Non, rien de rien….. Non, je ne regrette rien……..Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait…….Ni le mal; tout ça m'est bien égal !

I've discovered that one of the hardest things to deal with writing a blog, is realising that people actually read it !! And then have an opinion about it. And then choose to share those opinions too....... So what do you do? Stop sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings ?.... stop writing in case someone needs to "discuss" your meanderings ....or do you carry on writing regardless ? I mean, I've chosen to put it out there.... it's now in the "public domain" for comment, so it's not like I really have a choice anymore. If I wanted to remain private I wouldn't have started a blog.... would I? But I'm not sure I'm up to the scrutiny of analysing what I've written once it's out there. I don't write.... sit on it.... edit it.... go back to it the next day and re-read.... then publish it. I just write and then press "publish" done !! If there's a comment about it, sometimes I have to go back and read it again to remember what state of mind I was in when I was writing.
Now I'm also in the dilemma of having to think about what I write before writing in case it will cause comment.... something I didn't want to have to do. I'd rather just write and be done with it. Maybe I should just write a diary.... but not publish it. At least that way I'll get to write exactly what I really think !! The "un-edited" version. I'm being selfish when I say that this blog really is all about me. I've found it very cathartic writing down my feelings and seeing where I get to by the end of the blog. It's like when I used to write a diary when I was a teenager. I had a message at the front of my diary saying "if you read this diary it's your fault. You may read something you don't like.... " I feel the same about this blog. If you read it, then it's up to you. But don't question the author.... as I've said from the beginning, it's my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes written at 2am in the morning, drugged, tired, wired, depressed, happy, sad, emotional..... I cannot be held responsible for the content.

It's been a tough couple of days (post Dexmethasone) Thursday saw the shakes return for a few hours - a good look in a management meeting at work !! (NOT) then complete tiredness take over me. And pretty much the same feeling all day today too.(Friday as I write this part) Along with the feeling of flu (and diarrhoea and tummy ache too) Home to wrap up in a blanket and sleep for a few hours until I could manage to stay awake to watch my footy team win !! YAY - go The Blues !!

I went to see Dr Ben on Tuesday evening. All was OK but he didn't have all of my blood test results. He said to call Thursday - which I did, but they still weren't available. So I emailed today to see if they were back. The receptionist responded with the results which I track - Kappa reading from the "Serum Free Light Chain Test". Last time I had one it was 144..... When I was first diagnosed my Kappa reading was 402. (Normal range is 3.3 - 17.9) It has been progressively dropping each blood test ..... and then I got the latest results. 29.3 !!! Holy Fuck !!! 29.3 !!! A-MAY-ZING!!!!  This is so close to being within normal range..... But the fact that I can't talk to my Dr about it until my next appointment is a little frustrating. There is such a massive change I'm not sure wether to believe it. Pretty happy about it though :-) I still believe I am going to beat this shit.
I had arranged to meet an old friend on Monday for a catch up. I bumped into him one day and after a quick chat he told me he'd been through everything that I was about to embark on. We've been trying to hook up for coffee ever since. Monday was the day we were finally meeting. But his txt said that his cancer has come back and he had to cancel. This is such devastating news. And I feel so angry for him. Such a shit disease......  I wish him all the strength and determination in the world to get through it.

It's Saturday now.... I slept until 11am !! and I feel better for the BIG sleep. I'm now sitting in PJ's watching Chicago Hope. I woke at 8am, cold, because the doona had been stolen from me. When I turned over, Dirk and Maverick were lying together "spooning" wrapped "romantically(?)" in my doona !!! Something not quite right about that..... May have to have a little "talk" later !!