99 dreams I have had……...In every one a red balloon……..

Day 99 of chemo today..... wow how time flies when you're having fun hey !!! 28th January 2012 was Day 1 .... now 98 days later I have results saying things are looking ok.... (I hope)
It's hard to stay positive when there has been let downs in the past. I mean.... I was so positive with the preliminary tests in the beginning. I didn't have cancer, that was impossible. Not me .... so now I'm positive, but hesitant to "jinx" it in case I have to find more energy to fight through another set back..... But... if I do.... I will !! Just don't jinx it.
The past couple of weeks have actually been relatively good. I've been enjoying work, been distracted by the focus of my job. It's the time of the year I get to do planning, budgeting and real strategy stuff.  I'm still not sure what the opinion at work is of my performance. They have been really amazing and patient with me. Allowing me to work around my feelings and appointments. I've tried to be honest and have made sure I've put in the hours etc. But you never really know whether it's enough.....The distraction from my health has been good for me. I've enjoyed it. I felt like I did working before diagnosis.
And then there has been the past 24 hours..... Zometa, Thalidomide, Cycloblastin & Dexamethasone all in 24 hours (as well as the daily antidepressants, aspirin to keep my blood thinner, muti-vitamin, heartburn tablet and calcium supplement)...... and until around 1pm today I wasn't too bad..... and then it hit me - POW!!!
I was out for a beautiful afternoon tea the The Duxton with some girlfriends..... and it started to get worse and worse.... jaw clenching... sweats... shakes (ohhh the shakes)...... loss of focus..... I think I did ok for the first hour but after that, I went downhill as fast as Ingemar Stenmark  !!
I had to make a fairly quick exit - say thanks and goodbyes and head home..... where I crashed !! I was wiped out as quickly as the little afternoon tea scones and finger sandwiches that were devoured only an hour earlier !! Which by the way were absolutely divine !!
And of course.... with a stint on the Dexa's comes that spending issue too.... GULP !!! I'd like to say that it's been under control, but today really made up for all the other little bits that have been creeping into the house via eBay, amazon etc etc..... A New Car !!! OMG - and I am soooo excited. OK so it's not brand new or anything stupid, but I'm still excited. Firstly I test drove an Audi A3 - but it just underwhelmed me.... a little disappointing. It was probably a great car, perfect for what we needed, a good price (yawn), practical, fitted the dogs in the boot, zippy and all that..... but it was just a car. It was boring (and it had scratched on the doors and no bluetooth !! Helloooo what car doesn't have bluetooth these days????)
So we drove up the road to a BMW dealership and had a look at an X3. It's got a few KM's on the clock, but drove beautifully, looks good and has all the extra's I was looking for ..... and it felt GOOD to drive. It had that something special about sitting in it.... that feeling..... it was nice. We got a good trade-in price for my old car so did the deal there and then. Now all I have to do is wait until Monday to go and pick it up !! Wahooo..... Now before you criticise the buying of a new car... we needed it. It was a decision that has been a few months in the making due to the fact that we have a 10 month old puppy that has grown into King Kong! The back seat of a sedan is no place for such bear.... yet alone two of them. So it's a practical decision, based on necessity. OK I'm now convinced... are you?? See it doesn't take long <insert cheeky grin & wink here>
Next week is another full-on work week. It's planning week with all of our Regional Managers in town from the overseas offices. Ordinarily a really good week. A lot of work and discussions followed by a bit of a laugh (assuming there's no bollocks to bust) and some dinners and drinking. I'm pretty sure this week will be no different, but the way I'm feeling may affect how my week pans out. Early start and late finishes are more of a struggle these days.

I'll also officially become an Aussie this week !! I have my citizenship ceremony on Thursday!! Only 23 years in the making...... I'm going to pledge allegiance to the Queen and give up my pommy vote for an Aussie one. I'll be able to vote for the first time in my life (at the age of 42 !!) how exciting ! I can't wait for the next election to actually have an opinion...... ha !!

Mum has also had a full on week - radiation this past week every day..... hopefully it will have helped and made some difference. She is still in hospital. She doesn't want to be released home until we know she's good to go. And there are still a few obstacles to get through before that time. We chatted today and it was nice to talk. I hope she wasn't putting on a positive, cheery voice just to try and convince me.... if she did it probably worked, because I thought she sounded good. We had tried to Skype but the connection was crap so we had to make do with a phone call. No visual !! One of the things you do when you are so far apart is always try to sound cheery so that the other side won't worry !! I've tried to be honest with mum because I think she has some idea of what I'm going through. Albeit different, she know's the feelings and the internal thoughts that run through your head constantly. So mum if you are reading this and really feel like shit, please tell me. I'd rather know. You have my blog to know when things are tough.....

Well, it's now close to 2am and although I still don't feel sleepy, I think I should give the pillow a good try and get some shuteye. I'll leave you with one last pic of a little splurge I made just prior to the car purchase.... Dirk, I hope you don't mind !! Love you baby !! I just couldn't resist and mum really liked them too.....

Ribbon For Bladder Cancer

I've also been on the cancer fundraising website and found some Multiple Myeloma ribbons etc. Just in case anyone is interested - they also have ones specifically for Bladder cancer (which is what mum has) Click here for a look.....

Oh yes and one last another thing !! I'm doing a fundraising morning tea at work for cancer (am I becoming one of those annoying types??) I figured a few cupcakes for morning tea would be a good thing. And if people wanted to donate to a worthy cause then why not..... if you can't make it you can still donate .... yes? click here....

OK that definitely it for the night...... I'm off to sleep now..... night night xxxxx

Gonna take your mama out all night ……...Yeah we'll show her what it's all about………...We'll get her jacked up on some cheap champagne……….. We'll let the good times all roll out..........

Dad's B'day Pressie
Printed onto Canvas #1

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD !!! I hope your day has been ok. It was great to see you open your pressie on Skype :-) hope you liked it !! Love you LOADS xxxx

My week so far has been pretty good. I think the news of the Kappa results have lifted my spirits slightly. Every time I think about it I get a slight grin spread across my face. A kind of proud one.... it's like .... I'm doing it.... I'm beating it !!! ha !!! I'm still slightly nervous that there's been some mistake though. I really need to talk to Dr Ben. I need confirmation that it's all true. I also realised tonight that I'm going to run out of Cycloblastin before I see him again, so will have to call his rooms tomorrow and see if he can get a script to me before next week.
Even though it's been a better than average week so far (and I guess it's only Tuesday !) I have been plagued with the same 'drugged up to the eyeballs' feelings. I've been beginning to wish for just one day of feeling 'normal' .... one day of how I used to feel three months ago before I knew any better..... there is absolutely no escape from the drugs. You never get a break from them. Even on a good day, it's not that you don't feel the drugs.... just that they aren't making you feel like either a zombie, a psychopath with a bad period or an emotional emo who just lost their last razor blade !!!

#2

I've thrown myself into work. And I have a crazy couple of weeks ahead too. Hopefully the good feelings will last. I start back on Dexamethsone again tomorrow..... and I have a management meeting in the morning, a client workshop in the afternoon then a staff dinner tomorrow night !!! The last thing I need is any of the above mentioned mood/personalities surfacing whilst in public !! I also have to go back to the cancer clinic on Friday morning for another Zometa infusion. I'll have to watch myself on Friday with that one........ I'll keep you posted !!

Part of wanting to get back to normal is also being able to get back to normal at work too. It's end of financial year time for us (well end of June) and we are starting to work towards the next FY. Budgets, planning... all the stuff I enjoy. It's hard knowing that I'm going to miss a chunk of the year, but not knowing exactly how much. This is the part of my job I really like. But when you don't know from one day to the next how you're going to feel, it's hard. And at times I also get a bit of "chemo brain" and go a bit vague and forgetful too ! Not a good look !! I still struggle more in the mornings. Dirk has been tasked with waking me up with a coffee at  least two hours before I'm due at work to give me a chance to come around !! Next week is even busier with all of the regional managers in Perth for a HQ conference. I can't miss that !!! At least we have Broome to look forward to after that's all over. Sun, swimming, relaxing, spa, massage, room service....... paradise. I can't wait.

#3

But above everything, all I wish for at the moment is for mum to start feeling better. I wish for her to get well enough to go home (from hospital). I'm pretty sure that she's wishing for the same thing. And I'm also sure that she's sick of being sick. It's going to be one hell of a party when we all get together at the wedding !! 

So not a massive blog entry tonight, but it's now 12:30am and I have to be up in a few hours. Big day tomorrow so I'm going to sign off. Next blog will be post-dexa days. Hopefully not too bad, but I can't make any promises. 

On a final note, thanks to all that have sent messages, emails and txt messages. Sorry if I don't always respond. But I love receiving them so please don't stop. I will keep writing what I think & feel, so don't worry...... it's all good xxxx

Non, rien de rien….. Non, je ne regrette rien……..Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait…….Ni le mal; tout ça m'est bien égal !

I've discovered that one of the hardest things to deal with writing a blog, is realising that people actually read it !! And then have an opinion about it. And then choose to share those opinions too....... So what do you do? Stop sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings ?.... stop writing in case someone needs to "discuss" your meanderings ....or do you carry on writing regardless ? I mean, I've chosen to put it out there.... it's now in the "public domain" for comment, so it's not like I really have a choice anymore. If I wanted to remain private I wouldn't have started a blog.... would I? But I'm not sure I'm up to the scrutiny of analysing what I've written once it's out there. I don't write.... sit on it.... edit it.... go back to it the next day and re-read.... then publish it. I just write and then press "publish" done !! If there's a comment about it, sometimes I have to go back and read it again to remember what state of mind I was in when I was writing.
Now I'm also in the dilemma of having to think about what I write before writing in case it will cause comment.... something I didn't want to have to do. I'd rather just write and be done with it. Maybe I should just write a diary.... but not publish it. At least that way I'll get to write exactly what I really think !! The "un-edited" version. I'm being selfish when I say that this blog really is all about me. I've found it very cathartic writing down my feelings and seeing where I get to by the end of the blog. It's like when I used to write a diary when I was a teenager. I had a message at the front of my diary saying "if you read this diary it's your fault. You may read something you don't like.... " I feel the same about this blog. If you read it, then it's up to you. But don't question the author.... as I've said from the beginning, it's my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes written at 2am in the morning, drugged, tired, wired, depressed, happy, sad, emotional..... I cannot be held responsible for the content.

It's been a tough couple of days (post Dexmethasone) Thursday saw the shakes return for a few hours - a good look in a management meeting at work !! (NOT) then complete tiredness take over me. And pretty much the same feeling all day today too.(Friday as I write this part) Along with the feeling of flu (and diarrhoea and tummy ache too) Home to wrap up in a blanket and sleep for a few hours until I could manage to stay awake to watch my footy team win !! YAY - go The Blues !!

I went to see Dr Ben on Tuesday evening. All was OK but he didn't have all of my blood test results. He said to call Thursday - which I did, but they still weren't available. So I emailed today to see if they were back. The receptionist responded with the results which I track - Kappa reading from the "Serum Free Light Chain Test". Last time I had one it was 144..... When I was first diagnosed my Kappa reading was 402. (Normal range is 3.3 - 17.9) It has been progressively dropping each blood test ..... and then I got the latest results. 29.3 !!! Holy Fuck !!! 29.3 !!! A-MAY-ZING!!!!  This is so close to being within normal range..... But the fact that I can't talk to my Dr about it until my next appointment is a little frustrating. There is such a massive change I'm not sure wether to believe it. Pretty happy about it though :-) I still believe I am going to beat this shit.
I had arranged to meet an old friend on Monday for a catch up. I bumped into him one day and after a quick chat he told me he'd been through everything that I was about to embark on. We've been trying to hook up for coffee ever since. Monday was the day we were finally meeting. But his txt said that his cancer has come back and he had to cancel. This is such devastating news. And I feel so angry for him. Such a shit disease......  I wish him all the strength and determination in the world to get through it.

It's Saturday now.... I slept until 11am !! and I feel better for the BIG sleep. I'm now sitting in PJ's watching Chicago Hope. I woke at 8am, cold, because the doona had been stolen from me. When I turned over, Dirk and Maverick were lying together "spooning" wrapped "romantically(?)" in my doona !!! Something not quite right about that..... May have to have a little "talk" later !!

At last ……. my love has come along …...my lonely days over …….and life is like a song …..

This entry is a personal one for me..... one that I wouldn't probably have shared normally. But as I'm sharing pretty much everything these days I've decided to post it.....

One thing about being diagnosed with cancer is the friendships you have. There are people in your life that either come into focus more, step back into your life after maybe being away for a while or those friends that simply fade away into the background. It can be for whatever reason. Maybe they don't connect with you anymore, maybe they want to connect back with you after being absent for a while, be there for you. Or maybe cancer is just too scary and they have to take a step back. But for those that do decide for whatever reason to fade into the background. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going out running after these people and trying to get them to stick around in my life..... if they have chosen not to be there, that's fine. I'm good with it. I see it as part of life and friendships when these things happen. Having cancer certainly puts friendships into perspective more. It makes you realise what's more important and who is important.

Life really is a journey of discovery and learning. We take things from different people and situations in our lives, each and every one of us has a different view on things and gets different learnings from the same situations. People can offer lots to one person but nothing to another. It really depends what we need to learn from them. Or where we are at in our lives. My journey is also one of discovery and learnings. Friendships are fragile or strong. There are so many people reaching out to me at the moment. It can be quite overwhelming. And then there are those that have fallen away..... Reason... Season .... Lifetime.... I've quoted it before so I won't go into it again. But I truly do believe this poem is true. It's all about our own personal journeys and what we need to learn from them, for our lives, going forward to become a better person. I hope in some ways that I've provided the odd insight and lesson or learning for another. I guess we'll never know what people take from us....

It can be hard when the friendships span across more than one of you. Like if they become friends with both Dirk & I. What do you do if the connection is there with one but not the other? Maybe one of us still has learnings but the other one doesn't. How do you manage that friend from a couple's perspective? Does it now become more of a one on one friendship instead of trying to constantly commit to couple hook ups that one doesn't have the time or energy for? A small dilemma..... I for one have no problem letting go of people that no longer have anything to offer me. But what if the people around me want to hang on to the friendship ... not only for themselves but they want the couple connection to continue too? Do I suck it up for my partner and say ok. Or do I simply say no, you just go and do your thing with this person, I have nothing more to gain from them or offer to them....? It's a hard one.

Maybe I need to put my close relationships above all others. What is important to my closest friends is also part of my journey. This person may not have anything to offer to me, but it's important that they are still connected to our lives as it will reflect on the ones I love if I disconnect now. So there are still learnings and journeys to discover. I guess it's not always a selfish decision about these things. As the friendship will ultimately help my closest friend which in hindsight will then help me.

So this is where I have come to by writing this. I've realised
that I'm not just me anymore.... alone... single... I now have a connection with someone else that also affects how I live my life. How I am supported by the ones I love is more important to me every day. They are my family, my strength when times are tough and my soul mates..... and I also believe we have more than one soul mate in our lives. They are here for all sorts of different reasons. For the  different learnings we need in life. These are the "lifetime" friends. The ones with that special connection that is just there. Sometimes the connection is visible when you first meet them.... other times it takes a while to shine through and grows over time.....

I walk into an empty room…..And suddenly my heart goes boom…….It's an orchestra of angels…….And they're playing with my heart…….

OK... OK..... it's here.... stop with the whinging about the next blog entry !! I was waiting until after the do/soiree so I had something to talk about !!

"At least the weather has held out"

..... and what a night.... we LOVED it. Had a fabulous time and enjoyed every moment. It started off with a very busy Saturday. Dirk was up early with friend Hughy to prepare the backyard and move furniture etc. Saturday for me was the start of Cycle5 (15 weeks in already) so I popped all my pills and rattled around while I got ready. I had a 10 am hair appointment (tough I know) but booked 6 weeks ago (before the engagement party was booked in) a girl can't go into the evening with scraggy looking hair !!

"Erm.. look behind you Dirk"

My hairdresser was a little concerned as my hair is getting very fragile and thin :-( so she went gentle on the bleach !! For those of you that thought I was a natural blonde.... oh shit... my secret is out !!! haha

So once that was done, I nipped to the shops for some last minute bits and bobs and to pick up the cakes..... then back home to finish the setting up. Dirk had done a great job putting all the lights around the garden and in the trees. He'd cleaned the whole area and then went to get the booze.

and then the heavens opened...

Then it was time to get ready.... put my frock on, a bit of war paint. As we were lighting the candles on the deck, Dirk commented that we'd been lucky with the weather holding out and at least it hadn't rained !!! DERRR!!! I told him to look behind him.... it was too late... jinxed. And then as people started to arrive the heavens opened !!! Fortunately it only rained for an hour. Nobody seemed to phased by it and within the hour the house was filling up and the noise levels were building. We had bar staff and catering staff working so Dirk & I didn't have to worry about a thing.
It was so good to be able to see all of our friends. Some we hadn't seen for a while. The buzz was just amazing and happy and I struggled to stay and speak to anyone for longer than a few minutes before having to move to the next group.

The food came out from 7.30pm and it was absolutely fantastic. I think everyone liked it. And I hope there was enough to go around.
 Tapas Frittata, Italian chorizo, marinated olives, garlic mushrooms, grissini

 Wild Mushroom Arancini + w sticky tomato relish
 Peking duck, mandarin pancake, cucumber, spring onion + hoi sin 
 Crisp pork belly, pomme puree, Asian caramel
 Blue swimmer crab w lemon parsley + chilli
 White-cooked chicken rice paper rolls + hoi sin sauce 
 Siamese Kedah Chicken A fragrant lemongrass & galangal curry 

The Candy Bar

The drugs had well and truly kicked in by this time. I was ignoring all feelings and taking lots of champagne to forget about it all ..... I figured I'd worry about the side effects on Sunday.

And so the night flew by.... music... laughter.... bubbles..... I can't remember a time when I wasn't talking, singing or drinking !! Dirk ended up making a quick speech - thanking everyone for coming along and letting everyone know that we were determined to get through this year so we can focus on our future (sounds like a plan to me) He is just gorgeous.
At around 10pm ish there seemed to be a slight shift in the mood for the night.... a few drinks had kicked in and I could see some glazed looks in the eyes of my girlfriends. One hint that that things were taking a turn was the news that driving home was now not an option and they were going to worry about cars tomorrow.... haha... I love this !!
The music got cranked up and the dining room got transformed into the dance floor !!
Note to self.... order more champagne next time..... we ran out at about 10:30pm. I had thought that 24 bottles would have been enough, but it was obviously the drink of choice so will have to remember that for the wedding.
All in all we had 70 of our nearest and dearest friends. Our lovely neighbours also joined us as well as some very special friends from Bunbury. Friends that have been a part of our lives from the past 20 years as well as friends that are a part of our lives right now. All of Dirk's family came and shared the celebrations too. These people are so special to us both.
I missed not having my family around (obviously) but I made sure that I had a champers on their behalf.... maybe another reason that we ran out !!!

Our local celebrity attracted photo
opportunities for our guests!

I was also overwhelmed by the presents that people bought for us. Such gorgeous gifts and not one that we wouldn't use or like. We certainly have friends with good taste.

So after a night of singing, dancing and drinking, it was 4:30am before I managed to take my night time Thalidomide and take off to bed.... Things were a little hazy by this time. I had also opened my favourite bottle of Henschke to top off the night (not sure I was really appreciating it by this time but I thought it was a good idea at the time) I made a drunken attempt to call mum in hospital in UK and my brother (out to dinner with friends) and warned my friend who was not driving home, that I had 1/2 hour before the effects of the Thalidomide would take me out of our conversation and off to bed. Bang on time I was in bed 30 minutes later... Dirk said I was snoring, but I think not !! I don't snore !!!

And so to Sunday and the clean up..... Dirk was up at 8am ( I missed that wake up call) and started to clean up the outside bottles and area. Luckily the bar staff and kitchen staff had done an amazing job so we didn't have to do too much. Just what was left over from 11pm onwards. All the glasses had been washed and the kitchen was spotless. I managed to rise and shine around 10am. First thing to do was have a coffee !! Some Vegemite on toast and more pills. (Dexamethasone) Then water, water, water. I needed to flush out my liver and re-hydrate. By midday Dirk and I had done pretty much most of the clean up and we were beginning to flag a little (Dirk especially) We dropped off a friends car to her place and returned home to relax. We spent a couple of hours opening our gifts (fantastic as I said before) and I watched some telly while Dirk went and had a sleep.

Lasagna for tea - we needed some comfort food ! and then as quickly as it started the weekend was over..... sigh......

Monday was upon us far too quickly... I struggled a little Monday morning getting up. Managed it into work full of pills again by 10am (ish) I had forgotten that my appointment this week with Dr Ben was on Tuesday so had to rush in to get my bloods done - which I should have done Friday. Managed to get through the day without a hitch and was actually the last one to leave after 6pm in the evening. When I got home, Dirk had tea started and a glass with ice ready for a vino for me. I quickly declined, but after seeing the glass waiting.... succumbed to just a little one (so weak) I know I've said it.... but he truly is amazing. Dirk was shattered and took off to bed pretty early last night. I didn't get to bed until around 1am..... another drug effect. Even though I was exhausted, I just couldn't unwind and feel sleepy. The Thalidomide usually helps, but until I actually fall asleep sometimes it's hard to actually reach that sleepy place.

We have a public holiday tomorrow. ANZAC day in honour of all the diggers and Australian & NZ veterans that have fought in wars over the years. It's a great public holiday and Aussie's get very patriotic. I like the spirit. Something that we pommy's don't quite do as well in UK.

I'm working from home today so I can rest in between working a little easier. I also get t get more work done without as many interruptions. I have a mound of work to do so hopefully will get through it without having to work tomorrow.
I'm hoping to be able to catch up with a phone call to mum later. Then it's my brother's birthday tomorrow so will try and contact him at some point too. I think he's in London working so will attempt to call throughout the day. If I'm lucky, his present will have arrived at his house for when he gets home on Thursday. Hope you like it Jim !!
Now that all the fun and games are over it's back to the daily grind. We have a getaway to look forward to. Can't wait for that.
I have some pretty big work weeks ahead, so will have to play it by ear on that one. My biggest worry is the early morning starts. They are pretty tough for me. We have a week of regional mangers coming into HQ at work. Hopefully I won't have to present too much as I'm not sure how I'll go.
I'm good at faking it for the odd day or two but a whole week could be an issue. People tell me every day how well I look. It's really nice to hear. But sometimes I just want to say "fuck off I feel like shite"  ...... but if I'm trying to fake it and convince everyone I'm ok then how would they know?.... you just can't win can you !!!

And you wanted to dance so I asked you to dance...... But fear is in your soul........... Some people call it a one night stand .........But we can call it paradise.........

OK..... I have some questions.....

Why... when you're about to have an important evening (i.e. an engagement party) do you break out in zits all over your face? Especially when you haven't had a zit for about 15 years !!
and why.... do I feel like I have flu coming on after I've eaten a meal?
and why.... can't my mum start getting better instead of worse?
and why... does every word or phrase these days start with a #hashtag?

These questions and more have been plaguing me this week.... I can't believe I've had a breakout. WTF is that about? If mum was here, she'd say it was stress (or hormones) .... but I'm not under any more stress than normal.... not really..... (my hormones are probably all over the place so maybe that's it) Lucky we have make-up - cause I'm going to need it on Saturday night !!
The food thing is a weird one. Lately, after I've eaten, I feel like I have flu coming on. Especially in the mornings after breakfast and after evening meals.  I feel weak and like I have the chills. I need to lie down and get warm, then after about an hour I feel ok again. Daytime isn't as bad.

After four days on the Dexamethsone (Last Wed through to Sat) the coming down this week was pretty bad. I managed to work through most of it. Monday I struggled through the day until about 2pm then headed home and crashed. I ended up working until midnight, but that was OK as I'd had a sleep in the afternoon. Tuesday wasn't much better. But the meetings at work were a bit of a struggle. Especially as they were back to back from 10am through until 3pm without a break !! As I've said before.... lots of notes !! Wednesday (today) sick day ..... I needed to catch up. I slept until midday. After a shower and some lunch I finally started to feel ok again. So I now have two days left before I start the next cycle and it starts all over again. Starting Cycle 5 on Saturday means all pills on Saturday..... going on past experience,  it should be OK. Sunday will probably be worse that Saturday.... if Saturday night goes well I won't care by then.

Everything is ready for the party.... I think !! Caterers booked, bar staff booked, tables organised, booze ordered, lights and candles sorted. We should be ready to go. Music should be fine, we'll just put a playlist on. And seeing as we are not the traditional type, there'll be no speeches, just friends, beer, wine, bubbles and hopefully lots of laughs.

I've also asked my sister if she will join me for my wedding. I realised it wouldn't be the same without her on the day. So now I'll have my two besties and my sis by my side on the day. Perfect !! I'm pretty sure she'll be a lot nicer to me than I was to her for her day....but that's another story.... probably one that's best left un-written !!! I will write more after the party on Saturday evening.... but for now, it's 1am and time for some sleep..... short and sweet.....
night night ........

I feel fine and I feel good...... I'm feeling like I never should .......Whenever I get this way I just don't know what to say ..........Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday...........

It's been a bit of a crappy week so far.... but not because of me. Unfortunately mum has had another setback. No matter how much you stay positive and convinced all is going to be ok, it's bloody tough waiting for the phone calls and updates. Never really knowing if all the news is coming through or if it's the edited version !! One thing I've learned is that bad news across the phone is one of the hardest things to deal with...... Mum has now lost one of her kidney's and has had to go on  a bypass for a while to get the other kidney back into shape and working again. Not a great situation but something that has to be done to get her better. But my god.... if there is someone out there that is strong, it's my mum !! She is amazing, her journey has been going for a lot longer than mine, but she has never once let it get the better of her. It must be where I get my strength from !! Mum, everything I've learned about being strong and staying positive, I've learned from you and dad..... We will get through all this together and celebrate as a family at a large event in the near future !! I love you both more than anything xxxxxxx (now stop leaking and read on.... it's all about me here !!)


My week? ..... drug induced, more pricks (of the needle variety - well mostly!!) and work filled..... Nothing much different really. I had a feeling I was beginning to understand the drug cycle of my chemo a bit more..... but then I'm not so sure. I think I know the signs.... but the goalposts keep changing. Some days I'm tired, others not so much. Somedays I feel fine for a few hours then fall in a heap by the end of the day. Then lie awake until 2am.... I think I've worked out that the Dexa makes me online shop !! (secretly I LOVE that !!) This week it's been a new doona/quilt for winter, new sheets and a new bag !! faaaabulous....Mornings are still the hardest. I find it almost impossible to start my day before 8am. I wake up groggy and puffy eyed (very attractive I might add - for those of you who know my morning state of affairs ... hair styles.... manner etc you will appreciate how extra grogginess and puffy eyes can only enhance that delightful morning Vixen style) 


I think I'm staying on top of my work. Hopefully people aren't bitching behind my back that I'm not doing a good job.I'm pretty sure they bitch behind my back a lot, but not because of any drugs I'm taking !!.... I'd rather know than not. At least to be aware of where I'm slipping. I'm making an inordinate number of lists and notes these days to try and keep on top of what I have to do. I don't really stop working at any time. If I have a break in the day, I'm still working into the night....I actually seem to get more done working from home at the moment. Solid hours sitting in my pj's at the computer is not as bad as I thought it would be. I'm not just saying all this either... I really love my job. It's challenging, different every day and I like the variety of my work. I love the industry and technology and love the company I work for. Not many people can say that... so I think I'm pretty lucky.The chemo really makes you forget things though. Even from one meeting to the next I can forget what the topics of conversation were about...... but maybe that's my age and nothing to do with the drugs at all !!! As I said.... lots of notes and highlighter pen.


I did another stupid thing today ... another sugar overload !! OMG it was just ridiculous..... what was I thinking. The Cyclo & Deza together really messes with your tastebuds...... and I mean BIG time messes. Nothing you eat tastes like anything. So I was trying to find something to zap my buds into a frenzy and satisfy me. Instead of feeling like I was eating a plate of tissues. So after a piece of homemade pizza I thought I'd try the sticky date pudding left over from last Sunday. Now last week I wasn't on the Dexa (just the Cyclo) so I managed to get some flavour into my mouth before it disappeared. This week...... not so much !!! But I managed to overdose enough to blow out my little stomach pouch and get a sugar rush without tasting a thing !! blluurrgghhhhhh what a waster of a sugar high !!! It was shitty.... feeling sick but without any of the sugary satisfaction. Like I said... a complete waste of sugar !!!

And the other thing we did today was look for a new car. It is getting to the point now that we can't take the dogs anywhere as we don't have a car that fits all of us in. I'd seen a car online yesterday (Friday) and enquired about it. I mentioned that we'd go and have a look at it this morning, but when we got there it was sold !! He'd sold it yesterday but failed to mention that on the phone.... bloody car salesman !! I was so angry. Don't mess with a girl on drugs !! He tried to show us other cars but I wasn't interested. On our way out we stopped at the Audi dealership and Dirk saw a nice A3 Hatch which could work. So maybe we'll change our search and see about test driving one of these.....

Miss T & Mr Q

Cake & Candles

And then it was off to our god-daughter's (Miss T) 6th birthday bash at the park. She is just beautiful and we love her. Unfortunately the party side was cancelled due to a sick filled week for Miss T's mum with Mr Q, so it was just god-parents today, but we had a great catch up and a bit of a play. A few girly giggles and chats. (with mum and god-mum to Mr Q)The boys talked non-stop sport (cricket, bowling - lawn bowls (wtf?) and footy) and we talked everything else.(shopping, sex, men, and stuff) The kids ran around and played, the sun shone, it was relaxing and fun.....


On the way home we stopped at the shops to grab a birthday pressy for an upcoming family member's birthday ;-) Got home to watch a very bad, boring and scrappy Fremantle vs Brisbane game of footy on the telly and promptly fell asleep for a couple of hours. Watched a bit more of our current TV show (Fringe) and that brings me to now.... 1:50am Sunday morning. Time for more sleep now I think. Tomorrow is washing and a few bits and bobs to do in preparation for next weekend's engagement party. I can feel a couple of trips to Bunnings on the cards for tomorrow..... but what's a weekend without a trip to Bunnings??