I'm on my way ... from misery to happiness today ... Uh huh .. Ah ha ... Uh huh.... Ah ha ...

I realised today that cancer isn't as scary when you actually have it, than it is for the people around you. When mum was diagnosed a year ago this week it took me about 2 months to even say or write the word. But when it's yourself you just accept it ... like the flu or a cold, you just carry on. For everyone else it's a big hairy monster. Something that you cant fix for them you just have to sit on the perimeter and be there It is still a little scary for me too in a way, but not as bad as I thought. I think I'm still more worried about mum than I am about myself. And for her it's probably the other way around too.

I had a day at the races today for my friend's hens day. What a fab day. The girls looked classy and chic. It was fun and relaxing and great to catch up with people I'd not seen for too long. OK ...... Maaaybe I drank a little bit too much champers ..... And I miiigghhttt have done a runner .... but hey, after 8 hours of drinking who can blame me. I'm not as young as those kids I was out with anymore !! (joking. I think I've lost the knack!) ... Oh just checked my phone & I sent a text to advise ... See I'm not that bad !! And I bet no one else is up now (3am) wide awake. Unless those girls have kicked on and are shaking their booty at a club !! I wonder if they stayed classy & chic all night ?....... Hee hee !

Having such a close friend here has been "ay-may-zing" this past week. Nixon has flown in from Dubai to just be with me. No pressure, except she has become the water nazi .... just a friend for a hug and a mental pick me up. She's driven me around when I've been too fuzzy and I've loved every minute of seeing her. It's true what they say about friends.

"Though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart, for friendship doesn't count the miles, it's measured by the heart."

I don't think I could count the number of messages and words of support I have received over the past month. I am so completely overwhelmed by it all. People from all over the world and from as far back as "infant's school" have sent messages. Along with new friends and even friends of friends ! It's incredible how people reach out to you. I've had texts, phone calls, emails, letters (yes the written type that arrive in the mail box), hugs, flowers, FB messages galore .... You name it. And I've loved every single message. Thank you :-) it's nice to know that I may have touched someone's life in a way that was once special and that they remembered it. Sentimental I know but at 5:07am that's how I'm now feeling.

And then there's Dirk .... My absolute soul mate. I could never get through any of this without him. He is patient, kind, supportive, loving, funny and so much more. I cannot think of how I would be without him. I'm the luckiest girl in the world...... Love is a wonderful thing.
(I'll probably get into trouble for baring my soul like that. But some things just have to be said. And in the past few days I've said things to him that probably shouldn't have been said too.)

I've cried five times today, but I've smiled and laughed more than I could count. So all in all not a bad day. It was big drug day today too, took all three in bulk. I was supposed to double up on the Thalidomide too, but my carers thought I'd better not !! Can't think why !!! I think most of the effects are happening now. I'm absolutely knackered and wide awake. My eyes are drooping but I can't stop the brain and my limbs are buzzing. I can feel it in my blood. It's working it's magic :-)

It's now Sunday, and I'm looking forward to a lovely lunchtime catch up with friends. Maybe a few less champers than yesterday and a few more waters on order. But sitting overlooking the river will be gorgeous. Sunshine, views and fab friends. That's what it's all about ....

Day15....

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour.... but heaven knows I'm miserable now....

"The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about."
Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

So I just spent the past hour writing only for it all to disappear before I saved !! Grrrr.... I'll try and remember what I wrote the first time. I think it went something a little like this.....

My day started off ok today. Got up had a coffee and took to the computer and phone for work. Took a handful of pills then into the office for a quick meeting. All relatively sedate and normal. Came home and did some more work. Our new outdoor table arrived, we even got the handover of the pool done (5th attempt and still not completely finished) I got to go for a massage & facial this evening. Quite lovely it was :-) what a fab day I can hear you all cry.....With the warm weather still going strong at around 7:30 (35C)Dirk & I hit the pool for a quick cool down ... But why as the sun is setting on a beautiful day do I turn into the pms-Kathy-Bates-bunny-boiler-bitch-from-hell ?? It's like something washes over me & I can't control it. For absolutely no reason I get annoyed. And snap. And say sarcastic things. Now I know I've said this before and for those of you that know me ... I know what you're thinking.... "well that's just normal Vixen" but it's just horrible. I can hear myself saying things that I don't want to say, but I just say them out loud anyway. I know it's upsetting Dirk. And so now I'm upset too. And it's my fault. The shit thing about these drugs is the complete unknown way that they affect you. I mean, most of the time I'm feeling ok. There's the fuzziness I've felt and a bit of a buzzy feeling in my limbs. But nothing too major. But then you start to reflect and realize its not just the physical feelings, but all the mental stuff it's doing too. Who knows how it really affects you. My mind has not stopped this week. Every waking moment has been taken up with a cacophony of thoughts and lists of things to do. I'm sure my mind is working like spaghetti junction. (All over the place and hard to see the right direction you want to be headed in) as of tomorrow I have to double the dose of my Thalidomide too. God only knows how that will affect me (gulp) as well as take full doses of everything else. Poor Dirk !! Maybe it's best he's at cricket all day.

Im thinking of taking up painting. For the days when I either can't sleep or just for the escapism. Could be a hoot to see what my brain spits out onto canvas. I have a voucher to use for an acrylics painting class at the local college. And now I don't have any travel plans for the next couple of months, it could be the perfect time to start. Watch out family you might all get a piece of art for Christmas this year !! Hahaha "one for the toilet maybe"

Next will have to be the bucket list made. It will be nice to have a wish list of things to do & see. Why don't we do these things when we're all ok? It takes a life changing announcement for you to start taking charge of what you really want to do, we all get caught up in the rat race of day to day life, and procrastinate over nice stuff that you dream about doing. It should be the other way around.....

I have my friends Hens Day tomorrow. A day at the races with the girls. Should be a fab day and many a laugh had too. Can't wait.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you."
Winnie the Pooh.


Day14 ....

Who let the dogs out .....

Day 13. Unlucky for some .... But not too bad for me today I'm happy to report. Didn't feel quite as fuzzy as yesterday. I started too and just as I thought it was going to get worse it didn't. Yay !! Had fizzy knees and arms and a bit headachey in the pm but all in all not too shabby. My working day wasn't so flash, but I think the shit should get sorted out. Fingers crossed on that one !!

Our beautiful new deck was finished today. OMG sooo gorge !! We love. We now have a proper area to access the pool. Things are beginning to shape up nicely. But unfortunately I got so caught up in work, the closest I came to a dip today was watching my friend soak up the sun whilst I slaved away inside .... Sigh .... Oh well it's nearly the weekend. I've been told not to sunbathe too much as I might blister ( another side effect of the chemo) but so far so good !! Oops :-)

Now .... Maverick (our puppy) is into chewing EVERYTHING .. Grrrrr ( that's me not him) he ate a mozzie candle tonight. I thought I'd put everything that was remotely edible out of reach. But noooo obviously glass & citronella are a tasty treat to a dog. He has all the toys a little puppy could need ... But leave something out for just one minute ..... Will be an interesting poo when that one comes out !! Hahah ouch !!! Whinge over !! Full stop !!


My mum is currently sitting at her oncology appointment as I write this. She just txt me to say that the appointments are running 2 hours late due to someone being sick !! (aren't they all sick ??) A phone call to advise would be nice ... Before they left home ... But I guess that's the NHS !! Hope it all goes ok mum. Love you xxxx


It's amazing how things change so quickly. I've just got back from the shops and some lovely retail therapy. Purchased a beautiful little Thomas Sabo charm for my bracelet & also a lovely little top from Saba. Felt fabulous and happy. Then within 1/2 hour got crabby & irritable snapped at the love of my life :-( now I feel awful. I totally blame the drugs ... It must be them. I was fine when I walked in the door..... even got a glass of wine and a big kiss & hug as soon as I walked in. So I had nothing to be grumpy about. I'm now sitting here writing this taking deep breaths willing the nasty attitude to pass. Music is on so shouldn't take long ..., although I'm not sure Dirks taste in music is really going to help.... Ok so I just fucked up again and asked hom to take the shit music off. Maybe I could have put it a little nicer ... but nooo I chose to be blunt !!! Aarrggghhhh someone help me please. I think I'll go and cry now ..... Oohhhh Coldplay :-) that might help.


I think it's time to have another sip and chill for a while now. Time to chillax. And time for the Thalidomide..... Ho hum ....

Day13 ....

vixenaus: Memories ..... like the corners of my mind ...

vixenaus: Memories ..... like the corners of my mind ...: It would have been Grandad Ray's 92nd birthday today. A good innings as people would say. He made it to 90 years before he was caught out at...

Memories ..... like the corners of my mind ...

It would have been Grandad Ray's 92nd birthday today. A good innings as people would say. He made it to 90 years before he was caught out at 1st slip !! You see we've always been under the assumption that our family were pretty much immune against everything. There's not been a history of anything in our family that we know of .... other than old age !! Happy Birthday Grandad. I think of you lots and miss you.

I've always had the feeling that I'm being "watched over" and the other day Charlie went crazy barking at a vacant spot in the kitchen.... I was sure someone was "there" with us. I asked who it was.... was it Grandad Ray or Grandad Tom?? wasn't sure but someone had come to visit. Even Dirk (the sceptic) got goosebumps. Maybe when our cleaning lady comes tomorrow I'll ask her. She told me the first day she arrived that she'd have to make friends with our spirits in the house before she could come and clean..... coockoo..... !!! My friend asked if I wanted to go and see a clairvoyant ..... I'm not sure though.... is it a good idea or a really bad one?

Today has been another day of really really weird feelings. I started back on the Dexamethsone today, for the next four days..... it's like a Demi Moore diet ! Although I don't need Red Bull or incense !! I've been working from home in the hope of getting some work done that is overdue and needs to be done without too many interruptions. But having said that, I really don't think I could drive at the moment. Talk about a fuzzy head... OMG !! beyond fuzzy today. And also headaches today :-(  its like the most intense coffee / Red Bull fix you can imagine. Every blood cell buzzes around your body, your eyes feel thick (it's all I can think of to describe the feeling) and I felt intensely irritable. Yes, I know that could be just normal me.... but I thought I'd blame the drugs..... because I can ok !!!!

OK.... so here's some really good news. It's probably something that everyone will be thinking "So why didn't you start with the good news??" and by now you're thinking "Come ooonnnnnn..... what is it??"
so anyway, today I had my appointment with Dr Ben. And he had my blood results..... my light chain protein tests showed my levels had dropped from 402 to 317 !!! YAY !!! this is great news. Normal range is 3.3 to 19.7 so I have a little way to go, but Dr Ben said that to get these results after just 10 days of chemo was better than he expected.... so yay me :-) He also said how pleased he was to see me looking good and looking happy - better than two weeks ago..... well considering he had just given me the most devastating news I'd ever received two weeks ago, I'm not totally surprised !!! but hey, he was happy, so I was too.

So we took my friend Nixon out to celebrate at our little local "Blend" tonight & had a funny night laughing at stories from days gone by..... like the one about sitting at The Body Shop HQ in the Blue Sky Room watching Nixon fall asleep on the Area Manager and Snapper hold back the biggest spew....... or the time we were at a club and I was apparently having a nana nap until Duran Duran "Wild Boys" came on and all of a sudden I was there jumping around singing..... (year right Nickers... I'm not sure that one is totally true) but giggles were had so it was worth it. I still think we should write our book on the years between 1999-2001.... just change the names to protect the innocent (or guilty as it actually was)

My back is definitely getting better, it's not completely pain free yet, but the tumours must be shrinking as the past three days have felt better each day. Dr Ben said he thought my gait was better !!! MY GAIT?? WTF am I, a horse?? Who says that? So I reckon I can only milk the assistance card for another few days before I'll be back on the chain gang and cleaning the house and doing the laundry..... sigh.... oh well, I got a good 3 months so I suppose I can't complain too much ! DOH !!! The taste in my mouth is insane.... it's not the nicest feeling in the world. Worse than hangover mouth, more like when you have really bad tonsillitis but without the sore throat. You know when you've just had medicine in the morning before you've cleaned your teeth and you're left with a stale, furry rancid mouth..... a little like that :-) nice hey? !!

and so I leave you with Day 12...... my new disco USB Fan .... OMG Love it !!!

Reason, Season... Lifetime

Friendship has to be THE most important thing in a girls life. I cannot begin to explain how much my girlfriends mean to me. I've always loved the little ditty about "reason, season, lifetime"

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.  

When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.   When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty; to provide you with guidance and support; to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.   Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.  

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.  

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. — Unknown

My lifetime friends are well & truly here to stay. I don't think I have a say in that at all !! But I wouldn't have it any other way. I have extra sisters next to me that love me warts an' all. I get daily check up calls, call in's and They also check up on Dirk too. It's hard to receive all the support when I'm so used to being the one to offer it. It kind of makes you feel almost uncomfortable.... But that's because I'm not sick, and no matter which way I look at it, I still don't believe I am.
And then there's the people that come back into your life for whatever reason. I bumped into an old friend yesterday... He asked how I was !! That loaded question, do you just say " yeah good thanks" or do you go into the "c" conversation... On this particular occasion I took the latter. And he said "oh yeah ?? I have just gone through 3 years of chemo and stem cell replacement !! Give me your number, I'll call you" WTF !! And this "old friend" has just called and chatted to me about everything. Another person that has been "sent" to me. I cannot believe how lucky a girl can get. Talk about people out there looking out for me. One thing he said that I really liked was when he asked what stage I was diagnosed at ? When I told him stage 1 he said " well I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're gonna live" haha loved it !! ....

And so here I sit, with one of my besties, sipping Moët and listening to music, giggling at stories and just sharing the silences in between..... There's nothing like it, but it's a girl thing :-)

Day11....

Thrills, Kills and Monday Pills

You don't wake up slowly on chemo.... one minute you're asleep then PING !! wide awake.... this morning was no different. But I felt ok so that was a bonus. Had a pretty good night's sleep and woke up feeling relatively refreshed. I was a little excited about getting ready for work as I had new clothes to wear :-) a new pencil skirt !! lol who would have thunk it.... me in a pencil skirt.... swapped the dark brown top for a bright pink one at the last minute and headed to the kitchen for my nesspresso....

So we have a new pool. I'm not going to sit and bag out the pool company on this blog (well not much) but for fuck's sake, this is ridiculous !! PoolsByDesign are SHIT !! I don't recommend them..... we are still waiting for handover and final fixing's. (OK I lied, I am going to use this forum to bag them) They have done nothing but dick us around since the beginning. We might have a gorgeous looking pool, but that's because we designed it. They have done nothing but stuff it up along the way. But on a brighter note, the new deck should be in by the end of the week... and if he does a good job, I'll let you know !!

Mondays are usually such monotonous days.... meeting's, reports, emails blah blah. Today's highlight has been a blood test and a rollercoaster of feelings. I've had the shakes, headache, felt jittery, clammy, hot & cold, anxious, great & sick all in the space of 5 hours. The feelings seem to have passed for now so back to work with just the jitters and shakes which appear to be here for the long run at the mo.... how did women cope on Thalidomide in the 60's !! crazy....

Day10....

When I put the daily title in this morning, I didn't know how true it would become.... I've been walking around all day with the biggest water mark down the front of my silk top.... courtesy of the shaking hand on the full water bottle this morning. I'm hoping no-one noticed, but I'm betting they were just too polite to say anything! The thrills have been the ups and downs, especially the work drama that has crossed my desk today too !! and then there's the pills..... my working day finished with a jittery but productive end. Not too bad for a Monday. We were going to head out for dinner tonight, but with the way I was feeling earlier I thought we'd give it a miss, so now I need to go and search the pantry for inspiration. Thank god for Thermomix is all I can say.

When someone tells you you're sick but all you feel is well, it's really hard to comprehend. My head still isn't around it.....

Good Morning Vixen..... you have cancer !

It's that split second in the morning when you first wake up and everything is fine.... it's the shortest of moments, pure bliss, nothing is wrong with the world.... then the soothing voice of your black angel comes crashing into your mind "you have cancer" ...... and that's it, the moment is gone again for another day.... .. my stomach has started to do cartwheels this morning. Maybe after 12 days of waking up with the same message, it's beginning to sink in. Or maybe I'm just excited at the prospect of shopping today... who knows :-)

I had a great sleep last night, a good solid 6 hours .... Dirk passed out at about 10pm, I stayed up watching TV until past midnight. Meeting with Ruth (my new friend) and going over some of the things to look forward to was on my mind a little. Nothing we talked about scared me, but a need for the reality of what is to come was on my mind. There's no doubt that there's going to be some hurdles ahead. I guess it's how you handle them that shows how strong you are. Ruth took each and every hurdle in her stride and just kept going. The chemo, the stem cell replacement (autologous stem cell replacement) the days and weeks in hospital and then the days/weeks/months afterwards recovering..... I'm not sure I had really grasped the extent of what lies ahead. But then every MM case is different, so who knows what my journey will be like?

So anyway... I've just purchased a new dress for my friend's wedding !! yay !! Very excited, I hope it gets here on time. (and I hope it fits..... online purchase)

One of the best things about my diagnosis so far has been the mental changes that happen..... You start to look at things and think "why not" so every moment becomes the best it can be.... like breakfast this morning..... halloumi & beef tomato slices (out of the garden) ... why not? delicous !! When I'm shopping for wine now.... no way am I looking at the clean skins.... I'm going to get myself a really nice bottle and enjoy every sip..... why not !! just the little things in life .... without the discount :-) I feel so bloody lucky (most of the time) I have the most amazing partner, family, friends, house, job, lifestyle, pool, pups, cat...... the list just goes on and on..... I wake up and have a coffee on my balcony overlooking the river in the sunshine, if it gets hot I have a dip in the pool.... not everyone is as lucky as I am.....

Day9....