It's hard to stay positive when there has been let downs in the past. I mean.... I was so positive with the preliminary tests in the beginning. I didn't have cancer, that was impossible. Not me .... so now I'm positive, but hesitant to "jinx" it in case I have to find more energy to fight through another set back..... But... if I do.... I will !! Just don't jinx it.
The past couple of weeks have actually been relatively good. I've been enjoying work, been distracted by the focus of my job. It's the time of the year I get to do planning, budgeting and real strategy stuff. I'm still not sure what the opinion at work is of my performance. They have been really amazing and patient with me. Allowing me to work around my feelings and appointments. I've tried to be honest and have made sure I've put in the hours etc. But you never really know whether it's enough.....The distraction from my health has been good for me. I've enjoyed it. I felt like I did working before diagnosis.
And then there has been the past 24 hours..... Zometa, Thalidomide, Cycloblastin & Dexamethasone all in 24 hours (as well as the daily antidepressants, aspirin to keep my blood thinner, muti-vitamin, heartburn tablet and calcium supplement)...... and until around 1pm today I wasn't too bad..... and then it hit me - POW!!!
I was out for a beautiful afternoon tea the The Duxton with some girlfriends..... and it started to get worse and worse.... jaw clenching... sweats... shakes (ohhh the shakes)...... loss of focus..... I think I did ok for the first hour but after that, I went downhill as fast as Ingemar Stenmark !!
I had to make a fairly quick exit - say thanks and goodbyes and head home..... where I crashed !! I was wiped out as quickly as the little afternoon tea scones and finger sandwiches that were devoured only an hour earlier !! Which by the way were absolutely divine !!And of course.... with a stint on the Dexa's comes that spending issue too.... GULP !!! I'd like to say that it's been under control, but today really made up for all the other little bits that have been creeping into the house via eBay, amazon etc etc..... A New Car !!! OMG - and I am soooo excited. OK so it's not brand new or anything stupid, but I'm still excited. Firstly I test drove an Audi A3 - but it just underwhelmed me.... a little disappointing. It was probably a great car, perfect for what we needed, a good price (yawn), practical, fitted the dogs in the boot, zippy and all that..... but it was just a car. It was boring (and it had scratched on the doors and no bluetooth !! Helloooo what car doesn't have bluetooth these days????)
So we drove up the road to a BMW dealership and had a look at an X3. It's got a few KM's on the clock, but drove beautifully, looks good and has all the extra's I was looking for ..... and it felt GOOD to drive. It had that something special about sitting in it.... that feeling..... it was nice. We got a good trade-in price for my old car so did the deal there and then. Now all I have to do is wait until Monday to go and pick it up !! Wahooo..... Now before you criticise the buying of a new car... we needed it. It was a decision that has been a few months in the making due to the fact that we have a 10 month old puppy that has grown into King Kong! The back seat of a sedan is no place for such bear.... yet alone two of them. So it's a practical decision, based on necessity. OK I'm now convinced... are you?? See it doesn't take long <insert cheeky grin & wink here>Next week is another full-on work week. It's planning week with all of our Regional Managers in town from the overseas offices. Ordinarily a really good week. A lot of work and discussions followed by a bit of a laugh (assuming there's no bollocks to bust) and some dinners and drinking. I'm pretty sure this week will be no different, but the way I'm feeling may affect how my week pans out. Early start and late finishes are more of a struggle these days.
Mum has also had a full on week - radiation this past week every day..... hopefully it will have helped and made some difference. She is still in hospital. She doesn't want to be released home until we know she's good to go. And there are still a few obstacles to get through before that time. We chatted today and it was nice to talk. I hope she wasn't putting on a positive, cheery voice just to try and convince me.... if she did it probably worked, because I thought she sounded good. We had tried to Skype but the connection was crap so we had to make do with a phone call. No visual !! One of the things you do when you are so far apart is always try to sound cheery so that the other side won't worry !! I've tried to be honest with mum because I think she has some idea of what I'm going through. Albeit different, she know's the feelings and the internal thoughts that run through your head constantly. So mum if you are reading this and really feel like shit, please tell me. I'd rather know. You have my blog to know when things are tough.....
Well, it's now close to 2am and although I still don't feel sleepy, I think I should give the pillow a good try and get some shuteye. I'll leave you with one last pic of a little splurge I made just prior to the car purchase.... Dirk, I hope you don't mind !! Love you baby !! I just couldn't resist and mum really liked them too..... |
| Ribbon For Bladder Cancer |
Oh yes and one last another thing !! I'm doing a fundraising morning tea at work for cancer (am I becoming one of those annoying types??) I figured a few cupcakes for morning tea would be a good thing. And if people wanted to donate to a worthy cause then why not..... if you can't make it you can still donate .... yes? click here....
OK that definitely it for the night...... I'm off to sleep now..... night night xxxxx
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