This life well it's slipping right through my hands...... These days turned out nothing like I had planned..........

sad (sd) adj. sad·der, sad·dest 1. Affected or characterised by sorrow or unhappiness. 2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.

grief [griːf]

n

1. Deep or intense sorrow or distress, esp at the death of someone

The past two weeks have been ........ sad, surreal, awful, emotional, lonely, tearful. There are so many words that don't seem sufficient for what I've been feeling. I still don't really think it's sunk in that I've lost my mum. I still picture her at home with dad. Still think about her all the time, still think that I can just pick up the phone and call her, and then I have to tell myself that she's gone. And I won't be able to speak to her again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over that. How does any daughter (or son) cope with that feeling?
The funeral was last Thursday and that was the worst day. I lay awake most of the night crying because I wasn't there. Crying because my dad had lost his best friend - the one that he'd been with since 1959. But most of all because we are just going to miss her so bloody much. Apparently, at the funeral there was standing room only. So many people were there that my family were overwhelmed. But I guess it's not really surprising as my parents have soooo many friends. And she was so incredibly loved by all the people that met her.
One of the nice things that has happened, is the amount of donations that have come in. Dad has asked that instead of flowers, people donate to either bladder cancer (UK) or leukaemia foundation (Australia) and when I spoke to him on Saturday he said they'd had over £1800 in donations to the two charities. 
Here in Australia, we decided to have a morning tea for mum so her friends here (and myself) could say goodbye too. It was sad, happy and lovely. Just having some of mum's friends around me helped. She really did know some beautiful people.
On Saturday, I slept until 1:30pm !! 
And now, I have just 4 days before I start stem cell replacement. Last Thursday I took my last Thalidomide for a while (I may have to continue taking it again later) and on Friday I go in for a dose of chemotherapy before being sent home with growth hormone injections for 10 days. Then I return to hospital for the stem cell harvesting..... it's going to be an interesting journey!!
I have a crazy week at work - last week of the financial year, performance reviews, new staff, interviews. And in between all of that I have to go for a heart scan and then the chemo on Friday. They say the chemo could make me tired.... it's going to be hard to know whether I'm tired from work or the drugs !! 
I have some TV shows saved to watch though. We've just started watching "Girls" and are about to embark on the first season of "Breaking Bad" so at least I won't get bored. And I can always blog .....
I'm not going to ramble on about how sad I am. My mum certainly wouldn't want me to. But I'm also going to make this a short entry as the big week ahead start in just a few short hours and I'm going to need some beauty sleep.
Big thanks go to everyone that has helped our family in the past few months, whether it's just a call or message to say you are thinking of us, or by physically being with one of us helping. Thank you to everyone. The cards, flowers, support, donations, messages.... everything has been overwhelming, but also comforting to know that all over the world we have support. Much love to you all.
And as my mum would say....... night night... god bless


This is the poem that my sister read out at mum's funeral - I think it's beautiful......

Do not stand at my grave and weep, by Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932 
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain. When  you  awaken  in  the  morning’s  hush I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. 

There were some guys on the trapeze at our local park tonight. 24-June-2012