Every little step I take, you will be there ...... Every little step I make, we'll be together .......

So here's a quick update for you all on today's hospital visit.....

The next step is the Autologous Stem Cell Replacement.(ASCR) I went and met with my new haematologist specialist this morning. Dr Brad. Nice chap - very chatty, helpful and I didn't feel at any stage that he was trying to rush me or get rid of us. He explained everything and left us plenty of time to ask any questions. The nice thing about him was that he also specialises in Multiple Myeloma too. He is involved in the research and clinical trials associated with MM and has a keen interest in any of the research. At least this means he will have a vested interest in anything that happens throughout my treatment. He made me feel very comfortable about the next stage. We were also introduced to Tina the nurse practitioner who will be overseeing my treatment. She showed us around and went through the whole procedure. We made all the necessary appointments for bloods, chemotherapy, bone marrow biopsy etc etc.... and then sat and chatted more about what to expect.

The Stem Cell Process

It's all a bit daunting to be honest, but I did feel that I would be OK. I wasn't told it was all going to be fine. I was told it was going to be hard, a little bit painful and tiring. But at the same time, I was also assured that I would be under the best care possible and that they would be looking after me every step of the way.

So next week I go back in for bloods and a bone marrow biopsy. Then at the end of the month I start the chemo for the stem cell collection. This is where I will have a high dose of Cycloblastin (probably 2g) and will more than likely lose all of my hair..... I was offered a wig voucher ! - I will have to self administer growth factor injections for a few days before-hand and then will go in for a 5 hour stem cell collection, after blood tests to determine that the stem cells are at the right levels.

Once they have enough for two ASCR they will freeze the stem cells and send me home. After that, it's a matter of booking the time to have them transplanted back into me. This stage is still not 100% clear, there was so much information to take in on the first part that they didn't go too much into the next part. But needless to say, it's all starting and we're going ahead with it......


Well, that's all I have for now..... just thought I'd let you all know. Feel free to ask any questions......

I sing myself to sleep…...A song from the darkest hour…….Secrets I can’t keep……..Insight of the day……..Swing from high to deep…….Extremes of sweet and sour…….Hope that God exists…….I hope I pray…...

Do you ever feel like you're not actually in your body ? ... sort of disconnected from your skin.... nothing feels quite right. Your fingers tingle and everything you touch doesn't quite feel real. When I try and describe how these drugs have made me feel over the past 5 months, I can't quite put it into words.... what I'm writing is not how I want to describe it !!!

• That feeling just before you vomit......
• That feeling when you see a footy player fall and snap his leg on a bad fall....and then they play it in slo-mo.
• That feeling when you're freezing cold & step into a hot bath.....
• That feeling when you slice your finger and you see the bone .... before it stings....
• That feeling when you see a small kid get their fingers trapped in a slamming car boot ...
• That feeling when you have really bad flu and feel all weak..... Then cough ! .....

And meanwhile.... the tips of my fingers and toes tingle and go between feeling normal and numbness. This has caused me to start biting my nails again ... so now i have the most awful looking hands & fingers.
The blood in my body fizzes and sloshes. When it's fizzing, you feel like you've just come off a roller coaster ride. When it's sloshing, you feel like you've just been on a boat for 10 hours and are trying to get your sea legs back.
My jaw feels constantly tight, so I have to yawn & stretch my mouth all the time. I pull the most amazing faces whilst driving to work trying to stretch out my mouth, lips & jaw !! People probably glance at me and think I'm weird !! (or worse)
The pain in my back has just about gone now, except for a slight twinge here and there.....this is like someone giving you a dead arm.... but it's in my lower hip/ bum.... you go to stand up, but it's dead or weak, so you stumble ... just a little.
The tingling in my lips and mouth feels like I've eaten a bag of the hottest chillis, but without the heat..... Just the tingling is there....
The change in taste buds is just plain annoying. Some days even the thought of water makes my stomach turn. The bitter after taste is like that first sip of water to clear your mouth after you've just puked up !!
And finally, I'm now wearing glasses.... only for reading, only for close computer work.... but things are a lot more blurry these days.

So on Friday morning..... first thing..... I get to find out the next part. And I think I'm a little bit nervous !! It's all that's on my mind at the moment.... We have so many unanswered questions. We have no idea what to expect....... it's just unknown at the moment.

• Cancer is like a gatecrasher at a party that you can't get rid of without calling in the 'big guns' to help !!
• Cancer invades like squatters in a unsuspecting house.... they say possession is 9/10th of the law..... to get rid of them takes effort, time, patience and a planned attack.
• Cancer is like algae growing in a river.... it's only when the fish start dying that you realize there's a problem, but to get rid of it takes immense measures....

Hopefully Friday will bring some answers for me .......... 

you brought hope, you brought light……..conquered fear, it wasn’t always easy……...stood your ground, kept your faith……….

And as The Royal Barge moors against the banks of the River Thames..... I search for my bed. It's 12:30pm on this little Commonwealth country and as happy as I am to sit & watch Lizzy all night, I have things to do tomorrow so can't stay up much longer. I will have to watch the replay of the highlights. But I must say, at least our public holiday WA Day (previously known as Foundation Day) has coincided with Diamond Jubilee day. Although having said that I'm a little disappointed that the whole Commonwealth doesn't see fit to give us 2 days off to celebrate our Queen !! ..... I'm just saying.....
 We've had a fab day today... I made some macaroons to take over to our neighbours (G & C) where we were invited for lunch. Loved it. They are great entertainers and we sat outside looking over our roof at a slightly better (?) view than ours (higher than our place but couldn't see the city.....) and ate and drank and talked non-stop. Before I knew it myself & C had polished off 2 bottles !! As I said lovely. I was feeling pretty druggy. Yesterday was the start of the "run out of pills cycle7" Dr B told me to carry on taking Thalidomide every day, but to just run out of everything else. So Saturday I took my second to last dose of Cycloblastin and then yesterday, today & tomorrow is all I have to take of Dexamethasone and then that's it !! wahooooooo !! I won't know what's hit me not having to take those drugs..... although with the next appointment with my new Dr B looming, who knows how long it's going to be before he sends me in for the mega doses of chemo and the start of the Stem Cell Replacement !! ah well... mentally it's nice to know I'm nearly out of pills. It's been 129 days of them so far.
So anyway, back to today and my baking !! We got back from G & C's and I needed to prepare for tomorrow. It's Dirk's dad's birthday and he has requested everyone to bring a curry. I decided I needed to bake more macaroons too, oh and a birthday cake for him. So we hit the kitchen. My macaroons were ok-ish.... (ok so the last batch "may" have been out of a Donna Hay box) and mine were a real recipe..... the weren't shiny !! Does anyone know why? They looked a bit matt and not smooth.... I'll have to google why. They tasted bloody lovely though. The chocolate ganache filling works a treat!! I made the cake, but am filling it tomorrow with jam & butter cream. And the Rogan Josh is in the slow cooker over night ..... smells bloody delicious.... I'll be dreaming of India tonight..... or maybe Leicester !!!

Sitting in the Chair Relaxing

Zometa Infusion

Seeing as I'm coming to the end of one stage of this health journey and about to start the next, I've been doing a bit of reflecting. It's been a bloody tough 4 1/2 months in some respects.... especially for Dirk who's had to sit and watch, worry and cop every mood swing that he has just happened to be in the vicinity of, when they happen !! (ok not sure if that sentence makes sense but I think you'll know what I'm trying to say) ... but back to me... I'm not saying it's been an easy few months, in fact anything but easy. But I also appreciate how lucky I've been through all of this so far.   Sitting in the hospital on Friday as I had my Zometa infusion shows me this. There are all sorts of people in there for (I'm guessing) all sorts of chemo at every stage of treatment. Some look sicker than others. But they all smile - most of the time - but I see how lucky I've been so far. I've carried on working, and although some days have been a real struggle, I haven't had to quit or even go part-time. I've remained relatively healthy throughout. These next few weeks I need to be really careful. There is a lot of sickness around at the moment, and the last thing I want to do is pick up a bug right before I start the stem cell stage. I'm a bit scared about this next part. Mainly because I really don't know what to expect, how I'm going to react to the treatment and how I'm going to feel. With the way everything has gone so far, I'm sure I'll be fine. I know it's going to be tough.... but I'm young, healthy and strong. So this is a real positive. But it's still scary !! One of the things I'm a bit scared about is all the needles and drugs. I'm not scared of needles at all but I get the feeling that all the needles I've had so far are nothing compared to what I'm about to experience. And the drugs I've had so far..... a drop in the ocean compared to the next stage .... yikes !! Oh well, if I expect the worst, I can look back later on and say "well it wasn't as bad as I was expecting" !! hahaha. And there is always someone doing it much harder than I am, so I do appreciate how lucky I am. No more whinging...... especially as I'm no longer a pommy !! OMG can I say that?? Sorry mum, I'll always be English, don't worry. I know my heritage !! Especially on day like today too !! BTW - the title lyrics of todays blog are from Gary Barlow & Andrew Lloyd Webber's special Diamond Jubilee song 'Sing" I haven't heard it, I just found it and Googled the lyrics, so if it's a really crap ditty, I completely apologise. But I did read that Harry did a tambourine solo on the song which I thought was nice..... wonder if Pippa finds that a turn on?? I guess he'll find that out later at the after party !! And we will read all about it in next week's illustrious and fabulously articled Women's Magazines.... and I will ready said article in about 10 years time in some dentists waiting room and find out what really happened as I don't read the aforementioned mags !!
And so .... time for sleep. Night night, God Bless all and
God Save The Queen !!