Last night was a lovely evening.... I sat outside watching the sunset, had a glass of vino and relaxed. Nic was out with her family as it was her mum's birthday and Dirk was at cricket training. So I had time to myself and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a while. I had time to catch up with my blog and time to ponder on things.... nothing morbid or sinister, just things. I enjoy doing that. Earlier in the morning, Dirk had asked me if sitting outside on our deck watching the world was one of my favourite places to be.... it most definitely is. I love it here. It's like when you're at a cafe by yourself and you get the chance to people watch. I took some pics around the garden for my 365 project and then played with them on the computer. Nothing too exciting, just nice....
Dirk got home around 7:30pm, he had a shower and came and sat with me. We chatted about our days and decided what we wanted for tea. I've been a bit bad lately. Usually it's me that decides what we're having, what time we're having it, if we need any shopping done etc etc..... but lately, I've been leaving it all up to him. Needless to say, take-away has been on the menu a little lately..... or eating out !! When you're taste buds are a shot, the last thing on my mind is what we're having for tea. We used to be thinking about tea at breakfast, but not any more. I can't even decide 5 minutes beforehand what I feel like. And at 8 pm at night, it's too late to take meat out to defrost then make something.....
Anyway.... we were sitting outside just chilling.... and then Dirk started to tell me about the call he made home to mum & dad to say thanks for his birthday present..... "nice of him" I thought. Then he went on to say how he'd had a chat to my dad...... and he paused. "oh shit" I thought, what now? Is dad ok? has something happened at home? what's happened now? I don't think I could handle any more news that things aren't ok..... but as it happened, all he had chatted to dad about was whether dad would mind if he asked me to marry him !!!!!!!
"and so.... Will you marry me?" I started to shake.... started to cry.... and said YES !!! of course !!! We both shed a small tear or two. I'm still shaking now thinking about it (or maybe it's still just the drugs !!) How am I supposed to concentrate with that hanging over my head !! I am so happy. So excited. ME !! Married !! OMG !!! hahaha OK now I'm just being all girly teenager about it.... but I'm allowed aren't I??
I have a nice bottle of Moët Nectar in the fridge. Might just have to open that later.... I've called my family and they all know - tears all around :-) and so now you all know too. Good news hey? the next question is when... where.... lots to think about. But I'm too happy to care about all that now.......
Friday 17 February 2012
Thursday 16 February 2012
Red Red Wine... stay close to me.....
Woozy factor today is about 50%.... shakes at about 30% Things are definitely on the up :-) But the best thing by far is my back pain.....or rather lack of it.... it is almost gone !! Yay !! Every day for the past week it's been getting better. But today I really feel like it's more of just a niggle than actual pain. Might go for a run to celebrate !! NOT!!
Bruising is now becoming more frequent. I've noticed that the slightest bang results in a grey mark on my skin. I lay back on my chair the other day and now I have a bruised back !! I'll just tell everyone that Dirk's been beating me.... lol !!
My friend & I have been pondering over whether you're allowed to use cancer to get better things .... like if we get a shitty table at a restaurant... can we say "Is there something better?, it's just that.... I have cancer !!" or "can you discount that? it's just that the chemo for my cancer is so expensive that I don't have much money left!!" ......Is that bad? I mean, I figured there has to be an upside to it all doesn't there? Do you get bad Karma for using it? Or is the cancer the bad Karma so it doesn't matter?
My besty leaves tomorrow and boy am I going to be sad. Having her around for the past week has been fantastic. She has been just the thing I've needed to keep me from going insane. Driving me around, listening to me crap on and just being a water nazi. I've got used to her being here now..... maybe I'll play the cancer card on her and tell her not to go "I've got cancer Nickers.... you can't leave !!!" hahaha
There are so many things I want to write, but knowing that people are reading this sometimes stops me. If it was a personal diary, I think I'd be a little more raw. But knowing that family, friends and maybe even work colleagues are reading this, it makes you think twice before writing. I've started so many sentences and then deleted because I've thought "oh shit, so-and-so will read this, I can't say that" and then sometimes I think what the fuck, I'll write it anyway. But I guess at the end of the day, it's MY blog so I'll damn well write what I want. And if anyone uses it against me..... watch out !!!
One thing I've noticed is that the chemo makes your wee smell funny......
Day18.....
Day19....
Bruising is now becoming more frequent. I've noticed that the slightest bang results in a grey mark on my skin. I lay back on my chair the other day and now I have a bruised back !! I'll just tell everyone that Dirk's been beating me.... lol !!
My friend & I have been pondering over whether you're allowed to use cancer to get better things .... like if we get a shitty table at a restaurant... can we say "Is there something better?, it's just that.... I have cancer !!" or "can you discount that? it's just that the chemo for my cancer is so expensive that I don't have much money left!!" ......Is that bad? I mean, I figured there has to be an upside to it all doesn't there? Do you get bad Karma for using it? Or is the cancer the bad Karma so it doesn't matter?
My besty leaves tomorrow and boy am I going to be sad. Having her around for the past week has been fantastic. She has been just the thing I've needed to keep me from going insane. Driving me around, listening to me crap on and just being a water nazi. I've got used to her being here now..... maybe I'll play the cancer card on her and tell her not to go "I've got cancer Nickers.... you can't leave !!!" hahaha
There are so many things I want to write, but knowing that people are reading this sometimes stops me. If it was a personal diary, I think I'd be a little more raw. But knowing that family, friends and maybe even work colleagues are reading this, it makes you think twice before writing. I've started so many sentences and then deleted because I've thought "oh shit, so-and-so will read this, I can't say that" and then sometimes I think what the fuck, I'll write it anyway. But I guess at the end of the day, it's MY blog so I'll damn well write what I want. And if anyone uses it against me..... watch out !!!
One thing I've noticed is that the chemo makes your wee smell funny......
Day18.....
Day19....
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Go, go, go, Shawty..... Cause it's your birthday..... We gonna party like it's yo birthday......
Probably won't sip Bacardi like it's MY birthday..... but we'll have a good time.
Yesterday (Monday now) was an absolute wipeout of a day. Oh... Em... Gee !! What a trip. There was nothing anyone could do to help. Nothing I wanted and nothing I wanted to talk about. All I wanted was to be left alone to ride it out. To say I felt like shite is an understatement. I have never felt so bad. But again, not in a sick way. My body was swimming with the feelings of chemicals. My head was so foggy, I couldn't stop shaking, every nerve ending was buzzing, I wasn't tired, didn't want to eat, could hardly talk or concentrate.... looking back I can hardly remember being at work in the morning. I think I need to get a new contract signed that allows any decisions that are made during chemo allowed to be changed without notice !! Just in case.
The afternoon was spent dozing and checking emails in between. Always conscious of missing work or letting people down. Yesterday I got a lift in to work. Was still a bit fuzzy and wooly but by crikey's ... No where near as bad !!
I still haven't got back to half the people that have called or messaged me so far. Is that bad ? I guess it's just the thought of being upbeat and positive when you may not actually be feeling that way at the time. Maybe I should start up some conference calls and have some group chats :-) could be a right laugh !!
Dirk's birthday ... it was a slow start to to the day. But by the evening, we had presents, cards & I even baked him a cake !! Yes I did !! We had a fab night out at a groovy little Vietnamese Tapas restaurant. A romantic table for five in the private dining room and a good giggle. I think Dirk had a good time. He's struggling with it all at the moment though. There comes a point when reality hits. And for Dirk, it's been this week. You start to think about what's ahead and then your mind plays games with you throwing out random negative scenarios ... It all gets twisted in your mind and you start to feel claustrophobic. I think that's how Dirk is feeling. (I could be wrong) all I know is that I'm so bloody lucky to have him.
Day17....
Yesterday (Monday now) was an absolute wipeout of a day. Oh... Em... Gee !! What a trip. There was nothing anyone could do to help. Nothing I wanted and nothing I wanted to talk about. All I wanted was to be left alone to ride it out. To say I felt like shite is an understatement. I have never felt so bad. But again, not in a sick way. My body was swimming with the feelings of chemicals. My head was so foggy, I couldn't stop shaking, every nerve ending was buzzing, I wasn't tired, didn't want to eat, could hardly talk or concentrate.... looking back I can hardly remember being at work in the morning. I think I need to get a new contract signed that allows any decisions that are made during chemo allowed to be changed without notice !! Just in case.
The afternoon was spent dozing and checking emails in between. Always conscious of missing work or letting people down. Yesterday I got a lift in to work. Was still a bit fuzzy and wooly but by crikey's ... No where near as bad !!
I still haven't got back to half the people that have called or messaged me so far. Is that bad ? I guess it's just the thought of being upbeat and positive when you may not actually be feeling that way at the time. Maybe I should start up some conference calls and have some group chats :-) could be a right laugh !!
Dirk's birthday ... it was a slow start to to the day. But by the evening, we had presents, cards & I even baked him a cake !! Yes I did !! We had a fab night out at a groovy little Vietnamese Tapas restaurant. A romantic table for five in the private dining room and a good giggle. I think Dirk had a good time. He's struggling with it all at the moment though. There comes a point when reality hits. And for Dirk, it's been this week. You start to think about what's ahead and then your mind plays games with you throwing out random negative scenarios ... It all gets twisted in your mind and you start to feel claustrophobic. I think that's how Dirk is feeling. (I could be wrong) all I know is that I'm so bloody lucky to have him.
Day17....
Monday 13 February 2012
It's Not Right but It's Okay.....
Poor Whitney.... what a tragic end. No doubt the next few weeks are going to be full of replays, reflections, repeats and anything else starting with "re" about Whitney Houston. I know what they mean about prescription pills and bath's though... blimey, if I was to sit in a bath today, I reckon I'd go under too (too soon?) I'm feeling quite wobbly and fuzzy and jittery today. Probably the worse day I've had so far. Last night I doubled my dose of the Thalidomide.... and POW!!! talk about putting a twist on things. I have the shakes quite badly so far and my head is in such a haze, I'm really struggling to concentrate. But at what point do you think, "I can't work?" I mean, what if I have much worse days than this and so need a day off later on. It's hard to know when to take time and when to plough ahead and just keep going..... so for now I'm ploughing.... but I'm not sure how I'm going to last. If I tell anyone, they will just say "go home" so I'm not telling anyone (shhh it's just between you and me !!)
It's been a tough couple of days emotionally at home. I've been so immensely irritable and unfortunately Dirk has been on the receiving end of all the irritability. It's lead to tears and frustration on my part and that horrible feeling that you keep hurting someone you love for no reason. I'm not sure that Dirk is dealing with it too well, and who can blame him.... he didn't sign up for this either !! It really is quite shit sometimes.... I think it's the fact that it all gets thrust upon you without any warning. So you have absolutely no idea what is about to happen, or how you are going to feel. One day all is fine... and then the next it's not. One day you feel great, then the next day it's just all too hard. Yesterday, I felt fine for most of the day. I was expecting to wake up with a monster hang-over. But I was fine - apart from the 2:30am - 6:30am insomnia - We had a lovely morning coffee outside and Dirk's parents came over. Then we got ready and went to The Left Bank for a little late lunch and a glass of vino.... this is when I started to feel not so good. I started to get clammy and the shakes. Skipped on the wine and left Nixon to finish the bottle (she didn't protest either) and after a few waters, came good again. It was a lovely afternoon. But by 5:30pm it was too loud for us old duck's and we left for the quiet comfort of the home balcony and the peaceful view of the river :-) Had a couple of wines at home, but by 9pm I was well and truly ready to hit the sack.....
And so here I am struggling to concentrate and trying really hard to appear normal !! I really should be making a list of things I have to do so I don't forget.... actually, I think I made a list on the weekend, but I can't remember what was on it now or where it is !! I'm worried about the next few months... what is it all going to be like? how am I going to feel? will it get better or worse? will I be constipated for ever? will I ever live that last comment down? I guess it's just down to a bad feeling day... like Whitney said... "It's not right but it's okay"
It's Dirk's birthday tomorrow so I intend to have a fabulous day. We're off out with our lovely friends for a romantic dinner for five. And it will be all about him. Although can you believe it.... his bloody present has been delayed by one month !! ONE frickin month !! I had it all organised, all ordered and it was all going to be fab and special. So I'm devo now that I won't be able to give him his pressie on his birthday. And Dirk gets to berate me about the fact that 5 out of the past 10 gifts I've organised for him have been delayed !! DOH !! Maybe I'll buy him Whitney's greatest hits as a fill in present.... wonder if I can get a copy anywhere....?
Pic from Day16....
It's been a tough couple of days emotionally at home. I've been so immensely irritable and unfortunately Dirk has been on the receiving end of all the irritability. It's lead to tears and frustration on my part and that horrible feeling that you keep hurting someone you love for no reason. I'm not sure that Dirk is dealing with it too well, and who can blame him.... he didn't sign up for this either !! It really is quite shit sometimes.... I think it's the fact that it all gets thrust upon you without any warning. So you have absolutely no idea what is about to happen, or how you are going to feel. One day all is fine... and then the next it's not. One day you feel great, then the next day it's just all too hard. Yesterday, I felt fine for most of the day. I was expecting to wake up with a monster hang-over. But I was fine - apart from the 2:30am - 6:30am insomnia - We had a lovely morning coffee outside and Dirk's parents came over. Then we got ready and went to The Left Bank for a little late lunch and a glass of vino.... this is when I started to feel not so good. I started to get clammy and the shakes. Skipped on the wine and left Nixon to finish the bottle (she didn't protest either) and after a few waters, came good again. It was a lovely afternoon. But by 5:30pm it was too loud for us old duck's and we left for the quiet comfort of the home balcony and the peaceful view of the river :-) Had a couple of wines at home, but by 9pm I was well and truly ready to hit the sack.....
And so here I am struggling to concentrate and trying really hard to appear normal !! I really should be making a list of things I have to do so I don't forget.... actually, I think I made a list on the weekend, but I can't remember what was on it now or where it is !! I'm worried about the next few months... what is it all going to be like? how am I going to feel? will it get better or worse? will I be constipated for ever? will I ever live that last comment down? I guess it's just down to a bad feeling day... like Whitney said... "It's not right but it's okay"
It's Dirk's birthday tomorrow so I intend to have a fabulous day. We're off out with our lovely friends for a romantic dinner for five. And it will be all about him. Although can you believe it.... his bloody present has been delayed by one month !! ONE frickin month !! I had it all organised, all ordered and it was all going to be fab and special. So I'm devo now that I won't be able to give him his pressie on his birthday. And Dirk gets to berate me about the fact that 5 out of the past 10 gifts I've organised for him have been delayed !! DOH !! Maybe I'll buy him Whitney's greatest hits as a fill in present.... wonder if I can get a copy anywhere....?
Pic from Day16....
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