Don't cry for me, Arthur Negus...... The truth is, I never left you ....... All through my wild days, my mad existence .......I kept my promise......... Don't keep your distance ........

Mum passed away peacefully on Tuesday evening with Jo, James & Dad holding her hands and surrounding her with love. It is by far one the hardest moments of my life..... not being able to hug her and say goodbye, not to be there when everyone else is. But I know the last thing she would want is for me to postpone my treatment. To delay everything for her. And to be honest, when I see that cancer has taken her from us, the last thing I want to do is delay my treatment. I am now more determined than ever to beat this.
The lead up to mum's passing was by far the hardest part. Waiting for the news to come through.... writing the letter to her.... and calling her on Tuesday to tell her myself how much I loved her. These were the hardest things I have ever done. Being so far away from her has left me a little numb. But I also have the benefit of being able to remember her as she was before the end. I am lucky in that respect. I will remember her face and her laugh and the picture in my mind will be of a healthy and happy person. Not frail and sick. 
I feel quite sad that I am not able to be with my dad and brother and sister at the moment. They are all together and helping each other through the loss. I am over here separated from them when all I want to do is hug them all and be with them. Life certainly isn't fair sometimes. At least I have Dirk. He has (as always) been amazing. 

And so now the arrangements are being made for her funeral. To say the last goodbyes and I guess, for those of us left behind, to find some closure and peace. 
One of the hardest things to cope with is the random times that sadness hits you. The past few days I've been ok one minute then tears streaming the next. At work, I can be happily distracted with an email working on something, then the next minute overcome with sadness and find myself sobbing. I can't imagine what it's like for dad..... Hopefully time heals and takes away the hits of sadness so they aren't as raw. I don't think I'll ever get over missing mum. I'm already "talking" to her. Everyone keeps saying that she's probably here with me already...... I imagine she's here.... with dad..... with all of us. 
I can't imagine what life is going to be like from now. I've never really thought about what it would be like without my mum. I can't imagine not being able to speak to her, not being able to ask her questions.... ask her for a recipe, chat to her about stuff. Everything is just so unfair sometimes. Dirk said he is going to miss chatting to mum about cricket & current affairs. She loved having a chat. And there were always little "parcels" arriving in the post. Little things that she would see at the shops and we would receive with a little note saying " I saw this and thought of you" slipped inside. Jo & I will have to continue that gesture.  I know that there are so many people that will miss her too. The amount of messages we have all received has been phenomenal. She made friends with everyone. I imagine the girls lunches she was always going to, will miss her company - not to mention the catering she always did too !!
Anyway, next Thursday is her funeral. I have my bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. Then the following week start the stem cell harvesting..... I'll write more as we get closer. At the moment, all I can think about is mum and how much I love her & am going to miss her.
But I am so thankful that I have the rest of my family. My dad, my sister & my brother and sis in law. My nephews & niece. We are lucky in so many ways. And no matter how far apart we are, our family love keeps us strong and close together. That is one legacy that mum has left us with..... family love and the strength to follow our dreams no matter how much distance it puts between us. Because our love for each other spans any distance and keeps us close no matter what.
I'll always love you mum...... 

You, you may say I'm a dreamer....... but I'm not the only one........I hope some day you'll join us ....... And the world will be as one.......

I've had the sad news this weekend that my mum is quite sick. She has gone back into hospital and is not expected to come home. Her cancer has now spread and her organs are gradually failing. My dad & brother are with her and my sister is flying from NZ to be there too. Unfortunately, due to my cancer & the start of my stem cell treatment, I won't be able to get over to see her. So I have written the following letter to her.....


Dear Mum,


This is a very hard letter to write. But I have to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. You always said if you were sick and couldn't look after yourself, then you'd want someone to shoot you. And I was the child that you knew would pull the trigger !! Well as it turns out, they won't let me come over !! Typical !! It never turns out how you wish, hey !! I'm sorry I can't be there mum. 


My first ever memory that I have, is from Kingsley Crescent. I'm not sure how old I was, but remember that old washing basket you had? The one that looked like a snake charmers basket.... I remember being in the kitchen and standing on my tippy toes trying to look inside it while you were pulling out the washing ready for the machine. I must have been about 2 or 3 because I'm sure that basket wasn't much more than 2 feet hight. Another memory is making tea for you and dad one morning, but because we weren't allowed to use the kettle, we made tea with hot water from the tap !! We thought it was perfect, I'm pretty sure you and dad pretended to drink it !! There are so many memories from our childhood.....


When we moved to Shenstone, we embarked on a whole lot more adventures..... James came along and he became my play doll. Our massive garden became our playground and most of my memories seem to be around summer and bbq's. Memories of you and dad all dressed up, going off to some ball or Round Table / Ladies Circle charter night are so vivid. The smell of dad's aftershave and the vision of you in the most beautiful ball gown walking into the lounge to show us, is something I'll never forget. You always looked so amazing, and so happy. We were always included in the excitement of everything.... whether we went with you or not. 


And then as I turned into a moody, hormonal, crabby teenager I became a nightmare. Arguing at every opportunity..... sulking at everything you said and trying to hurt you with words. I moved to Australia in '89 (aged 19) and even though it was hard for you, I was never made to feel like I shouldn't go. You told me to follow my dreams and that if you were offered the same opportunity, you would have wanted to go too. It wasn't until I was 29, that we really sorted out that moody, crabby, teenager attitude. When you came out to Australia in '99 it was like I was back to being a teenager.... and I acted like one. When Snapper told me off and told me to grow up, I realised I had been acting like a spoilt brat. It was time to be an adult and make friends with my mum. And I think from that time on, we became good friends. I realised what I'd been missing out on. I saw you for the gorgeous, funny friend that everyone else saw. 


Since then, I've loved every minute of our friendship. You are my idol. I admire you so much, the way you effortlessly complete things. The way you organise us all !! We sure are going to miss that. Everyone who meets you instantly loves you. Even over the past 18 months, you have made friends wherever you have been. I'm pretty sure that there will be nurses at the hospital that will be missing you already. 
Mum, I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I am going to miss you every single day. Who am I going to go to when I need a recipe? Who is going to help me sort out my wardrobe? Who is going to pack my suitcase with freshly ironed clothes? I'm so bloody angry that you won't be around. BUT.... it's ok.... we'll all be ok. We'll be ok because we all love each other. We are all so lucky to have the family we have, and with the memories that we have. There's not many families that are as lucky as ours. Even though we are miles apart, we will always be close. 


I love you mum. With all my heart. I wish you peace.
All my love forever - number 2 xxxxxxx