready for us. After asking if I wanted to be sedated and then telling me I didn't (!!) we got straight into it. Anaesthetic into the area then hammering into the bone to be able to take a core sample out. Not the most pleasant of experiences to ever go through. But Dr Brad had obviously done this a thousand times as he got it over and done with pretty quickly and tried to talk his way out of any pain I may have been experiencing.  I have to wait two weeks for the results. We are hoping for zero cancer cells in the bone marrow which will confirm successful stem cell replacement and remission. After that I'll continue with Zometa infusions and probably 3 monthly blood tests indefinitely with Dr Ben.

We left the hospital with a small bandage covering the spot that he hacked into my spine. Dirk went back to work and I decided to walk off the pain with some retail therapy. Earlier, I had decided not to wear my hat to the hospital. I was feeling a little braver as my hair has very slightly started to sprout a little. And besides.... wearing a hat can be warm and just a little bit boring !! So when I got into the shopping centre, after the 5th store, I decided to take my hat off and walk around with my newly sprouting hairstyle !! It was the first time I had done this - especially without Dirk on my arm. I've taken my hat off at cafe's and restaurants. But not alone, and not walking around. I was feeling a little intimidated (it was also school holidays) But I figured "fuck it" I can do this. It wasn't until I got into the supermarket and some kid started shouting "MUM...... WHY HASN'T THAT WOMAN GOT ANY HAIR" that I started to feel paranoid.    Why is it that an innocent child can make you feel like a freak !!!? His mum did the fastest supermarket sweep I have ever seen. There were skid marks next to the milk aisle !!! By this time, I was too mortified to get more shopping, but too proud to put my hat back on, so I grabbed the last few things I needed and headed out of there. I got back to the safety of home, my pups and a glass of vino. And tomorrow I might try going out in public without a hat again. Especially if it's warm.........

Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity ..... To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment ..... Would you capture it or just let it slip? .....

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess bride who lived in a castle on a hill...... this bride was happy as she had been a bit sick recently, but now all was going well and she was feeling better and getting better every day. Her prince charming had proposed to her, and preparations for their beautiful wedding were under way.....

Then one day, unbeknownst to the princess bride, a wicked spell was cast upon her and she was turned into Bridezilla !!!! ..... WTF has happened to me.... I vowed I wouldn't be a bridezilla, and yet here I am.... biting the head off my prince charming. This isn't how I planned it. I need to take a deep breath and calm the f@#k down!! Last night I lost it, trying to tell Dirk what to do and when he questioned me, I yelled at him and told him he had no interest in our wedding !! 

I cried all night, if my mum were here, she'd be able to talk me through it. I'd be able to talk out my frustrations with her and we'd end up laughing and she would have all the answers I need..... Dirk was upset and angry with me so he quickly went to sleep with his back turned my way. I lay awake and switched on scrabble on my iPad. The first word that came up on my tiles was "sorry" .... a sign?? yep I think so. Mum must be around me after all !! More tears and then sleep. I did apologise this morning and after more tears felt a little better. Hopefully Dirk does too.

Wedding Invites w/ wedding stamps

I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling guilty and have been in trouble, I withdraw afterwards. I go quiet and find it difficult to get back to normal. It must be the guilt. The fear of appearing that you are too quick to forget how bad you've been, and therefore must not be so sorry...... Don't you just love how our minds work ??!!! 

Health-wise... I've been pretty good. Getting stronger everyday. But I've been experiencing body aches and pains. Around my joints. The aches wake me up at night. I called my nurse and asked if this was normal. She said no, and so I went for blood tests again last week (Friday) They came back all ok and normal looking. But I have a check up appointment tomorrow, just in case. Hopefully it's all just my body getting back to normal, my new bone marrow filling up in my bones and me getting stronger. I'll keep you posted.

I'm still not back at work. I don't think I can stretch this sickness thing out too much longer !! As I get stronger I will have to think about getting back into the rat race. I must be getting close to getting back as I've started to bite my nails again. This is usually a sign of me thinking about work stuff !! So far only one finger has been bitten !! Nine more fingers to go before I go back....but it's a start !! I'm not sure our bank balance can hold out much longer anyway..... I also need my hair to start growing. It's doing my head in so badly as I can't see it growing yet. People are very nice and tell me how good I look without hair, but all I see when I look in the mirror, is a cancer patient. Bald. And I don't feel confident or pretty. The weather is also getting warmer and hats are so warm. I just want to see it start growing.... that's not too much to ask is it? It's been about 10 weeks since it fell out. And 7 1/2 weeks since my last chemo. 

Chicken & Mushroom Pie

We were given a getaway to Margaret River for our engagement earlier this year and have decided to use it. Soooo looking forward to getting away for a couple of days. It'll be good for this bridezilla to get away with her prince charming and forget about everything wedding !!! We may even get to take in a couple of Margaret River wineries.... mmmm.

And so, this is where I'm at this week. Some good... some not so good. But in general happy. And more than anything excited beyond belief about seeing my dad and the rest of our friends and family in about 15 weeks. All together......

Well time to get back to my pie making... I made some chicken and mushrooms pies on Friday, they went down so well I'm making another batch. Will pop then in the freezer for those days when we can't be bothered to cook tea.

We've come a long long way together ..... Through the hard times and the good ..... I have to celebrate you baby .....I have to praise you like i should

It's been a hell of a journey so far... and I'm pretty sure we've still got a bit of a journey ahead of us too. I just hope that it's a smoother ride coming up and not quite as bumpy !!
SPOILER ALERT....I thought I'd share a few of the grizzly side effects from the past few months in this blog. From my stat's I can see that I'm building reader group from a website about Myeloma called "Myeloma Beacon". So for this reason, I want to share some home truths about my experiences that may help someone out there that doesn't have the support I've had.....If you know me (or work with me) there may be some things in this blog that you just don't want to know !!!!

• Diarrhoea - I had diarrhoea for about 4-5 weeks after transplant. Some days were worse than others. I was told to take "Gastrostop" if it got really bad. I only had to take this a few times. TIP*** buy some toilet wipes. These are soothing and stop any soreness !!
• Periods - I haven't had a period since January (when I started chemo) I was on 'The Pill' and my Dr advised to come off it when I started chemo as it increased the risk of blood clots. So I came off the pill. I haven't had a period since..... not sure why. My next blood test, I am being tested for hormone levels etc to check.
• Sterile - It wasn't until I met with my transplant Dr (Dr Brad) that he mentioned I may become sterile with all the treatment. It wasn't a concern for me as we knew children weren't part of our future plans. It still makes you feel a bit weird though. I'm not sure if I actually AM sterile now. It's one of the questions on my list for when I have my final check up in a few weeks.
• Tiredness - this is such a massive part of my day. I am now D+43 (6 weeks & 1 day) post transplant and I am still extremely tired. Some days I feel great and back to normal. So I go out and do shopping, normal day to day stuff, catch up with friends etc. Then I am exhausted and it takes me two days to recover. My body aches, my limbs feel so heavy I feel like I can hardly lift them..... I asked my Dr about it and he said "completely normal, you'll feel like this for approx 90 days" He said each month will just get better and better - I hope so !!
• Hair Loss - I've mentioned this before, and to share real truth (pubes included), the hair on my head fell out in clumps (so I shaved my head to a #1 all over) I am petrified it's still not growing back and I'll be bald for my wedding. The hair on my legs seems to have also fallen out. My arms stayed the same (I am blonde so my hair is very fine and fair anyway) my pubes (don't read this if you know me !!) fell out in patches. Not like a salon brazilian (as we would all love) but like a work-experience girl gave me a brazilian !! 
• Chemo Brain - I read about this when I was on CTD (my pill chemo cycles) and thought I was experiencing it. I wasn't !!! After my big dose of Melphalan (at the start of my stem cell transplant) I realised Chemo Brain had really kicked in !! I was vague, I'd stare off into space mid conversation and lose my train of thought mid-sentance. One thing I didn't do was drive for a few weeks. And looking back, this wasn't a bad thing. I just didn't have the concentration to focus. It could have been a disaster !!
• Skin Flakiness - I noticed my skin got pretty flakey for a few weeks. I got lots of dry patches on my hands and feet and my skin peeled off. I went through loads of skin moisturiser. I was told before I started treatment that my skin would be affected. I think I got off lightly with a few patches of flakiness, but I went out of my way to keep slapping on the moisturiser throughout the whole time I was taking chemo (pills as well as the infusion)

Some of my old UK cravings

• Taste - As I've said throughout all my writing, taste is affected by just about everything. It still is, but I think my taste buds are gradually getting back to normal. I've had some weird cravings. Mainly for things I had when I was little. Also cheese & pickled onions have been a big taste zapper. And chocolate and biscuits. But all in small amounts. So not too bad.

• Eyesight - Three months ago I had to get glasses. I'm not sure if this is my age (probably) rather than cancer. But I had my eyes tested last week and my eyes have deteriorated more already - this must be the drugs - My optometrist has said we will wait for another few weeks and then test my eyes again to see if it is temporary before I change my glasses again.
• Nails - my nails have grown beautifully !! YAY, this has been a positive. I've not read anything about other people's experiences, and it may be because I haven't actually done anything like digging the garden, housework etc etc to knock my nails and break them. But I thought I'd mention it as it was a nice side-effect!!

Should I carry on my blog?

I can't think of much else at the moment in terms of side effects. If there's any questions (no matter how grizzly) please feel free to ask.

Blossoms in our garden- Spring!!

The next thing to think about is wether I continue my blog...??? Now I'm in remission, is it worth it? What will I write about? Will anyone be interested? Do I care? ...... so many questions. I think for now I will continue. Especially until I know what the next steps are, in terms of treatment and ongoing care. I  can also share my bridezilla moments. It may be cathartic to share the wedding journey. Also I think I'd like to continue for at least one year. So I have my year to look back on. This will take me to Jan 26th 2013..... so for now, you are all stuck with me !!

One of the things I'm really looking forward to is "getting back to normal" although I have a feeling things may never be the same again...... sigh.....

Hands.... touchin' hands..... Reaching out ...... Touching me .... Touching you .....

It was mum's birthday on Tuesday. She would have been 69. I still hear her laugh and her voice in my head. And in every image she's laughing.... and then I cry.... again. Does it ever get any easier? or not hurt so much? I get that pain in my throat when you're trying to stop the crying. But all over the world on Tuesday, we were having a toast to mum. Bacardi & coke's were being raised to the sky in her honour. I actually had an Oyster Bay SB. They didn't have a Bacardi in the restaurant we went to. So I chose the next best thing. 

My First Orchid Bloom !

One fantastic thing that I'm sure mum has had a hand in this week, is my orchid has flowered. It is the first time in five years I have managed to get my orchids to bloom. Mum always had loads of flowers on her orchids and I was always jealous. So this was awesome for me. I have one flower that opened yesterday and about four more to come.

This past week has been a good one though. I decided I'd had enough of lying low, and the smell of anti-bacterial hand sanitiser was really getting to me. The smell of it now actually brings on nausea !! Over dosed on the stuff I think !! It was time to start living again. I was happy to be semi-sensible. But I could tell from the way I was feeling that I was on the mend. So the "no visitors" ban was lifted and I have gradually re-entered the land of the germ infested living. It's been fab !! I have finally had someone else to talk to other than my fiancé. (no offence Dirk) And with the ban lifted, that also meant .... SHOPPING !!! wahooo. I grabbed my bridesmaid and we went wedding dress shopping. How easy is it?? OMG I was expecting tank loads of fuel as we drove from shop to shop trying on meringues and toilet roll holders! Then I was expecting to have to buy a ticket to Melbourne and fly across the country to hit the shops in the East...... but no... After the inevitable meringue shop (the 1st one) we drove to another one and were turned away !! Yes that's right, we were told it was by appointment only and they wouldn't let us in !! - you can only imagine how that went down with myself and Snapper !!! - so we headed into Claremont And the first store we went into, I found it. In my size. And it was perfect. I had butterflies in my tummy. We put the dress on hold and went for a quick glass of Moët. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I knew it was right. So I went back to the store and purchased. Too easy !! 

Hello Kitty Wedding Dress

Now the hunt begins for the perfect shoes and accessories. Not to mention the perfect bridesmaid dresses. With one in Perth, one in NZ and one in Dubai, it's going to be interesting on how we co-ordinate it all !!
But my biggest worry at the moment is getting the invites out. Well, that and my hair growing back in time for the wedding. 
I had my bloods done yesterday in time for my appointment with Tina today. Unfortunately when I got to the hospital, she was sick and wasn't coming back all week. But I was still seen and my results were fab. Pretty much all neutrophils, haemoglobin and platelets in normal range. So all I have to do now is have my Zometa infusion on Wednesday and catch up with Dr Brad on Friday and then that should be it. I will be released from the hospital and go back to Dr Ben !! OMG I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I will have to get back to work soon though. No pay is tough, especially when we have so much expense coming up. The worse thing is, I actually took out salary insurance to cover me for any leave that may happen. This was a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, it only kicks in after 90 days of leave. And that is after all of your sick leave and annual leave have been used up. I'm not going to need 3 months of sick leave, but will still lose approx. 6-8 weeks pay. As far as I know, there's nothing that covers that. And when I do go back to work, I won't have any leave at all. This sucks !! It's not even my fault !! Ive had to sacrifice pay and leave to get better from this bastard disease. When it comes to getting married and seeing my family at Christmas, I'll be lucky to have enough leave to take any time off. Not to mention a honeymoon. But on the bright side.... at least I'm getting better. 
Well, as usual it's the middle of the night. I've not written about anything that I had in my mind. Like I said, it's been a good week. We've also had the fantastic news of two engagements this week. So wedding bells are ringing everywhere. It's great. Massive congrats to our special friends on their engagement, I can't wait for the celebrations.....

Sometimes I feel like I don't know .... Sometimes I feel like checking out ..... I want to get it wrong ..... Can't always be strong .... And love it won't be long...

A Card I Received Today !! Brilliant
Thanks Lori xx

It's Friday and I'm home (yay) I was released yesterday afternoon and it was a GREAT feeling. Not that  I have one complaint about the staff and the care they give. But the food is quite bad and the boredom is ..... well just plain bloody boring !!
It was great to have a visitor yesterday (thanks Phil) I got the OK from Dr Brad that I could start to see people and not be as "anal" as I have been about being around people.
We had risotto for tea last night (made in the Thermomix of course !!) and it was "heaven" just delicious. We watched some TV then I sank into my bed and drifted into a gorgeous night's sleep.
This morning I had to have more bloods done. And I had to fast too as I was having one called FMBS (i think) which was a urine test then bloods. So I filled my bottle then Dirk decided to drive me in. I haven't driven for 3 weeks and  wasn't sure how I'd go.
Once in we also decided to go sand see Tina instead of calling her. She was glad we did and asked us to go back in a hour so we could see the results.
We headed down the road - away from the hospital - for a coffee, and I also popped into work to say hi to a few people & pick up some mail. It was nice to see a fe people and pickup the latest goss too !! ha ha! (and what goss I got too - omg) 
After our coffee we headed back to HCC and Tina called us in.
Bloods were good-ish! Haemoglobin was 105 (good) White Cell Count 3.8 (good) Platelet Count - Blood 210 (brilliant - normal range) Neutrophils 0.68 (not so good) I was almost neutropenic again. Thank goodness it didn't show up yesterday as they wouldn't have let me go home from hospital !!
But this means I am now back at home, have to be careful with visitors again, careful with my diet again, and I also have another get into jail (Hospital Emergency Dept) free card again. Damn !!! I was hoping for better than that !! I'm also back on the injections just for two more days..... sigh......
However, I am feeling ok so I guess that's good. Have been a bit snotty as a result of last week's cold, but I don't feel (touch wood) sick !!
This afternoon, I've decided to make a playlist based on my blog titles. Seeing as my theme appears to be quotes taken from songs, I thought I'd put one together. If anyone wants it, I'll attempt to make it public.....? It'll be a right miss-mash of music !! This is my 74th blog entry and approx 85% of my entries have lyrics as the title, so it'll be funny to see how the list plays (for me anyway)
So that's it for today.... I have been quite low this afternoon. It'll be mum's birthday on 28th and already I can't stop crying. I think I'm beginning to feel the pain of her not being here. I'm having "mum-moments" about 5 times a day at the moment. Probably because I have so much time...... Time to get better and get busy I think !!! I don't think I could not work.... I miss it too much.
Anyway, now I'm babbling so I'll sign off for the day..... 
Thanks for listening xxxxx

Just a little something for the pain ..... Hospital food getting you down? ..... Honey now I'm not one to complain ....... But this hangin’ around ...... Is wearing me out .....

My New View
I can even see MICROMINE !!

This is why I hate iPad for blogging !! I just wrote a complete blog entry and pressed save and it all disappeared !!! AAARRRGGGHHHH
I will try again.... At least I'm in a position where I have all the time in the world to write !! Still frustrating though... especially on the iPad !! Which is why I am now using a laptop with a proper keyboard :-)
I can't remember what I blogged before so will have to try again - it is now 3 hours since I lost the last blog so I think this one will be completely different. The only thing I did, was make some quick notes on what I'd blogged about, so the subjects will be the same, just different !!
These are my notes.... I'll try and talk you through them.....

• View to work
• Eyesight
• Needles
• Plastic food
• Tami flu
• Visitors
• Neutrophils 2.44
• C Reactive Protein 26 was 10 !!

Anyway... to get you up to speed.... Monday I had my bloods done with Tina (my primary Nurse Practitioner in Haematology Care Centre HCC) All was going really well and she was extremely pleased with everything. Neutrophils were now 2.44 and my C Reactive Protein (which shows if you have an infection or not was at 10 - it was at 84 last time I was admitted to hospital and <5 is normal) I mentioned I'd had a bit of a cold / sore throat but that is seemed to be subsiding and that I was feeling better. She did a few tests to see if I had a fungal infection or anything else that could be easily detected and we left happy. Dirk was free to go back to work for a few hours and I was happy to hit the couch and relax with the pups. After a couple of hours I started to feel a bit chilly so cranked up the heater. I must have had it pretty high as the pups slunk downstairs and lay in the cooler climate of the hallway !! Me however... I was still freezing. I grabbed a blanket, put the heater up to 27C and tried to get warm. By 4pm I was shivering and my temperature was 39C.... Dirk got home and we decided it was time to head to Emergency. We had to wait around 40 minutes to get through Triage.... no "Get Through Quick Pass" this time. It was in line with all the other sick people.... like the guy in front of us that had a stiff neck, or the girl that had a sore tummy. At least when I got to the front of the queue, they whisked me off to a secluded room so I didn't catch a sore neck or tummy !!!! 

New Hospital - PMH

I was seen by the same HCC oncall Dr as before and she remembered me. This was a bonus as I didn't have to go through everything all over again. I was taken to the Emergency ward and X-Rayed. Then they attempted to put a cannula in.... this didn't go too well. I had a student practicing on me. Normally this wouldn't bother me at all, but I wasn't feeling the best and after two blown veins I burst int tears and he decided to get his boss / Dr.  The 3rd attempt was fine. Then they wanted blood too - but not from the cannula.... that was for anti-biotics in. So the came to take blood. It now became apparent that my veins were beginning to collapse at the 1st sign of a needle. Apparently this is common with chemo. Not permanent. I also had to do a pee test. My temp spiked again at around 10:30pm so I was given seven blankets and two panadol and Tami Flu anti-biotics. We decided that Dirk should go home at around midnight as all we were doing was waiting for a room to free up. After he left I was taken to the Emergency Obs ward and at around 2am I was admitted. Not to the haematolgy specialist ward I was in before, but apparently the next best one. And at least I got my own room. Since then, no-one has been allowed in without a mask and gloves on. 

Tuesday (yesterday) was pretty much the same... started the day off with spike temperature and swapping between shivers / lots of blankets / panadol / sweats - Every 12 hours intravenous anti-biotics, more bloods - I've had 9 blood tests in 24 hours. But by 8pm last night, I started to feel better. 

Today I had my last lot of panadol at 7am and since then have not had to have any. I'm still not allowed to go home (booo) they have to wait for my blood cultures to come back which take minimum of 48 hours !! 

Another View - Looking back towards home

But my nurse (Tina) came up from HCC to visit today, we had a good chat, and she made me feel better. Dirk has been in morning and night. And today I've been able to pick up my kindle and read - although the geekster's I got two months ago may need to be updated again very soon. My eyesight is deteriorating fast !! I'm hoping it's a temporary situation from the chemo, but I'm not sure. I'm still seeing blurry letters when I read and have to have my font on large !! WTF !!

So that's pretty much where I'm at to date. It's Wednesday evening now. Dirk has bought tea in (YAY!!) We're having Vodka Chicken Penne (thanks Jo) because the hospital food is unbearable. Soooo bad. Worse than school dinner!! - yes that bad - although if anyone is looking for a way to lose weigh fast - hospital is the answer !! 

Hopefully I'll be home tomorrow and maybe over the weekend will be able to have visitors too. I'm clear of being neutropenic now, I just have to be cautious. Which I will be. Anything to keep me out of hospital......

Every time I think of you .....I always catch my breath ...... And I'm still standing here and you're miles away ...... And I'm wondering why you left

I miss my mum every single day.... I have so many "mum moments" (where something that reminds me of mum takes me by surprise and I start to cry) My sister being here has been amazing. We've had LOADS of mum moments together. Usually we end up laughing at each other crying !!

Me & Sis on the way home from hospital

But I must say, I'm really going to miss my sis. She has to be one of the most amazing people in this world. Just gorgeous. I'm going to miss her just being here. While I've been sick, she's been fantastic. Doing everything, washing, cleaning, waiting on me, rubbing my neck when I had a headache, shopping but most of all I've loved her just being with me. Just sitting.
And now she has to leave.... I don't know why us Austin's decided to spread ourselves across the globe so no matter what, there is always a sad goodbye to have to have !!! BUT, she'll be back for the wedding & our family Xmas in Perth..... so excited about that. And if either of us win lotto, we're going to book for her to come over in October so we can organise the wedding more. I'm crying thinking about her leaving later this evening ;-( At least we're both lucky enough to have close girlfriends that are like sister's to us. 

South Perth Birds

This week has been a mixture of good and bad - health wise - I was released on Tuesday from hospital. My bloods were good enough for them to beam big smiles at me, tell me I was doing fantastically well and say I could go home. My neutrophils went from 0 on Sunday to 0.55 on Monday to 1.66 on Tuesday !! Wahoo - when they are over 1.0 they let you go home...... It took all of one hour to have my CVC removed, and get the heck out of hospital. 
Wednesday was a great day.... We went to hospital for bloods and a check-up. All was good and they were again very happy with my progress. This put me on a high for the rest of the day. We got home and Jo & I had a lazy morning, then cleaned out one of my closets and Jo baked (always fabulous) I was sneezing a lot of Wednesday, and the result was a head cold which crept into my being by Thursday - pah ! Thursday morning I was full of it (head cold that is) and with the head cold came a tickly cough. One of those pathetic annoying ones - they sound like you're putting it on, and have nothing happening on your chest !! yep one of those..... So I've been taking it pretty easy since then.

Wedding Venue !!
An old cart - lol

Jo & I did manage to go for a drive out to the wedding venue (yay) I really wanted to show her so when we talk about it she can picture it and make suggestions. We've also been trawling wedding pictures for ideas of wedding dresses etc. But so far I am still at a loss. I'm thinking in late September, before I go back to work, I will ask any girlfriends if they want to come across to Melbourne with me and we can go wedding dress shopping..... sounds like a GREAT idea to me. But please keep it to yourself, as I haven't told Dirk yet of this fab idea !!!

Oscar - Noice

So this is it up to date again. I have another check-up appointment with Tina my nurse on Monday. Hopefully, I will have knocked the cold on the head by then. And then I catch up with Dr Brad on Friday. Aside from the cold, I'm actually feeling great. Better every day. So can't wait to get rid of it and start enjoying the recovery a bit more.....
My sis told me yesterday it's only 20 weeks until the wedding..... another thing that takes my breath away !!! haha. Oh well.... I'm sure it will all come together.

Closer than my closest friend.... To celebrate the good times ......To help me through the hard times ......To bring me down to earth ........Remind me what's important.......

The past 2 days have been better. After my trip in to hospital on Wednesday I was given fluids. My results showed I was almost neutropenic. Which is what we are pretty much expecting / waiting for. After the fluids, its amazing how much better I felt. Even though I'd been drinking 2L water every day, it appeared I was on my way to dehydration.
My sister arrived on Wednesday evening from NZ. And all of the sudden I was feeling a whole lot better.
We've had tears, laughter and lots of "mum-moments" as I've come to call them..... Those unexpected moments when you remember something "Gerry would have said /done" and you burst into tears when you realize she's not here.....
Anyway.... It's been fab, and an absolute morale lifter having my blister here.
We're off to the hospital again now. Had a small scare last night when my temp spiked to 37.6C ... But we realized that having the electric blanket on boost before slipping into "fresh sheets" had an impact on the results !!! After I switched it down to 1 ... Temp dropped to relatively normal......
I'll be asking for more fluids again. It's so much easier than having to drink it yourself !!! And hopefully I'll be sent home for the weekend...... But we'll have to see what Tina says......
On another note ..... I'm nearly at my "target weight" from my operation last year !!! Not something I'm even thinking about, but noticed when I jumped on the scales this morning..... Heh heh..... Not all bad see?
Xxx
Quick update .... In hospital now.
Temp is slightly up 37.5C bit we're going to see what it is after fluids. Blood pressure was low too.....
Waiting for bloods to come back.
Tina says if I have to be admitted, I'll be in for about 4 days..... They all (the nurses) place bets on when you get admitted !! Lol I want in on it too !!

And if a double-decker bus.....Crashes in to us......To die by your side......Is such a heavenly way to die........And if a ten ton truck........Kills the both of us To die by your side........Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine........

So I'm lying here as we chat, and my old (new) stem cells have been put in !! Omg !! What a feeling !! ...... Actually there's no feeling at all. Just lying on a bed with a drip hooked up. I've had 2 liters of saline for hydration, phenergan (anti-histamine ... To stop the preservative in stem cells from reacting with me) my stem cells ( that smell like creamed corn) anti-biotics -Vancomycin to prevent infection.... And after that I stopped retaining information !! And I keep needing to go to the toilet !! Too much information ?
I woke up this morning feeling a little nauseous. But after downing a coffee, 2 x pramin, 2 x dexamethasone and an pantoprazole (ant-acid) I began to feel a bit better. Yesterday was a good day. No side effects to write home about. Just the frustration of the cvc in my neck. Uncomfortable and a bit itchy from the stitches. I'd only been able to sleep about 2-3 hours on Tuesday night. But last night managed to catch up with about 6-7 hours. Nice !!
Straight home from here and onto the couch... Will see what's on tv and wait for the drugs to kick in...... No visitors for the next few weeks. We even cancelled the cleaning lady !! WTF !!! Luckily on my "take home notes" it actually says no cleaning or gardening !! Haha ... Fabulous I say !! Now if we could just get the dogs using the anti-bacterial hand/paw gel i reckon we'd be good to go.
I've been told I'll get very tired soon, so will pause for now and catchup later.
This is all I have at the moment..... Just saying !!

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht ...... Your hat strategically dipped below one eye ......... Your scarf it was apricot .....

..... I tried to ignore the fact that it was coming out.... I wore one of my hats to work ..... I even went across the road to the pharmacy and purchased some new head gear......but by the time I got home from work I was covered in hair..... I felt like I'd been dipped into a hairdresser's bin !! I had fine little hairs all over my face and up my nose ..... and so, as soon as Dirk got home.... the clippers came out and off it went ..... and I laughed. 

And when I looked in the mirror .... I cried..... The fun was over very quickly. It was definitely real now. There was no denying I had cancer. It's not like I was about to make a movie like G.I. Jane !! (I wish) I had a bald scone, and it wasn't going to change anytime soon.

I got Dirk to take some pics (we even recorded the head shaving for posterity!!) he was desperately trying to make me feel ok. Eventually it worked and he had me laughing.

The pets didn't notice at all.... I was still mum to them and all they wanted was attention and cuddles.... nothing was any different in their eyes - you've got to love that about cats and dogs, their love is unconditional and it's totally irrelevant how you look or how much you yell at them for eating your best plant while you're at work. You yell at them and tell them NO!! and they come and put their head on your lap and love you even more than before..... 

One thing that is annoying about your hair falling out is that you don't have a choice about the day..... mine fell out on the coldest night of the year so far !!! It was only bloody 2C Wednesday night - and for those of you saying "pah .... meh .....that's warm compared to blah... blah... blah...." It's bloody cold in Perth when your house is rigged up with air-conditioners and not central heating !!

Thursday morning came and once again, the shock of what I looked like as soon as I looked into the mirror ...... more tears - but there is a bright side...... the shower feels great on a bald scone and  my "getting ready time" has been cut by half !! I was ready in about 15 minutes !! fab-ness !! Hat went on and off I went. 

And here's the amazing bit.... when I walked into work, one of the guys on my team had shaved his head too.... he didn't want me to be the only one walking around the office with a shaved head !! Some people are so amazing. (Although I hated to point out that there is also a bald-headed guy in our team that we've just hired !! oops !!) 

I haven't quite got the confidence yet to walk around without a hat. I'm happy to take it off and show people, but not yet at the point of leaving it off. 

The comments from my friends and family have been the best though. By over-sharing on Facebook, I've been inundated with gorgeous comments. This really helped me over the past two days. 

We shaved it to a #1 all over, but even the tiny short hairs are still falling out. I imagine it'll be smooth all over before it starts to grow back. But hopefully by then I won't be bothered one little bit about it.

We're off wig shopping today. The hospitals in WA give a wig voucher to cancer patients. So I'm off to try a couple. If I think I'll wear one, I'll get one. If not, I'll return my voucher and not bother. I'll just have to see how it looks and if I think it'll make me feel better or not.

Luckily though.... 23C today and sunny !! 24C tomorrow too.... got to love Perth in winter !!

Such is the way of the world...You can never know.... Just where to put all your faith.... And how will it grow? .....Gonna rise up ....Burning black holes in dark memories....Gonna rise up...Turning mistakes into gold...

It's been an interesting week. Trying to come to terms with mum's death. It still seems all so surreal. Things at back at home in UK are settling (I think... do they ever?) My sis is back home with her kids in NZ and I guess all we can do now is start to move on, with our beautiful memories and know that she will always be in our minds..... and not too far away from each of us. I was talking to my sis the other day and we talked about how it is going to hit us over and over again at different times. The first time dad comes out to visit ..... but mum isn't with him. The first birthday, first Christmas in fact every one of those occasions time and time again. I chatted with one of my besties last night. He was at mum's funeral so it was nice to chat about it from his point of view. One of the things he said was that it was a fantastic do. Not too maudlin and sad at all. IN fact the only person missing was mum !! haha. She would have loved it. We had a few tears and a laugh - it was good. 
I spoke to dad this week too. He seems to be going really well. My bro and sil and nephew are heading down again this weekend. They are taking nephew (aged 2) to Thomas (the Tank) World. I'm not sure who will be the most excited... dad or brother !! Dad also mentioned he had received close to £3000 in donations to mum's Bladder Cancer Foundation UK and to The Leukaemia Foundation of Australia. This is fanTASTic - thank you to everyone that has donated. I think there are also people that have donated directly online to both.
This past week I have been drug / chemo free for six whole days and for the first time in over five months had started to feel less fuzzy and foggy. Even Dirk mentioned my acerbic wit had returned. We found ourselves laughing and joking like "before". The regular banter was back on.... it was good. We also had some fantastic news that some very close friends are going to have a baby. With all the sadness that had been around, this was such great news and we were very happy for them.

Seeing as I was staring Autologous Stem Cell Replacement this week, and I also wasn't sure how it was all going to pan out, I thought it best to advise work that I may or may not be back in for a while. As I've said quite a few times, they have been absolutely amazing.... so I left work on Thursday - prior to starting treatment on Friday - complete with laptop, paperwork and lots of best wishes. We went out for dinner as my taste buds were back for the first time in ages and my iron count was lower, so what do you do? ..... go out for a steak !! We found a fab little place locally and had an amazing meal.
I think the people around me have been more nervous about the start of this stage than me. I haven't been scared or nervous at all. It may because there really isn't a great deal of information on what actually happens in the first stage..... or should I say the way it makes you feel....so by not really knowing what happens, and by feeling pretty good - albeit sad about everything that has been going on - I'm in a pretty positive stage of mind. 
Tuesday this week I had to go for a heart scan - it was a little like an MRI.... first they inject die into you and I had to sit for about 1/2 hour for it to pulsate through my veins. Then lie on a scanning machine, very still for about 20 mins and they take pictures from a noisy machine.
Back to the hospital on Thursday for a lung function test. This one took a little more effort. Lots of huffing and puffing while hooked up to a machine. If one result wasn't good enough, then I had to repeat until it was !! Some of the other test were "take the average reading of six attempts" So after an hour of that I was told I could go..... to pathology for more blood tests. Luckily I managed to beat the rush and was in and out (with another band aid on the other arm) in 20 minutes...... Luckily I made it back to work for a meeting with MD / COO with some interesting company news. It was so interesting that I had to miss a pre-booked lunch engagement with half of Perth's mining elite. Never mind I go every month so there'll be more. And I had also vowed not to drink this week - in order to cleanse my liver - so missing the lunch meant I wasn't tested with the offer of vino on tap at every table.....
So ..... Friday.... up and at it early so we could get to hospital. We made it on time and got a park outside the back door which always seems to have free parking spots.(probably because it's $2.50 an hour) but we weren't sure how long we were going to be there so we thought "what the hell". Into the Haematology Care Centre where we were welcomed, and the sat and waited for our turn. I was called a few minutes later and showed to my IV chair. My nurse remembered me from my bone marrow biopsy the previous week. She spent a few minutes letting us know what I was going to go through. 
1st - some Dexamethasone via the IV - 20 mg
2nd - and anti-nausea drug
3rd - Mesna - to protect the bladder (the chemo can cause irritation and sometimes bleeding - like cystitis)
4th - Cyclophosphamide - the chemo drug
All of the above were given over 4 1/2 hours along with approx 5 litres of fluids too.
So I was in the chair for about 4 hours. But it was comfortable as went prepared with iPad, iPhone and Dirk !! He spent most of the time entertaining the people around him and the nurses. Everyone had a "buddy" with them. It was a warm and happy environment. The nurses were caring and very informative if you had questions. It was nice.

I was sent home with two bags of drugs... a list of instructions and a hope that Dirk understood everything that was required !! I didn't feel too bad, better than I was expecting.
The growth hormone injections start on Tuesday. Twice a day for 10 days. These injections help to stimulate the production of bone marrow, to the point that it causes bone pain as it over fills the bone cavity and spills out into your blood stream. This is when stage two starts.....and I will go into more detail about this later....... 24 hours later I'm still feeling OK. I'm "just" beginning to wonder if I might take a Metoclopromide drug (for anti-sickness) as I've just had a bit of a burgh feeling as I've been writing this.....
Next week I'm working from home and going to see how I go. Then on 9th I'm back in for the harvesting part. I have a feeling (based on what the nurses said) that I'll then have a couple of weeks off before the implant happens. So I'll probably go back into work for a couple of weeks. Again... play it by ear....
Not much planned for now.... Dirk has upgraded his iPad today - Noice !!
Once again, I have to say thank you to everyone that has been sending me good wishes and messages. The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster. I haven't responded to too many messages. But please know that I appreciate each and every message and they really help. I smile when each one comes in. So please don't stop !! xxxx Vix