We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection..... Dalai Lama

Today is day 46 of chemo already......I've been trying so hard this week to be more ......... more what? relaxed, less bitchy, less tetchy? all of the above I suppose.... It's bloody hard sometimes. My body says one thing and my mind says another. Most of the time I just fly off the handle and say things without thinking - so this is what I've been working on !! The shakes, jitters, tiredness, sluggishness and complete malaise continue to plague my days and nights. This is the only thing that is the constant reminder of what is going on.... and there's no escape from it. Mostly I try to forget about it, but by the end of each day, I'm drained and dreading the thought of taking another pill. Because then the cycle starts all over again..... I really don't know how anyone could do this alone.... I am so lucky to have the support around me in Dirk and my friends.

I have pretty much lost most of my taste buds now.... so food or rather the satisfaction of tasting food, is becoming harder to reach. I taste initially, then as quick as the taste hits my mouth it is gone again. Now for someone that eats because they love the taste of food and not because I'll die if I don't eat, this is major for me.  It's getting harder and harder to find the right thing to eat. Nothing that used to satisfy does the job any more. So I'm looking to new tastes and foods for inspiration.... as yet haven't found it though !! I see things on the food channel and I think I might like them, but once I've tried to recreate them I can't tell if they were any good or not. At the end of a meal I have to ask Dirk if it tasted any good. A clean plate usually tells the story that it was pretty good..... at least someone is getting to enjoy it !!

Our little Maverick has gone to get his nuts chopped off today (ouch) so for the next 10 days we'll have a 29kg puppy loose in the house with a bucket on his head !!! something to look forward to !! I imagine there'll be big gouges of plaster taken out of walls, knocked off displays and accidental breakages as he leaves a path of destruction wherever he travels. But we love him so all will be OK.....

It's now Wednesday evening and Dirk has just walked in with my birthday pressie...... and tadaaaaa !!!

This is it !!! a new Mac Book Air :-) awesome.... I can now blog away without having to worry about a big laptop on my knees and without the hassle of using the iPad which doesn't type well and won't save my blogs easily. i LOVE it !!! fanTASTic !! The boy just keeps getting better and better !!! I think he was more excited about giving it to me. I was happy to wait until tomorrow, he's been trying to give me the present since yesterday !! hee her.

Birthday tomorrow too !! A day at the office, I will probably have to supply the staff with birthday cake and sausage rolls for morning tea..... maybe a little lunch time catch up and a quiet evening. We are going out to celebrate on Friday night, once the working week is over and we can relax without the "school night" feeling hanging over our heads. I'm looking forward to our dinner.

Saturday is cricket again.... and Sunday too .... it's finals time, so nearly over.... Once over we are going to have an engagement party at home. I'm thinking a nice, elegant little champagne / cocktail evening at sunset. Our friends, some choice nibbles and lots of bubbles.... hopefully before all the warm weather goes away. Maybe over Easter.... we'll see.

Maverick is now home. He's a little more quiet tonight... probably a little sore (poor fella) We haven't had to put the bucket on yet. He's been too droopy. But I guess tomorrow will be the day when he's more.... inquisitive as to what's been taken away !! Hopefully we'll be able to let them heal before he attacks the stitches.  Time to go to bed now on the final day of my 41st year..... 42 tomorrow..... I hope it's a good year !!

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy.......... Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy......... Your skin is white but you think you're a brother....... Some days are better than others

Well I'm glad that week is over !! Talk about a hellish one.... not good. But the dark clouds seemed to have lifted when I woke this morning... so I'm feeling like I've come out of the eye of the storm. There will probably be more storms before the year is over.... but hopefully we'll get a few weeks of fine weather in !

Ok enough of that crap.... but it really was a bad week. If you haven't read already, it started out with complete exhaustion, followed by the Zometa infusion episode (knock-me-down flu like symptoms) and the Jekyll & Hyde and emotional personality disorders I've been experiencing too. Dirk nearly asked for the ring back I think!

It's been very tough emotionally for me.... Wednesday at the cancer clinic really hit me, it made it just a little bit more real for me. And it was hard to take. I started to think about what's ahead, stared to read up on the next steps, read blogs from other MM patients..... That coupled with all the other shit that was surging through me took it's toll. I got depressed and then angry and then depressed again that all this has happened to me. Did I do something majorly wrong to deserve it? Have I been so bad in life that Karma saw that I deserved cancer? I thought it was enough that our family should have to be there for mum and be able to support her, but now to be split across the world and not be able to be there for each other sucks big time. It really isn't fair sometimes..... I'm worried about all sorts of stuff.... obviously me, my health, Dirk, work, money, mum, dad, planning my wedding.... my sanity.... everything. You don't have to tell me not to worry about all these things... I know, I know.... but I'm just saying. This is whats in my head.

But as I said in the beginning... today was better. Even though Dirk had cricket, he chose to stay home (yes he did !!!) and we had a good day. Not in the most relaxing sense, but a good day. We got some long overdue chores finished. A few bits in the garden (Dirk) and a major closet clean out/up. Threw out even more fat clothes and tided out everything. It is now Ay-may-zing !! Sorted into summer / winter, work / casual / going out, pants / skirts / dresses. Just fab !! - Jo you would be proud !! And we finished it all off with a nice piece of slow cooked pork marinated in sticky bourbon bbq sauce and rice.... delicious.
I started cycle 3 of chemo yesterday, so have been pretty shaky and jittery this afternoon. When I eat now, I get the first taste of food, but then that's it.... nothing after the first bit when it hits your tongue. No after taste, no further flavours. Chilli is becoming a problem as it burns. And if anything is too salty all I get is the salt. Like a piece of ham tastes like a slice of salt..... so my choices are now a bit more decided, instead of random.

And so I embark on my birthday week :-) yay !! It's Thursday... just so you all remember ;-).... I'm really hoping it'll be a better week. I feeling like it will be. Dirk has booked at Balthazar Restaurant (a beautiful place and one of our favourites) on Friday night. Should be good. I might even wear my new frock again. It probably needs a dry clean first, but I can get that done this week.....

Well it's nearly 11pm so I'm off to bed.... night night...

Day44....