We've come a long long way together ..... Through the hard times and the good ..... I have to celebrate you baby .....I have to praise you like i should

It's been a hell of a journey so far... and I'm pretty sure we've still got a bit of a journey ahead of us too. I just hope that it's a smoother ride coming up and not quite as bumpy !!
SPOILER ALERT....I thought I'd share a few of the grizzly side effects from the past few months in this blog. From my stat's I can see that I'm building reader group from a website about Myeloma called "Myeloma Beacon". So for this reason, I want to share some home truths about my experiences that may help someone out there that doesn't have the support I've had.....If you know me (or work with me) there may be some things in this blog that you just don't want to know !!!!

• Diarrhoea - I had diarrhoea for about 4-5 weeks after transplant. Some days were worse than others. I was told to take "Gastrostop" if it got really bad. I only had to take this a few times. TIP*** buy some toilet wipes. These are soothing and stop any soreness !!
• Periods - I haven't had a period since January (when I started chemo) I was on 'The Pill' and my Dr advised to come off it when I started chemo as it increased the risk of blood clots. So I came off the pill. I haven't had a period since..... not sure why. My next blood test, I am being tested for hormone levels etc to check.
• Sterile - It wasn't until I met with my transplant Dr (Dr Brad) that he mentioned I may become sterile with all the treatment. It wasn't a concern for me as we knew children weren't part of our future plans. It still makes you feel a bit weird though. I'm not sure if I actually AM sterile now. It's one of the questions on my list for when I have my final check up in a few weeks.
• Tiredness - this is such a massive part of my day. I am now D+43 (6 weeks & 1 day) post transplant and I am still extremely tired. Some days I feel great and back to normal. So I go out and do shopping, normal day to day stuff, catch up with friends etc. Then I am exhausted and it takes me two days to recover. My body aches, my limbs feel so heavy I feel like I can hardly lift them..... I asked my Dr about it and he said "completely normal, you'll feel like this for approx 90 days" He said each month will just get better and better - I hope so !!
• Hair Loss - I've mentioned this before, and to share real truth (pubes included), the hair on my head fell out in clumps (so I shaved my head to a #1 all over) I am petrified it's still not growing back and I'll be bald for my wedding. The hair on my legs seems to have also fallen out. My arms stayed the same (I am blonde so my hair is very fine and fair anyway) my pubes (don't read this if you know me !!) fell out in patches. Not like a salon brazilian (as we would all love) but like a work-experience girl gave me a brazilian !! 
• Chemo Brain - I read about this when I was on CTD (my pill chemo cycles) and thought I was experiencing it. I wasn't !!! After my big dose of Melphalan (at the start of my stem cell transplant) I realised Chemo Brain had really kicked in !! I was vague, I'd stare off into space mid conversation and lose my train of thought mid-sentance. One thing I didn't do was drive for a few weeks. And looking back, this wasn't a bad thing. I just didn't have the concentration to focus. It could have been a disaster !!
• Skin Flakiness - I noticed my skin got pretty flakey for a few weeks. I got lots of dry patches on my hands and feet and my skin peeled off. I went through loads of skin moisturiser. I was told before I started treatment that my skin would be affected. I think I got off lightly with a few patches of flakiness, but I went out of my way to keep slapping on the moisturiser throughout the whole time I was taking chemo (pills as well as the infusion)

Some of my old UK cravings

• Taste - As I've said throughout all my writing, taste is affected by just about everything. It still is, but I think my taste buds are gradually getting back to normal. I've had some weird cravings. Mainly for things I had when I was little. Also cheese & pickled onions have been a big taste zapper. And chocolate and biscuits. But all in small amounts. So not too bad.

• Eyesight - Three months ago I had to get glasses. I'm not sure if this is my age (probably) rather than cancer. But I had my eyes tested last week and my eyes have deteriorated more already - this must be the drugs - My optometrist has said we will wait for another few weeks and then test my eyes again to see if it is temporary before I change my glasses again.
• Nails - my nails have grown beautifully !! YAY, this has been a positive. I've not read anything about other people's experiences, and it may be because I haven't actually done anything like digging the garden, housework etc etc to knock my nails and break them. But I thought I'd mention it as it was a nice side-effect!!

Should I carry on my blog?

I can't think of much else at the moment in terms of side effects. If there's any questions (no matter how grizzly) please feel free to ask.

Blossoms in our garden- Spring!!

The next thing to think about is wether I continue my blog...??? Now I'm in remission, is it worth it? What will I write about? Will anyone be interested? Do I care? ...... so many questions. I think for now I will continue. Especially until I know what the next steps are, in terms of treatment and ongoing care. I  can also share my bridezilla moments. It may be cathartic to share the wedding journey. Also I think I'd like to continue for at least one year. So I have my year to look back on. This will take me to Jan 26th 2013..... so for now, you are all stuck with me !!

One of the things I'm really looking forward to is "getting back to normal" although I have a feeling things may never be the same again...... sigh.....

Every little step I take, you will be there ...... Every little step I make, we'll be together .......

So here's a quick update for you all on today's hospital visit.....

The next step is the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement.(ASCR) I went and met with my new haematologist specialist this morning. Dr Brad. Nice chap - very chatty, helpful and I didn't feel at any stage that he was trying to rush me or get rid of us. He explained everything and left us plenty of time to ask any questions. The nice thing about him was that he also specialises in Multiple Myeloma too. He is involved in the research and clinical trials associated with MM and has a keen interest in any of the research. At least this means he will have a vested interest in anything that happens throughout my treatment. He made me feel very comfortable about the next stage. We were also introduced to Tina the nurse practitioner who will be overseeing my treatment. She showed us around and went through the whole procedure. We made all the necessary appointments for bloods, chemotherapy, bone marrow biopsy etc etc.... and then sat and chatted more about what to expect.

The Stem Cell Process

It's all a bit daunting to be honest, but I did feel that I would be OK. I wasn't told it was all going to be fine. I was told it was going to be hard, a little bit painful and tiring. But at the same time, I was also assured that I would be under the best care possible and that they would be looking after me every step of the way.

So next week I go back in for bloods and a bone marrow biopsy. Then at the end of the month I start the chemo for the stem cell collection. This is where I will have a high dose of Cycloblastin (probably 2g) and will more than likely lose all of my hair..... I was offered a wig voucher ! - I will have to self administer growth factor injections for a few days before-hand and then will go in for a 5 hour stem cell collection, after blood tests to determine that the stem cells are at the right levels.

Once they have enough for two ASCR they will freeze the stem cells and send me home. After that, it's a matter of booking the time to have them transplanted back into me. This stage is still not 100% clear, there was so much information to take in on the first part that they didn't go too much into the next part. But needless to say, it's all starting and we're going ahead with it......


Well, that's all I have for now..... just thought I'd let you all know. Feel free to ask any questions......

you brought hope, you brought light……..conquered fear, it wasn’t always easy……...stood your ground, kept your faith……….

And as The Royal Barge moors against the banks of the River Thames..... I search for my bed. It's 12:30pm on this little Commonwealth country and as happy as I am to sit & watch Lizzy all night, I have things to do tomorrow so can't stay up much longer. I will have to watch the replay of the highlights. But I must say, at least our public holiday WA Day (previously known as Foundation Day) has coincided with Diamond Jubilee day. Although having said that I'm a little disappointed that the whole Commonwealth doesn't see fit to give us 2 days off to celebrate our Queen !! ..... I'm just saying.....
 We've had a fab day today... I made some macaroons to take over to our neighbours (G & C) where we were invited for lunch. Loved it. They are great entertainers and we sat outside looking over our roof at a slightly better (?) view than ours (higher than our place but couldn't see the city.....) and ate and drank and talked non-stop. Before I knew it myself & C had polished off 2 bottles !! As I said lovely. I was feeling pretty druggy. Yesterday was the start of the "run out of pills cycle7" Dr B told me to carry on taking Thalidomide every day, but to just run out of everything else. So Saturday I took my second to last dose of Cycloblastin and then yesterday, today & tomorrow is all I have to take of Dexamethasone and then that's it !! wahooooooo !! I won't know what's hit me not having to take those drugs..... although with the next appointment with my new Dr B looming, who knows how long it's going to be before he sends me in for the mega doses of chemo and the start of the Stem Cell Replacement !! ah well... mentally it's nice to know I'm nearly out of pills. It's been 129 days of them so far.
So anyway, back to today and my baking !! We got back from G & C's and I needed to prepare for tomorrow. It's Dirk's dad's birthday and he has requested everyone to bring a curry. I decided I needed to bake more macaroons too, oh and a birthday cake for him. So we hit the kitchen. My macaroons were ok-ish.... (ok so the last batch "may" have been out of a Donna Hay box) and mine were a real recipe..... the weren't shiny !! Does anyone know why? They looked a bit matt and not smooth.... I'll have to google why. They tasted bloody lovely though. The chocolate ganache filling works a treat!! I made the cake, but am filling it tomorrow with jam & butter cream. And the Rogan Josh is in the slow cooker over night ..... smells bloody delicious.... I'll be dreaming of India tonight..... or maybe Leicester !!!

Sitting in the Chair Relaxing

Zometa Infusion

Seeing as I'm coming to the end of one stage of this health journey and about to start the next, I've been doing a bit of reflecting. It's been a bloody tough 4 1/2 months in some respects.... especially for Dirk who's had to sit and watch, worry and cop every mood swing that he has just happened to be in the vicinity of, when they happen !! (ok not sure if that sentence makes sense but I think you'll know what I'm trying to say) ... but back to me... I'm not saying it's been an easy few months, in fact anything but easy. But I also appreciate how lucky I've been through all of this so far.   Sitting in the hospital on Friday as I had my Zometa infusion shows me this. There are all sorts of people in there for (I'm guessing) all sorts of chemo at every stage of treatment. Some look sicker than others. But they all smile - most of the time - but I see how lucky I've been so far. I've carried on working, and although some days have been a real struggle, I haven't had to quit or even go part-time. I've remained relatively healthy throughout. These next few weeks I need to be really careful. There is a lot of sickness around at the moment, and the last thing I want to do is pick up a bug right before I start the stem cell stage. I'm a bit scared about this next part. Mainly because I really don't know what to expect, how I'm going to react to the treatment and how I'm going to feel. With the way everything has gone so far, I'm sure I'll be fine. I know it's going to be tough.... but I'm young, healthy and strong. So this is a real positive. But it's still scary !! One of the things I'm a bit scared about is all the needles and drugs. I'm not scared of needles at all but I get the feeling that all the needles I've had so far are nothing compared to what I'm about to experience. And the drugs I've had so far..... a drop in the ocean compared to the next stage .... yikes !! Oh well, if I expect the worst, I can look back later on and say "well it wasn't as bad as I was expecting" !! hahaha. And there is always someone doing it much harder than I am, so I do appreciate how lucky I am. No more whinging...... especially as I'm no longer a pommy !! OMG can I say that?? Sorry mum, I'll always be English, don't worry. I know my heritage !! Especially on day like today too !! BTW - the title lyrics of todays blog are from Gary Barlow & Andrew Lloyd Webber's special Diamond Jubilee song 'Sing" I haven't heard it, I just found it and Googled the lyrics, so if it's a really crap ditty, I completely apologise. But I did read that Harry did a tambourine solo on the song which I thought was nice..... wonder if Pippa finds that a turn on?? I guess he'll find that out later at the after party !! And we will read all about it in next week's illustrious and fabulously articled Women's Magazines.... and I will ready said article in about 10 years time in some dentists waiting room and find out what really happened as I don't read the aforementioned mags !!
And so .... time for sleep. Night night, God Bless all and
God Save The Queen !!

I wonder if you can pick up.....My accent on the phone.....When I call across the country......When I call across the world......

The Benefication of Coal.... Washability Tables..... Interpolation..... this is the current subject I am sitting in, at work. As I look around the room everyone seems to understand what is being talked about..... and then there's me !!! Although I just got a quick look at the person's laptop next to me, and she's looking at holidays in Koh Samui !! .....
My week so far has been ok.... in an "ordinary" world I would have been enjoying the week. (From a nerdy... I like my job perspective) But add Cycloblastin, Dexamethasone & Thalidomide to the mix and the fun factor changes completely. My business unit is running a training week for all of our technical people from our international offices. It has been arranged predominantly by the operations manager. All good I hear you cry..... until he took sick last Wednesday and hasn't been back to work since !! The visitors arrived on Fri / Sat, with a day out to The Swan Valley organised for Sunday. And out of the five people that would be running the conference for the week (from the Perth office) three of them were sick. So Sunday I went out on a bus to play Supa Golf and taste wine, cheese & chocolate.... not bad at all actually !! I even managed to come home with a case of wine and an oversized bag of chocolate too !!

It is now Wednesday and the week has been run mostly by one guy that has only been with the company for a few months.... (He'll probably want a pay rise now !! yikes !!) It's actually not been too bad, but the stress levels have been running pretty high, as I'm worried that some of the content has been missed..... Being a "non technical" person there's not a great deal of value I can add, so I just sit here and make sure that I look interested and am here to support the "technical" people and make sure no-one falls asleep!! Monday & Tuesday were horrendous for me. They always are, coming down from a Big-Drug-Saturday. It's the shittiest kind of feeling. The worst part is the complete exhausted feeling. Every bone, muscle, blood cell and tissue in your body is tired and sluggish, so to do anything is a real struggle. And the birdcage mouth is beyond awfulness !! The hardest part though is pretending that you're ok. I'm not sure how many people I fooled, Dirk will tell you that he certainly copped it back at home, most of my niceness was exhausted by the time I got home..... I knew I'd start to feel ok by today... and I have. The cloud is lifting. I'm taking them out tonight for dinner in the hope this will score me some brownie points !!

I really should get myself a Dictaphone though. The past few days I've had the most amazing ideas that I wanted to blog about..... little subjects that I thought would be good to discuss, but for the life of me I can't remember any of them now.. I can say they were amazing ideas because you'll never know !! If I remember them now and add them, you might think they're shit ideas..... but in my mind they were bloody good ones !! I'm not even close to remembering them now. Yesterday when I was driving home, they mentioned on the radio it is 209 days to Christmas.... this is a good Facebook update (I thought to myself) I knew it would wind people up.... I was excited to see who would bite .... didn't take long !! It's like supporting "parents who slap their kids" Love it !! I'm a big supporter ....

Next Friday is the day I get to meet my new Dr. Another heaematologist. He will go through the procedure of the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement and I should have more of an idea about timing etc after this appointment. This leaflet explains quite simply about the procedure. It goes wthout saying that it's going to be a tough journey..... at random times my mind starts to think about what's ahead. I can be in the middle of a conversation and suddenly I'm thinking about stem cell replacement and chemo...... or half way through a phone call at work, it's not hard to lose your train of thought when this happens. Sometimes I don't know if it's better to be alone with my thoughts or worse.... It can be pretty echoey in my mind sometimes. Other times I can't even hear myself think because of the cacophony !!

Eye's are drooping like you wouldn't believe so going to sign out and publish this, but I will edit again tomorrow so......... watch......... this..............space................

We've golden soil and wealth for toil....... Our home is girt by sea..........

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie........ Oi, Oi, Oi !!!!
And so... after 8220 days..... 1174 weeks...... or 22 years, 6 months and 3 days I have become an Australian Citizen.....
It was all a bit of a rush, but then the whole week has been like that. Since Sunday I have not had the chance to scratch myself. At work this week we have had a regional managers conference. Manager's from all of our international offices have been in town. (Brazil, China, Kazakhstan, Russia, Turkey, Indonesia, UK, USA, Mongolia, South Africa & the Australian management group) I really struggled Monday & Tuesday - had the shakes and the after effects of all my drugs plus the Zometa infusion on Friday running through my system. In fact when I look back at the early part of the week now, it's all a bit hazy !!
I also picked up my new car on Monday too. Fantastic !! And the more I drive it, the more I like it. I was quite sad to say goodbye to my 3 series - it was such a beautiful car to drive. But having said that I am now suitably impressed with my new one...... the dogs also got their first run in the car on Tuesday - well seeing as the main reason for changing over the vehicle was for their benefit we thought we'd better test run the boot !! - all was (of course) perfect. They jumped in and were contained beautifully. Maverick stood proudly looking out the windows and Charlie lay down under Maverick's feet and "tried to" relax.
As the week wore on the effects of the drugs gradually began to calm down with just the daily effects of the nightly Thalidomide to content with..... a few jitters, mild shakes and a feeling of being whacked out whilst on the equivalent of 10 red bull's. I managed to make it into work pretty much on time every day (by 9am) and stayed the full day each day too.
Thursday morning I got up at 6:30am and took Dirk's car to be detailed, north of the river. Then picked it up at 5pm, rushed home.... as much as you can in peak hour traffic. Quick change before rushing back out to Melville Civic Centre for my citizenship ceremony. When we arrived, the Mayor greeted Dirk immediately - recognising him as one of his former students.... he was Dirk's maths teacher from school !! Nice chap with a big grin and quick wit. I liked him. We spent the next hour watching as four groups of about 15 people each group voiced their pledges to Australia and became Aussies. I was in group two. I'd decided to do the pledge with "God" in it. (You had a choice to either leave Him out or have Him in..... I decided to leave Him in.... no reason really, I just did. And with the way things are at the moment, I think a girl needs all the help she can get, so if God is going to help me, the least I can do is acknowledge Him !!)
We were asked if we wanted to stay for a cup of tea.... however we had a work dinner. I had cheekily asked if Dirk could join too as I really wanted to share a dinner with all the guys from work, but also wanted to celebrate with Dirk after the ceremony. My MD was very happy for Dirk to come along, so we dashed out straight after a quick pic next to the flag with the Mayor. Arrived at The Old Swan Brewery in time for a celebratory glass of NZ SSB - much more appropriate than a cup of tea in my mind !! and once everyone had arrived we sat down. We had a great night. At each course, we all moved round the table four spots so everyone had to talk to new people. I really enjoyed myself. Food was excellent too. Although far too much !! We got home at midnight.... I popped my Thalidomide and crashed out.
Friday we finished off the week with a few discussions and final meetings. Then headed to UWA for a Micromine Soiree. I was tiring BIG time by this point. The week was beginning to take it's toll. I managed to enjoy a glass of vino before deciding enough was enough..... so I bid my farewell's to the international visitors and made a quick exit. It was Friday.... which means only one thing in our house..... Pizza night !! But it was an ordered one this week. We just couldn't face cooking. It arrived in the obligitory 30 minutes. and 30 minutes later I was asleep..... lights out.... stick a fork in me.... I was done !!
Today we managed to get a few jobs done. It was a gorgeous day, sunshine, warm with just a light breeze. We fixed the fence, stained the outdoor table & chairs and Dirk mowed the lawns. Now we're watching the footy. I'm happy because the team I tipped are winning, unfortunately I tipped against Dirk's team, so he's not happy !! I guess you can't win them all.
It's Aussie Mother's Day tomorrow. Dirk's off to his parent's beach house to help with an annual clean up. I'm off for Dim Sum breakfast with a girlfriend .... I think I won on that one !! haha. Not sure what else we'll do. I started Cycle 6 today so I may have to play it by ear..... Blood tests again on Monday in time for a visit to Dr Ben on Wednesday. I'm interested to see what he says about my results. Hopefully he'll be as happy as I am.

Late news .... just in..... I've just found out that my mum is coming out of hospital today !! Yay, yippee... I am so pleased she's headed home. And in time for Mother's Day too !! I'll have to make a call to dad and make sure that he spoils her on our behalf :-) Now the road to recovery starts again for mum. This time it will be successful !!! Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow mum. Love you loads xxxxx
One last thing before I sign off.... I'm having a "Biggest Morning Tea" for cancer fundraising at work on 25th May. It's at work so hopefully a few work colleagues will come and share a cup-cake or two. But if anyone wants to donate you can do it here...

And you wanted to dance so I asked you to dance...... But fear is in your soul........... Some people call it a one night stand .........But we can call it paradise.........

OK..... I have some questions.....

Why... when you're about to have an important evening (i.e. an engagement party) do you break out in zits all over your face? Especially when you haven't had a zit for about 15 years !!
and why.... do I feel like I have flu coming on after I've eaten a meal?
and why.... can't my mum start getting better instead of worse?
and why... does every word or phrase these days start with a #hashtag?

These questions and more have been plaguing me this week.... I can't believe I've had a breakout. WTF is that about? If mum was here, she'd say it was stress (or hormones) .... but I'm not under any more stress than normal.... not really..... (my hormones are probably all over the place so maybe that's it) Lucky we have make-up - cause I'm going to need it on Saturday night !!
The food thing is a weird one. Lately, after I've eaten, I feel like I have flu coming on. Especially in the mornings after breakfast and after evening meals.  I feel weak and like I have the chills. I need to lie down and get warm, then after about an hour I feel ok again. Daytime isn't as bad.

After four days on the Dexamethsone (Last Wed through to Sat) the coming down this week was pretty bad. I managed to work through most of it. Monday I struggled through the day until about 2pm then headed home and crashed. I ended up working until midnight, but that was OK as I'd had a sleep in the afternoon. Tuesday wasn't much better. But the meetings at work were a bit of a struggle. Especially as they were back to back from 10am through until 3pm without a break !! As I've said before.... lots of notes !! Wednesday (today) sick day ..... I needed to catch up. I slept until midday. After a shower and some lunch I finally started to feel ok again. So I now have two days left before I start the next cycle and it starts all over again. Starting Cycle 5 on Saturday means all pills on Saturday..... going on past experience,  it should be OK. Sunday will probably be worse that Saturday.... if Saturday night goes well I won't care by then.

Everything is ready for the party.... I think !! Caterers booked, bar staff booked, tables organised, booze ordered, lights and candles sorted. We should be ready to go. Music should be fine, we'll just put a playlist on. And seeing as we are not the traditional type, there'll be no speeches, just friends, beer, wine, bubbles and hopefully lots of laughs.

I've also asked my sister if she will join me for my wedding. I realised it wouldn't be the same without her on the day. So now I'll have my two besties and my sis by my side on the day. Perfect !! I'm pretty sure she'll be a lot nicer to me than I was to her for her day....but that's another story.... probably one that's best left un-written !!! I will write more after the party on Saturday evening.... but for now, it's 1am and time for some sleep..... short and sweet.....
night night ........

I wandered out in the world for years............ while you just stayed in your room........ I saw the crescent....... you saw the whole of the moon! ......

Four day weekend..... over already.... sigh !!! Complete sugar overload ! Sunday morning I had Easter eggs for breakfast.... not the best idea..... about an hour afterwards I felt like shite !! and there was no other excuse for it..... too much chocolate. But you can guarantee that come next Easter I will do exactly the same again and go through it all again !!!
The sleep-in's have been fantastic. Not having to wake up at any particular time really suits me.  This morning (Monday) I even got up and walked the dogs with Dirk. I wasn't going to to go, I was going to have a bit more sleep, but then I thought it would probably make me feel better if I went, so I dragged myself up and walked to the park. Everything is a bit of a struggle at the moment. But having said that, I really did feel better for going.


We've also managed to have some relaxing catch ups over the weekend too. Sunday we caught up with Dirk's brother and partner - had a lovely bottle of bubbles and some vino, sat back on the balcony and chatted. And on Monday had some friends over for a late afternoon BBQ. It was so relaxing I felt sleepy by 5pm and almost snook off for a Nana nap !! I have to say a BIG thank you to Callie who bought the most divine sticky date pudding !! OMG it was ay-may-zing !!

It's now Wednesday... I worked from home yesterday and got quite a bit done. I got up to dial into my weekly meeting with North America only to find it was cancelled once I'd checked my emails.... but I was up so I hit the keyboard and started working. My only interruption for the day was a trip to the Dr's to get a pregga's test. It is becoming quite a pain having to get this done all the time. Even to pick up the second part of my script (because they won't give you the full prescription in one go) I have to go and get one !! I now have bruising on my arms from the band they put around your arm to find the vein, and also one from the "blow out" she had at the Zometa infusion last week.  As well as the big one on my leg from the wee slip I had (Mav's wee that is !) I look like I've been bashed up by Dirk !!

The Engagement party is pretty much booked and ready to go. (I think) I'm just waiting on the final quote from the caterers and we should be good to go. BIG question is new frock or not?? I hadn't really thought too much about it. Dirk would say not, but I would say "why not" !! It's probably too late for an online jobby, so I may have to hit the shops and see what's around. My biggest fear fr the night is the weather.... as it's beginning to cool down a bit now, if it rains, I think we'll be stuffed !! we have about 60+ people coming over so it's going to be a squeeze even with the outside area... if it rains, I think there'll be people in the bedrooms too !! Oh well... I'm sure we'll squeeze in somehow.....

mmm vanilla fudge !!

So now all I'm wishing for is for mum to hurry up and get better. She's back in hospital again and to be honest I'm not happy about it at all. It's so worrying to know she's just not feeling better. This has been going on too long now. I'm sure dad is worrying more than anyone. As long as they know that I'm OK and they don'y have to worry about me at all. I'm coping well and all my test results are showing that the drugs are working. Nothing to worry about here. Cancer really is a fucking bitch !!
On a brighter note... I found my vanilla fudge today so craving has been satisfied and all is good with world again !!

My morning view when I woke up today......He is a typical male !! 

like sands through the hourglass...... so are the days of our lives......

Happy Easter !!! and welcome to another whinge fest I also like to call My Blog !!

The Zometa infusion on Thursday evening went OK. Dirk was with me this time, which made it less daunting. Not much to report, other than one attempt at the needle resulted in a burst vein, so had to find another one and start again. But I have my impression of a pin-cushion down pat these days so not a problem. Infused, flushed and we were out. Straight home to change for the SPCC Night of Nights !! It was (as always) more fun because of the people there, more than the actual event. Had a good catch up with the girls(and guys) and watched the awards being presented. Dirk also won an award for his work around the club. Well deserved I thought. All in all a good night with quite a few laughs Home at midnight, popped my pills and off to bed.

Friday was not as good as it could have been for me. Although I definitely didn't get the same flu type feelings of the last Zometa infusion, I still had a few of the side effects. Mostly it was complete exhaustion and a slight feeling of flu. Most of the day I slept or was horizontal on the couch. Dirk made some Hot Cross Buns - which were delicious - and by 4pm he was off to bed for a nana nap. I decided to catch up with some episodes of Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model (LOVE) wrapped up in my blanket. I was just about to drift off when I got a sloppy and sticky(?) kiss from Maverick !! At first I didn't think much of it - sloppy kisses are a common thing - but the stickiness of this one made me wonder..... what had he been into.... then it dawned on me...... the Hot Cross Buns !!! The little bugger had jumped up and grabbed the remaining eight (yes 8 ) buns and eaten them..... and they contained sultana's and raisin's. (Sultana's are poisonous to dogs) I immediately woke Dirk, we called the emergency vet hospital and they told us to go straight in. They then took Mavvy away and gave him an injection to make him sick, then another one to calm his stomach and then some charcoal to absorb any left over toxins.... We heard afterwards that he had been entertaining the staff and enjoying himself at the hospital. And when we got the report back explaining what they had done, it also had a note saying "Maverick appears to be in excellent health and has a sensational personality" Somehow I don't think the experience was bad enough for him !! I'm thinking he may not have learned his lesson !!! Little bugger !!! He's right as rain today and has already eaten another cushion from outside... grrrrr.....

When I woke up this morning, for the first time in ages I felt quite good. I didn't have that drained feeling. It was such a refreshing feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I woke up feeling like this.... it's been months ! So I got up, made coffee and returned to the sack to enjoy. (no dirty thoughts here thank you!) We decided to hit the shops and stockpile for Easter. With the shops being closed for two whole days it's very important to make sure we don't starve !! We bought lots of chocolate (mmm) Dirk also managed to score some new clothes and shoes (I know !! him not me !! WTF!!) ...... but ... as it was Cyclo day, by 3pm the drugs have hit me again. I now feel anxious, buzzy and chemically again. The good feeling didn't last long enough :-( But tomorrow's another day.......

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.......

Sickness and tiredness...... that about sums it up for the past couple of days....
I had a fabulous Wednesday evening. Caught up with an 'old' friend from Geelong (not old in the age sense, old as in we've been friends for 20 years !!) who I haven't seen for six years !! and it was great We had a good chat, nice tea and a couple of wines.... nothing silly, just relaxed. Dirk said he could see why we were friends..... (what did he mean by that !!?)
I took my pills and was in bed before midnight. But by 9am Thursday morning, I was sick ! I felt like a truck had slammed into me. I got up and checked my emails etc. But within an hour I was back in bed, body aching and feeling queasy. By midday I had diarrhoea and felt worse. I managed to drive my friend back to her place, and then straight back home to bed & more sleep. I eventually woke up around 5ish. I still had a runny bottom (euww) and felt pretty crap all round really.
Footy was back and Carlton were playing so I did manage to watch the game and see the mighty Blue boys romp it home with a win - which was nice - but that was about it for the day. Back to bed with an extra blanket......

I woke up throughout the night with continued tummy ache and dashing to the toilet.... very unpleasant !! But by 9am Friday morning ..... I was ok again ! What's that about? As quickly as it came, it was gone again.... Weird !!
So back to normal Friday.... work and pizza night !! I'm still trying to enjoy food.... but at the moment, most things have a slight bitter after taste....

I've managed to keep up to date with mum. She had to go back into hospital last week, but after a few pints of blood and a sleepover, was released back home again. It looks like she'll be starting her chemo sooner than planned too. So we'll be able to share our gripes with each other now !! Perfect !! Mum is going to be going in every week for an infusion, starting with a lower dose to see how she copes. I think she'll be fine :-) We're made of pretty tough stuff us Austin's !! Dad is still being amazing too, watching over mum and running around for her. Love you both xxx
And so to Saturday...... NO CRICKET !!! OMG ...... Dirk has a list as long as his .... <insert something really long here>  and I have to start Cycle 4 today..... other than that we'll just see where the weekend takes us. I'm looking forward to dinner tonight with some good friends. Should be a good evening. Today we have to wash our dogs... Maverick keeps jumping in the pool (well the overflow pond part of the pool) and is getting smelly... Dirk wants to make Hot Cross Buns, so we'll do that too..... pretty mundane sort of stuff.... and then Sunday..... footy, a few chores around the house and some TV no doubt......

“Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub.”

Yawn !!..... wowsers... talk about falling into a heap at the end of the weekend. I haven't been able to do much more than sleep since Sunday, but I think I'm finally beginning to understand the cycle of my drugs a bit more now. The Thalidomide gives me the shakes.... the Dexa's make me moody and irritable and a bit jittery and the Cyclo makes me tired beyond tired, with that sludgy feeling and a little neuropathy. Now if I could just plan my days and meetings around the drugs I'd be better equipped !! The biggest problem is that just as one drug works it's way out of your system, you pump the other one in. And the Thalidomide is daily, so there's no escape from that one at all. Oh well..... cycle 4 next week already.... that's 9 weeks of chemo gone already.
"Time flies when you're having fun..." or so they say !!

The weekend was great, due to the fact that the cricket club had wins and walked away with two flags. But the nicest part for me was sitting in the sun with the girls, chatting and drinking champers. Really quite pleasant. It was a bit tense for a while (the cricket), but all good in the end. Sunday evening Dirk & I went to my bosses house for tea and had a great meal with some great company. Good wines, good food and a good laugh too. We didn't leave until late so by the end of the weekend, I was absolutely exhausted. We had to stop off on the way home to see the boys celebrating at the club..... I have to say.... it was no place for girls..... drunk, naked, sweaty, Emu Bitter drinking males all hugging one another constantly. Lots of male love in the room....  They had already done nude runs down to the freeway and back, greased up the covers and done naked sliding and one of them was covered in a MacDonald's chocolate sundae !! .......need I say more? !!!! and they think girls are bad !!

But the after effects of a feel good week and a good weekend come at a cost.... and the cost was Monday !! I woke exhausted, got up checked my emails and collapsed back into bed and slept again. It was a very difficult day. The neuropathy is weird. It's like you know you should be feeling things but the feelings are numbed. When I'm in the shower, I know that the water is hitting my body, but you can't quite feel it on your body.... and when I stretch my arms out to reach for something, my fingers all tingle. And the jaw and face feelings are just as bad...... when I'm drinking water, it takes a while before my mind associates the drinking action with the feeling. I'm sitting here now trying to remember yesterday and I can hardly do it. I was like a zombie all day. I don't think I functioned very well. I also got a message from my sis to say that mum had gone back into hospital so on top of everything I was also worried about her. It's so bloody shit sometimes, being so far away.... I know they all worry about me, and here I am worrying right back about them. I'll feel better when mum starts to get stronger and is eating (hear that mum !!) We all love being skinny, but mum is just taking it to the extreme !! Time to settle down now Gezza !! We spoke tonight, mum is back home again having had a blood transfusion and some tests. She sounded a lot better and we had a good chat, so at the moment, I'm feeling ok again.
I've slept more today too. I went in to work this morning - sat on a conf call for 1/2 hour that no-one else dialled into !! TFC !! - got through some work until about 1pm then went to lunch with my besty.We had chance to really catch up and talk and I loved it. We spoke weddings, holidays, family, houses, men, women, friends old and new..... all the stuff besties talk about. I got a call from the new GM at a competitor company while I was at lunch to see if I wanted to go and work for them !! haha ... I said thanks but not right now. Then I came home and slept..... again. And I actually feel ok at the moment. I still don't think I'll have any problems sleeping again tonight either. I guess I just have to go with the flow and do what my body is telling me to.
Dirk & I have to organise our engagement party and get the invites out. We have to book caterers and other stuff associated with a party. Not sure Dirk is quite as enthusiastic as me, but I'll whip him into shape and get him excited about it all ..... who doesn't like a party?

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection..... Dalai Lama

Today is day 46 of chemo already......I've been trying so hard this week to be more ......... more what? relaxed, less bitchy, less tetchy? all of the above I suppose.... It's bloody hard sometimes. My body says one thing and my mind says another. Most of the time I just fly off the handle and say things without thinking - so this is what I've been working on !! The shakes, jitters, tiredness, sluggishness and complete malaise continue to plague my days and nights. This is the only thing that is the constant reminder of what is going on.... and there's no escape from it. Mostly I try to forget about it, but by the end of each day, I'm drained and dreading the thought of taking another pill. Because then the cycle starts all over again..... I really don't know how anyone could do this alone.... I am so lucky to have the support around me in Dirk and my friends.

I have pretty much lost most of my taste buds now.... so food or rather the satisfaction of tasting food, is becoming harder to reach. I taste initially, then as quick as the taste hits my mouth it is gone again. Now for someone that eats because they love the taste of food and not because I'll die if I don't eat, this is major for me.  It's getting harder and harder to find the right thing to eat. Nothing that used to satisfy does the job any more. So I'm looking to new tastes and foods for inspiration.... as yet haven't found it though !! I see things on the food channel and I think I might like them, but once I've tried to recreate them I can't tell if they were any good or not. At the end of a meal I have to ask Dirk if it tasted any good. A clean plate usually tells the story that it was pretty good..... at least someone is getting to enjoy it !!

Our little Maverick has gone to get his nuts chopped off today (ouch) so for the next 10 days we'll have a 29kg puppy loose in the house with a bucket on his head !!! something to look forward to !! I imagine there'll be big gouges of plaster taken out of walls, knocked off displays and accidental breakages as he leaves a path of destruction wherever he travels. But we love him so all will be OK.....

It's now Wednesday evening and Dirk has just walked in with my birthday pressie...... and tadaaaaa !!!

This is it !!! a new Mac Book Air :-) awesome.... I can now blog away without having to worry about a big laptop on my knees and without the hassle of using the iPad which doesn't type well and won't save my blogs easily. i LOVE it !!! fanTASTic !! The boy just keeps getting better and better !!! I think he was more excited about giving it to me. I was happy to wait until tomorrow, he's been trying to give me the present since yesterday !! hee her.

Birthday tomorrow too !! A day at the office, I will probably have to supply the staff with birthday cake and sausage rolls for morning tea..... maybe a little lunch time catch up and a quiet evening. We are going out to celebrate on Friday night, once the working week is over and we can relax without the "school night" feeling hanging over our heads. I'm looking forward to our dinner.

Saturday is cricket again.... and Sunday too .... it's finals time, so nearly over.... Once over we are going to have an engagement party at home. I'm thinking a nice, elegant little champagne / cocktail evening at sunset. Our friends, some choice nibbles and lots of bubbles.... hopefully before all the warm weather goes away. Maybe over Easter.... we'll see.

Maverick is now home. He's a little more quiet tonight... probably a little sore (poor fella) We haven't had to put the bucket on yet. He's been too droopy. But I guess tomorrow will be the day when he's more.... inquisitive as to what's been taken away !! Hopefully we'll be able to let them heal before he attacks the stitches.  Time to go to bed now on the final day of my 41st year..... 42 tomorrow..... I hope it's a good year !!

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy.......... Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy......... Your skin is white but you think you're a brother....... Some days are better than others

Well I'm glad that week is over !! Talk about a hellish one.... not good. But the dark clouds seemed to have lifted when I woke this morning... so I'm feeling like I've come out of the eye of the storm. There will probably be more storms before the year is over.... but hopefully we'll get a few weeks of fine weather in !

Ok enough of that crap.... but it really was a bad week. If you haven't read already, it started out with complete exhaustion, followed by the Zometa infusion episode (knock-me-down flu like symptoms) and the Jekyll & Hyde and emotional personality disorders I've been experiencing too. Dirk nearly asked for the ring back I think!

It's been very tough emotionally for me.... Wednesday at the cancer clinic really hit me, it made it just a little bit more real for me. And it was hard to take. I started to think about what's ahead, stared to read up on the next steps, read blogs from other MM patients..... That coupled with all the other shit that was surging through me took it's toll. I got depressed and then angry and then depressed again that all this has happened to me. Did I do something majorly wrong to deserve it? Have I been so bad in life that Karma saw that I deserved cancer? I thought it was enough that our family should have to be there for mum and be able to support her, but now to be split across the world and not be able to be there for each other sucks big time. It really isn't fair sometimes..... I'm worried about all sorts of stuff.... obviously me, my health, Dirk, work, money, mum, dad, planning my wedding.... my sanity.... everything. You don't have to tell me not to worry about all these things... I know, I know.... but I'm just saying. This is whats in my head.

But as I said in the beginning... today was better. Even though Dirk had cricket, he chose to stay home (yes he did !!!) and we had a good day. Not in the most relaxing sense, but a good day. We got some long overdue chores finished. A few bits in the garden (Dirk) and a major closet clean out/up. Threw out even more fat clothes and tided out everything. It is now Ay-may-zing !! Sorted into summer / winter, work / casual / going out, pants / skirts / dresses. Just fab !! - Jo you would be proud !! And we finished it all off with a nice piece of slow cooked pork marinated in sticky bourbon bbq sauce and rice.... delicious.
I started cycle 3 of chemo yesterday, so have been pretty shaky and jittery this afternoon. When I eat now, I get the first taste of food, but then that's it.... nothing after the first bit when it hits your tongue. No after taste, no further flavours. Chilli is becoming a problem as it burns. And if anything is too salty all I get is the salt. Like a piece of ham tastes like a slice of salt..... so my choices are now a bit more decided, instead of random.

And so I embark on my birthday week :-) yay !! It's Thursday... just so you all remember ;-).... I'm really hoping it'll be a better week. I feeling like it will be. Dirk has booked at Balthazar Restaurant (a beautiful place and one of our favourites) on Friday night. Should be good. I might even wear my new frock again. It probably needs a dry clean first, but I can get that done this week.....

Well it's nearly 11pm so I'm off to bed.... night night...

Day44....

Please, don't wake me, no, don't shake me...... Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping.......

The wedding was fanTASTic .... Such a beautiful day. The bride looked amazing, there was so much fun, laughter and love around. Everyone was just 100% happy. Throughout the day I had moments of chemical buzzing, but mostly ignored the feelings. I even managed a couple of dances .... We finished around 11:30pm and went home to bed.

And that is pretty much where the weekend ended. The feelings of shakes and buzzing returned with a vengeance on Monday and I wasn't really able to move at all. To give you an idea of how I'm feeling is really hard to describe, but I'll give it a go. My lips throb - a little like you've eaten something that you're allergic to. At the same time my teeth feel very metally... and they kind of pulsate too. My whole body feels very sluggish. It's like my blood is now as thick as cake mixture.... or one of those volcanic mud springs you see on the Discovery Channel, and so every time by heart tries to pump my blood around my body, it takes more effort. My legs and arms feel heavy so it's a struggle to just do normal activities. Like walking and getting out of bed !!! They constantly tingle - not to mention the hand shaking, which makes me look like I have Parkinson's disease at the moment. My back is aching again too (probably from wearing high heels all day) all I want to do is sleep. I think this is the first time since I started my drugs that I've really felt so tired. It has finally caught up with me.... It's now Tuesday evening and all I have done today is sleep too. I feel weak and fragile. Tomorrow I have to go to hospital for the Zometa infusion. Hopefully it won't make me feel worse - soooo hope it doesn't make me feel worse..... Work had to take a back seat today. When I woke at 7am I still couldn't move.... I was just so wiped out. So I've spent most of the day sleeping again. I'm just worried that I haven't caught up enough yet though !! I guess this is just what happens every now and again. I just have to listen to my body and go with it.

But, having said all that, I did have a good weekend. The wedding was fab. And that's all that mattered. I'm going to be an aunty again :-) (YAY !! my bro and sil have just announced the news so I know it's safe to share) And I got to relax and sleep a lot - isn't that what weekends are all about?? I think so.....

Day39....

From the moment I wake up....... Before I put on my makeup...... I say a little prayer for you..

So it's finally the day of my friends wedding !! Yay !! So excited. The dress fits.... well it did yesterday. I have a new bag, polished toe nails and am feeling.... ummm... ok ish !!
Yesterday was a big drug day... all 3 CTD had to be taken so by the end of the day I was a bit of a mess. The shaking really hasn't stopped yet. The lack of taste buds is getting worse and the fuzziness is still a bit of an issue. Nothing much can be done about it all, so you just really have to suck it up and carry on. By 8pm last night, I was sick of sucking..... I couldn't really function any more. So we watched a bit of tv before I collapsed into bed and passed out.

Last time we caught up, we were having friends over for "Fri Nite Pizza Nite" Now you all know how frustrated I get about let downs.... Friday was no exception.... my bestie turned up alone as there was another last minute sick kid !!  Bloody kids... I tell you - why do people bother? I really don't get it !! They mess up everything ... rant over... (and I know you breeders out there will all have positive things to say about being a parent... blah blah blah.... I've heard it all - it's just not for me) BUT anyway.... getting back to my night - my friend from UK was here and my two besties. Beautiful bottle of Moet Nectar (my absolute favourite champers) and straight into chatting and laughing. Dirk took Andrew to the airport to catch his flight back home around 8:30pm and us girls didn't miss a beat (or a sip) We talked without taking a breath and gradually polished off two bottles of bubbles and a fantastic bottle of Cloudy Bay SSB. Nothing untoward, just talk talk talk.... weddings, old stories, work, health, cancer, sex, partners, husbands, ex's.... you name it we talked about it. LOVED It !! I had to wrestle the keys from Snap before she left as she really thought she'd be ok to drive home.... I think not !! I promised her I'd have her car back early in the morning and Di dropped her off.
The next morning when we dropped her car off she was in a darkened room with a sick bucket by the bed and a lavender wheat mask across her eyes !!! hahahaha - love you Snap !! I'm not sure she was going to make it to the kiddies party she was supposed to be going to at 10:30am !! I don't think her hubby was too pleased.... but we don't do it often, she was home before midnight, so I have to say - get over it !! She's my bestie and it was a night we really needed together.

I've been getting complaints about the lack of blog being penned !! WTF !! I thought this was about me ?? haha If I don't have anything to put down, I can't just drivel on. I feel like I drivel on a bit as it is... to drivel more every day would just be a big bore.... and I hate to be boring !! So you guys will just have to bide your time and wait for updates as they come. OK? ;-)

The only other thing at the moment that is annoying is our puppy - Maverick - he is constantly chewing EVERYTHING !!! Bless him he's a cute, cuddly, funny (massive) dog, but I'm sick of losing all of our cushions and citronella candles to him. If you leave it out, he'll eat it !! Dirk went to smear Vic's Vapor Rub on stuff, but he likes it so licks it off !! We finally had the last part of the pool fixed on Thursday - the auto water filler - by Thursday evening Mav had dug it up, pulled out the wiring and eaten it !! arrrgghhhh we were NOT happy. And I think Mav got the gist of our mood !! After all the abuse I gave to the pool company on Thursday, I think it's best that we don't do business with them again (12 times to come fix issues - and they think that's acceptable) So off to Bunnings this morning to replace the wiring we lost and hopefully Dirk can fix it.

I am so excited about today. I will have part two of this blog to continue tomorrow..... and probably some pics of the day too. It's a long weekend in Perth so tomorrow will be good for recovery. And to think I should have been in Toronto right now, the mining show is on that I'm running from afar. So hopefully all the men on the stand will do the right thing and make it a good one. Daily reports back to me should be interesting, but they're a good bunch so fingers crossed they'll make me look good !! I have faith !!

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place.......Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace......Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste

So I've realised that amongst all of my self centred obsession, I've been neglecting my duties as a friend lately. I've failed to catch up with people and call them to see how they are doing.... my bad. So how are you all :-) ? - <joke> my intention is to be a better friend and get back to normal. Expect a phone call very soon. If you don't get one and you want one, let me know !! For those of us that use Facebook, it's so easy to stay on top of what's happening with everyone. All you do is click on their name and stalk their updates to gain insight into all the news. Check out pictures of parties, birthdays, children, drunkenness (my favourite) etc. and you feel like you were almost there with them. Brilliant !!

Day31..... The Blood Tests

I had another check up and got my blood test results with Dr Ben yesterday. I was prepared with my little pink book full of questions for the month and we went in. The girl on reception is a young Irish girl.... just lovely I'm sure, but we can't understand a bloody word she says !! I think she said something along the lines of "we don't have an appointment for you today" but after some sign language and nodding, we sat down and waited and eventually Dr Ben called us in. Straight to blood test results... brilliant !! Just to explain a little - non-secreatory Multiple Myeloma cannot be detected via the blood and urine so traditionally was hard to detect as it lay within the bone marrow and didn't show in normal type of blood tests. They now have a new test that is run called "serum free light chain" which picks up the protein levels in the blood to detect how things are going.
The normal range that I was being measured on is Kappa: 3.3–19.4 mg/L - my 1st result in Jan was 402mg/l after 10 days of chemo my second result came back at 354mg/L and then yesterday I was down to 175mg/L !! This is great news dropping so quickly. Even quiet Dr Ben appeared slightly happy ! He even smirked (I think - unless he had wind) He also went on to say that I may start the autologous stem cell replacement within a couple of months !(gulp) So I am booked to see another specialist at Royal Perth hospital for mid March to start that process. The other thing that I have to start is an intravenous drug called Zometa this is a sort of calcium booster that helps prevent bone weakness and also assists in slowing down the cancer growth. It can only be given intravenously so off to the hospital next Wednesday morning for this one. I asked him about my shakes and he said they should start to get better as my body becomes more accustomed to the Thalidomide !! Lovely.....

Day 32

Last night Dirk and I had the pleasure of joining our soon-to-be-wed friends for dinner. We went to a fabulous little place on the beach in Fremantle called The Pickled Fig - fabulous food, good bottle of bubbles but the company was the best part of the whole night. I can't say how much I love this couple. Such a pleasure to spend time with. You know when you meet some people and they just lift everything. Always happy, fun to be around and just gorgeous. I am so looking forward to Sunday to see their big day together. I just know its going to be fab. AND Kasey even bought me a gift. from one girl who has just done it all, to another that is about to start..... she bought me a wedding planner !! It is the BEST and I love it.... see what I mean about gorgeous? !!

Day33 - The Pickled Fig, Fremantle

And so today... back to another full on day. I'm a little behind on some work and it just keeps piling up. Now I also have to think about taking time off in a couple of months (for a few months) I'd been planning for around Aug / Sept time. But I guess once I see the stem cell guy from Royal Perth in late March, I'll know a bit more. And also we have a few more cycles of chemo and a fair few more tests before I know anything.
The end of the day was one of Micromine's (in)famous Soiree's - a fabulous event at work and one that I always relish. Open bar, nibbles and an uplifting presentation from our MD. It's always fun and I love the speeches. I might add that they aren't always PC, but they are always honest :-) Today was no exception. Love it. Love that place too.....

So my new day resolution is to be a better friend again. Starting tomorrow :-) Keeping in touch and returning calls. Making sure I take the time to see how they are all going. There'll be plenty of time for me. But I can't neglect them - they are all too special..... VERY special and I love them all..... very much.

Day34 - The Byrneleigh - Micromine Soiree

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot..... nothing is going to get better. It's not.” ― Dr. Seuss

Wow..... three days since my last blog post !! and yet it feels just like yesterday ! Where did the weekend go? I think I must have sneezed and missed it. I slept a bit, shopped a little and shook my way through both days..... but not in the disco sense (do people still use the word disco ?? - I'm thinking not !!) I'm still pretty shaky and jittery. Not quite as bad as last week.... I even think that the mood swings are beginning to subside, but I think if you were to ask Dirk the same question he may just have a slightly different answer !! .... and it wouldn't contain the words "less" or "subside". And just as the effects of the Cyclo & Dexa begin to wear off, BANG.... take another dose thank you very much !! But I think that's the whole idea. I'm sure that eventually my body will just return to a relatively normal state of being and all will be forgotten of this stage...... for now it's just shake, rattle and blluurrggghhhh.

I'm pretty sure people have been reading my blog though. Especially my closest friends.... they have stayed well clear of Sylvia (my physco alter ego)  this past week !!! Not a peep from anyone. And who can blame them. Who wants to call and then get their head bitten off? I've really needed the time too. Time to escape from my dark moods without having to talk about it all. The downside is that I haven't been able to get excited about any engagement stuff.... there's been no-one to share it with. The upside being that any time I've been down, all I've had to do is look at my bling and it makes me smile. I've had a lot of work to do too. In between all of the moods and shaking, the only other thing I've been doing is work.

I caught up with my old school pal on Saturday. Great to catch up again..... But what is it with Perth?? I called five restaurants on Saturday to get a table for three people. They were all booked out. They weren't even flashy places, just local eateries that I thought would be good for a relaxed casual meal. So we ended up going to Raffles for tea. Nice..... but ..... $350 !!! for three people??? (all I had was an entree).....REALLY? .....What are we fucking New York? or London? It's PERTH for shits sake !! If you haven't seen this you must watch "Shit Perth People Say" It is spot on the money. Sunday was spent in front of the telly watching Rugby, Cricket (whilst I nana napped), then Series 3 of The Inbetweeners & Team America. Not a bad Sunday all in all. Although I'm not sure my friend flew half way around the world to spend the day watching TV !! Hopefully he'll forgive us this time. An invite has been extended to him for Friday Night Pizza Nite before he flies out, we'll try and be a little more entertaining then.

And so this week's lending itself to becoming another "week from hell" I have two major reports to finish for work, two Dr's appointments, blood tests, and meetings galore. But amongst all of that Dirk and I have our good friends wedding on Sunday (yay sooo can't wait for that) and we even get to catch up with the Bride & Groom for tea on Wednesday evening. I am really looking forward to the weekend. New frock, good friends and a long weekend..... fanTASTic. I should have been in Toronto this weekend and next week, which would have been good, but I think I lucked out not being able to fly this time.

Day29.....(& Day30)

Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream......That's how I get by....... (Jack Sparrow)

So not the best of times this week. Shaking, jitters, tingling teeth & gums, bad taste buds, fuzzy thoughts and the WORST mood swings..... I have been so irritable it's giving me the shits !! I just want to feel normal. I'm sick of people asking how I am and I'm sick of sympathetic looks and sighs. I don't feel like talking about it and I don't want to sit and discuss options on how to possibly "manage" the feelings with diet, exercise or meditation !! I just want to go back to normal....... People being nice to me is making me feel worse. It makes you wonder if telling the whole world about things is always the right decision.... I mean, if I hadn't told anyone, no-one would be treating me any differently. But then, where would I be without all of the support I've already  received? Being alone at the moment is the only place I feel calm. It's the only place I don't have to worry about other people worrying about me.....
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or mean, I'm just telling it how it is. I would do anything to be feeling all warm, fluffy and fuzzy about things. Even pathetic and sorry for myself with Dirk pandering to my every whim would feel better than Jekyll & Hyde !! But I just don't want any of it right now. I keep taking deep breaths and counting to ten...... maybe counting to 100 would be a better idea !!

So what do you do in situations like this?.... shut down and hope it all goes away? ...... carry on and hope that not too many people notice? ......who knows.... I suppose the latter is more my style. There'll be certain people that have to suffer alongside me in silence, and there'll be those that stay well away until it's passed. .....And then I'll be over it (hopefully) & it'll be forgotten. Work is helping. I've had a full-on week with loads to do, so have had that to take my mind off things. But amongst all of the work I've been shaking like a leaf and barely able to cope with the waves of chemicals and emotions swimming about me. All I can do is pray that I get used to it all quickly and it doesn't get any worse than this. I go to see Dr B on Wednesday so will check in with him that this is "normal"

I've just re-read everything back.... it's a bit glum. So I went looking for something to help change my thinking... I found this from Lance Armstrong:

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

Quite appropriate I think. And time to get out of the doom and gloom. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back on track. It's nearly the weekend and there's nothing better than a relaxing couple of days in the sun. We have a friend popping in for a visit on Saturday which should be a laugh. He's over from UK and is an old school friend - I say old because he's much older than I am !! Be good to kick back with a few wines on Sat evening and laugh about stuff. I think a few friends over for a BBQ is in order. (if they dare !!) haha.... and if I feel like crap, I'll take myself away to a quiet spot and let them enjoy my lovely fiancée's company. What more could they want !!

Day27....