Mum passed away peacefully on Tuesday evening with Jo, James & Dad holding her hands and surrounding her with love. It is by far one the hardest moments of my life..... not being able to hug her and say goodbye, not to be there when everyone else is. But I know the last thing she would want is for me to postpone my treatment. To delay everything for her. And to be honest, when I see that cancer has taken her from us, the last thing I want to do is delay my treatment. I am now more determined than ever to beat this.
The lead up to mum's passing was by far the hardest part. Waiting for the news to come through.... writing the letter to her.... and calling her on Tuesday to tell her myself how much I loved her. These were the hardest things I have ever done. Being so far away from her has left me a little numb. But I also have the benefit of being able to remember her as she was before the end. I am lucky in that respect. I will remember her face and her laugh and the picture in my mind will be of a healthy and happy person. Not frail and sick.
I feel quite sad that I am not able to be with my dad and brother and sister at the moment. They are all together and helping each other through the loss. I am over here separated from them when all I want to do is hug them all and be with them. Life certainly isn't fair sometimes. At least I have Dirk. He has (as always) been amazing.
And so now the arrangements are being made for her funeral. To say the last goodbyes and I guess, for those of us left behind, to find some closure and peace. One of the hardest things to cope with is the random times that sadness hits you. The past few days I've been ok one minute then tears streaming the next. At work, I can be happily distracted with an email working on something, then the next minute overcome with sadness and find myself sobbing. I can't imagine what it's like for dad..... Hopefully time heals and takes away the hits of sadness so they aren't as raw. I don't think I'll ever get over missing mum. I'm already "talking" to her. Everyone keeps saying that she's probably here with me already...... I imagine she's here.... with dad..... with all of us.
I can't imagine what life is going to be like from now. I've never really thought about what it would be like without my mum. I can't imagine not being able to speak to her, not being able to ask her questions.... ask her for a recipe, chat to her about stuff. Everything is just so unfair sometimes. Dirk said he is going to miss chatting to mum about cricket & current affairs. She loved having a chat. And there were always little "parcels" arriving in the post. Little things that she would see at the shops and we would receive with a little note saying " I saw this and thought of you" slipped inside. Jo & I will have to continue that gesture. I know that there are so many people that will miss her too. The amount of messages we have all received has been phenomenal. She made friends with everyone. I imagine the girls lunches she was always going to, will miss her company - not to mention the catering she always did too !!
Anyway, next Thursday is her funeral. I have my bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. Then the following week start the stem cell harvesting..... I'll write more as we get closer. At the moment, all I can think about is mum and how much I love her & am going to miss her.But I am so thankful that I have the rest of my family. My dad, my sister & my brother and sis in law. My nephews & niece. We are lucky in so many ways. And no matter how far apart we are, our family love keeps us strong and close together. That is one legacy that mum has left us with..... family love and the strength to follow our dreams no matter how much distance it puts between us. Because our love for each other spans any distance and keeps us close no matter what.
I'll always love you mum......
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