Non, rien de rien….. Non, je ne regrette rien……..Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait…….Ni le mal; tout ça m'est bien égal !

I've discovered that one of the hardest things to deal with writing a blog, is realising that people actually read it !! And then have an opinion about it. And then choose to share those opinions too....... So what do you do? Stop sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings ?.... stop writing in case someone needs to "discuss" your meanderings ....or do you carry on writing regardless ? I mean, I've chosen to put it out there.... it's now in the "public domain" for comment, so it's not like I really have a choice anymore. If I wanted to remain private I wouldn't have started a blog.... would I? But I'm not sure I'm up to the scrutiny of analysing what I've written once it's out there. I don't write.... sit on it.... edit it.... go back to it the next day and re-read.... then publish it. I just write and then press "publish" done !! If there's a comment about it, sometimes I have to go back and read it again to remember what state of mind I was in when I was writing.
Now I'm also in the dilemma of having to think about what I write before writing in case it will cause comment.... something I didn't want to have to do. I'd rather just write and be done with it. Maybe I should just write a diary.... but not publish it. At least that way I'll get to write exactly what I really think !! The "un-edited" version. I'm being selfish when I say that this blog really is all about me. I've found it very cathartic writing down my feelings and seeing where I get to by the end of the blog. It's like when I used to write a diary when I was a teenager. I had a message at the front of my diary saying "if you read this diary it's your fault. You may read something you don't like.... " I feel the same about this blog. If you read it, then it's up to you. But don't question the author.... as I've said from the beginning, it's my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes written at 2am in the morning, drugged, tired, wired, depressed, happy, sad, emotional..... I cannot be held responsible for the content.

It's been a tough couple of days (post Dexmethasone) Thursday saw the shakes return for a few hours - a good look in a management meeting at work !! (NOT) then complete tiredness take over me. And pretty much the same feeling all day today too.(Friday as I write this part) Along with the feeling of flu (and diarrhoea and tummy ache too) Home to wrap up in a blanket and sleep for a few hours until I could manage to stay awake to watch my footy team win !! YAY - go The Blues !!

I went to see Dr Ben on Tuesday evening. All was OK but he didn't have all of my blood test results. He said to call Thursday - which I did, but they still weren't available. So I emailed today to see if they were back. The receptionist responded with the results which I track - Kappa reading from the "Serum Free Light Chain Test". Last time I had one it was 144..... When I was first diagnosed my Kappa reading was 402. (Normal range is 3.3 - 17.9) It has been progressively dropping each blood test ..... and then I got the latest results. 29.3 !!! Holy Fuck !!! 29.3 !!! A-MAY-ZING!!!!  This is so close to being within normal range..... But the fact that I can't talk to my Dr about it until my next appointment is a little frustrating. There is such a massive change I'm not sure wether to believe it. Pretty happy about it though :-) I still believe I am going to beat this shit.
I had arranged to meet an old friend on Monday for a catch up. I bumped into him one day and after a quick chat he told me he'd been through everything that I was about to embark on. We've been trying to hook up for coffee ever since. Monday was the day we were finally meeting. But his txt said that his cancer has come back and he had to cancel. This is such devastating news. And I feel so angry for him. Such a shit disease......  I wish him all the strength and determination in the world to get through it.

It's Saturday now.... I slept until 11am !! and I feel better for the BIG sleep. I'm now sitting in PJ's watching Chicago Hope. I woke at 8am, cold, because the doona had been stolen from me. When I turned over, Dirk and Maverick were lying together "spooning" wrapped "romantically(?)" in my doona !!! Something not quite right about that..... May have to have a little "talk" later !!

At last ……. my love has come along …...my lonely days over …….and life is like a song …..

This entry is a personal one for me..... one that I wouldn't probably have shared normally. But as I'm sharing pretty much everything these days I've decided to post it.....

One thing about being diagnosed with cancer is the friendships you have. There are people in your life that either come into focus more, step back into your life after maybe being away for a while or those friends that simply fade away into the background. It can be for whatever reason. Maybe they don't connect with you anymore, maybe they want to connect back with you after being absent for a while, be there for you. Or maybe cancer is just too scary and they have to take a step back. But for those that do decide for whatever reason to fade into the background. There's nothing I can do about it. I'm not going out running after these people and trying to get them to stick around in my life..... if they have chosen not to be there, that's fine. I'm good with it. I see it as part of life and friendships when these things happen. Having cancer certainly puts friendships into perspective more. It makes you realise what's more important and who is important.

Life really is a journey of discovery and learning. We take things from different people and situations in our lives, each and every one of us has a different view on things and gets different learnings from the same situations. People can offer lots to one person but nothing to another. It really depends what we need to learn from them. Or where we are at in our lives. My journey is also one of discovery and learnings. Friendships are fragile or strong. There are so many people reaching out to me at the moment. It can be quite overwhelming. And then there are those that have fallen away..... Reason... Season .... Lifetime.... I've quoted it before so I won't go into it again. But I truly do believe this poem is true. It's all about our own personal journeys and what we need to learn from them, for our lives, going forward to become a better person. I hope in some ways that I've provided the odd insight and lesson or learning for another. I guess we'll never know what people take from us....

It can be hard when the friendships span across more than one of you. Like if they become friends with both Dirk & I. What do you do if the connection is there with one but not the other? Maybe one of us still has learnings but the other one doesn't. How do you manage that friend from a couple's perspective? Does it now become more of a one on one friendship instead of trying to constantly commit to couple hook ups that one doesn't have the time or energy for? A small dilemma..... I for one have no problem letting go of people that no longer have anything to offer me. But what if the people around me want to hang on to the friendship ... not only for themselves but they want the couple connection to continue too? Do I suck it up for my partner and say ok. Or do I simply say no, you just go and do your thing with this person, I have nothing more to gain from them or offer to them....? It's a hard one.

Maybe I need to put my close relationships above all others. What is important to my closest friends is also part of my journey. This person may not have anything to offer to me, but it's important that they are still connected to our lives as it will reflect on the ones I love if I disconnect now. So there are still learnings and journeys to discover. I guess it's not always a selfish decision about these things. As the friendship will ultimately help my closest friend which in hindsight will then help me.

So this is where I have come to by writing this. I've realised
that I'm not just me anymore.... alone... single... I now have a connection with someone else that also affects how I live my life. How I am supported by the ones I love is more important to me every day. They are my family, my strength when times are tough and my soul mates..... and I also believe we have more than one soul mate in our lives. They are here for all sorts of different reasons. For the  different learnings we need in life. These are the "lifetime" friends. The ones with that special connection that is just there. Sometimes the connection is visible when you first meet them.... other times it takes a while to shine through and grows over time.....

I walk into an empty room…..And suddenly my heart goes boom…….It's an orchestra of angels…….And they're playing with my heart…….

OK... OK..... it's here.... stop with the whinging about the next blog entry !! I was waiting until after the do/soiree so I had something to talk about !!

"At least the weather has held out"

..... and what a night.... we LOVED it. Had a fabulous time and enjoyed every moment. It started off with a very busy Saturday. Dirk was up early with friend Hughy to prepare the backyard and move furniture etc. Saturday for me was the start of Cycle5 (15 weeks in already) so I popped all my pills and rattled around while I got ready. I had a 10 am hair appointment (tough I know) but booked 6 weeks ago (before the engagement party was booked in) a girl can't go into the evening with scraggy looking hair !!

"Erm.. look behind you Dirk"

My hairdresser was a little concerned as my hair is getting very fragile and thin :-( so she went gentle on the bleach !! For those of you that thought I was a natural blonde.... oh shit... my secret is out !!! haha

So once that was done, I nipped to the shops for some last minute bits and bobs and to pick up the cakes..... then back home to finish the setting up. Dirk had done a great job putting all the lights around the garden and in the trees. He'd cleaned the whole area and then went to get the booze.

and then the heavens opened...

Then it was time to get ready.... put my frock on, a bit of war paint. As we were lighting the candles on the deck, Dirk commented that we'd been lucky with the weather holding out and at least it hadn't rained !!! DERRR!!! I told him to look behind him.... it was too late... jinxed. And then as people started to arrive the heavens opened !!! Fortunately it only rained for an hour. Nobody seemed to phased by it and within the hour the house was filling up and the noise levels were building. We had bar staff and catering staff working so Dirk & I didn't have to worry about a thing.
It was so good to be able to see all of our friends. Some we hadn't seen for a while. The buzz was just amazing and happy and I struggled to stay and speak to anyone for longer than a few minutes before having to move to the next group.

The food came out from 7.30pm and it was absolutely fantastic. I think everyone liked it. And I hope there was enough to go around.
 Tapas Frittata, Italian chorizo, marinated olives, garlic mushrooms, grissini

 Wild Mushroom Arancini + w sticky tomato relish
 Peking duck, mandarin pancake, cucumber, spring onion + hoi sin 
 Crisp pork belly, pomme puree, Asian caramel
 Blue swimmer crab w lemon parsley + chilli
 White-cooked chicken rice paper rolls + hoi sin sauce 
 Siamese Kedah Chicken A fragrant lemongrass & galangal curry 

The Candy Bar

The drugs had well and truly kicked in by this time. I was ignoring all feelings and taking lots of champagne to forget about it all ..... I figured I'd worry about the side effects on Sunday.

And so the night flew by.... music... laughter.... bubbles..... I can't remember a time when I wasn't talking, singing or drinking !! Dirk ended up making a quick speech - thanking everyone for coming along and letting everyone know that we were determined to get through this year so we can focus on our future (sounds like a plan to me) He is just gorgeous.
At around 10pm ish there seemed to be a slight shift in the mood for the night.... a few drinks had kicked in and I could see some glazed looks in the eyes of my girlfriends. One hint that that things were taking a turn was the news that driving home was now not an option and they were going to worry about cars tomorrow.... haha... I love this !!
The music got cranked up and the dining room got transformed into the dance floor !!
Note to self.... order more champagne next time..... we ran out at about 10:30pm. I had thought that 24 bottles would have been enough, but it was obviously the drink of choice so will have to remember that for the wedding.
All in all we had 70 of our nearest and dearest friends. Our lovely neighbours also joined us as well as some very special friends from Bunbury. Friends that have been a part of our lives from the past 20 years as well as friends that are a part of our lives right now. All of Dirk's family came and shared the celebrations too. These people are so special to us both.
I missed not having my family around (obviously) but I made sure that I had a champers on their behalf.... maybe another reason that we ran out !!!

Our local celebrity attracted photo
opportunities for our guests!

I was also overwhelmed by the presents that people bought for us. Such gorgeous gifts and not one that we wouldn't use or like. We certainly have friends with good taste.

So after a night of singing, dancing and drinking, it was 4:30am before I managed to take my night time Thalidomide and take off to bed.... Things were a little hazy by this time. I had also opened my favourite bottle of Henschke to top off the night (not sure I was really appreciating it by this time but I thought it was a good idea at the time) I made a drunken attempt to call mum in hospital in UK and my brother (out to dinner with friends) and warned my friend who was not driving home, that I had 1/2 hour before the effects of the Thalidomide would take me out of our conversation and off to bed. Bang on time I was in bed 30 minutes later... Dirk said I was snoring, but I think not !! I don't snore !!!

And so to Sunday and the clean up..... Dirk was up at 8am ( I missed that wake up call) and started to clean up the outside bottles and area. Luckily the bar staff and kitchen staff had done an amazing job so we didn't have to do too much. Just what was left over from 11pm onwards. All the glasses had been washed and the kitchen was spotless. I managed to rise and shine around 10am. First thing to do was have a coffee !! Some Vegemite on toast and more pills. (Dexamethasone) Then water, water, water. I needed to flush out my liver and re-hydrate. By midday Dirk and I had done pretty much most of the clean up and we were beginning to flag a little (Dirk especially) We dropped off a friends car to her place and returned home to relax. We spent a couple of hours opening our gifts (fantastic as I said before) and I watched some telly while Dirk went and had a sleep.

Lasagna for tea - we needed some comfort food ! and then as quickly as it started the weekend was over..... sigh......

Monday was upon us far too quickly... I struggled a little Monday morning getting up. Managed it into work full of pills again by 10am (ish) I had forgotten that my appointment this week with Dr Ben was on Tuesday so had to rush in to get my bloods done - which I should have done Friday. Managed to get through the day without a hitch and was actually the last one to leave after 6pm in the evening. When I got home, Dirk had tea started and a glass with ice ready for a vino for me. I quickly declined, but after seeing the glass waiting.... succumbed to just a little one (so weak) I know I've said it.... but he truly is amazing. Dirk was shattered and took off to bed pretty early last night. I didn't get to bed until around 1am..... another drug effect. Even though I was exhausted, I just couldn't unwind and feel sleepy. The Thalidomide usually helps, but until I actually fall asleep sometimes it's hard to actually reach that sleepy place.

We have a public holiday tomorrow. ANZAC day in honour of all the diggers and Australian & NZ veterans that have fought in wars over the years. It's a great public holiday and Aussie's get very patriotic. I like the spirit. Something that we pommy's don't quite do as well in UK.

I'm working from home today so I can rest in between working a little easier. I also get t get more work done without as many interruptions. I have a mound of work to do so hopefully will get through it without having to work tomorrow.
I'm hoping to be able to catch up with a phone call to mum later. Then it's my brother's birthday tomorrow so will try and contact him at some point too. I think he's in London working so will attempt to call throughout the day. If I'm lucky, his present will have arrived at his house for when he gets home on Thursday. Hope you like it Jim !!
Now that all the fun and games are over it's back to the daily grind. We have a getaway to look forward to. Can't wait for that.
I have some pretty big work weeks ahead, so will have to play it by ear on that one. My biggest worry is the early morning starts. They are pretty tough for me. We have a week of regional mangers coming into HQ at work. Hopefully I won't have to present too much as I'm not sure how I'll go.
I'm good at faking it for the odd day or two but a whole week could be an issue. People tell me every day how well I look. It's really nice to hear. But sometimes I just want to say "fuck off I feel like shite"  ...... but if I'm trying to fake it and convince everyone I'm ok then how would they know?.... you just can't win can you !!!