Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity ..... To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment ..... Would you capture it or just let it slip? .....

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess bride who lived in a castle on a hill...... this bride was happy as she had been a bit sick recently, but now all was going well and she was feeling better and getting better every day. Her prince charming had proposed to her, and preparations for their beautiful wedding were under way.....

Then one day, unbeknownst to the princess bride, a wicked spell was cast upon her and she was turned into Bridezilla !!!! ..... WTF has happened to me.... I vowed I wouldn't be a bridezilla, and yet here I am.... biting the head off my prince charming. This isn't how I planned it. I need to take a deep breath and calm the f@#k down!! Last night I lost it, trying to tell Dirk what to do and when he questioned me, I yelled at him and told him he had no interest in our wedding !! 

I cried all night, if my mum were here, she'd be able to talk me through it. I'd be able to talk out my frustrations with her and we'd end up laughing and she would have all the answers I need..... Dirk was upset and angry with me so he quickly went to sleep with his back turned my way. I lay awake and switched on scrabble on my iPad. The first word that came up on my tiles was "sorry" .... a sign?? yep I think so. Mum must be around me after all !! More tears and then sleep. I did apologise this morning and after more tears felt a little better. Hopefully Dirk does too.

Wedding Invites w/ wedding stamps

I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling guilty and have been in trouble, I withdraw afterwards. I go quiet and find it difficult to get back to normal. It must be the guilt. The fear of appearing that you are too quick to forget how bad you've been, and therefore must not be so sorry...... Don't you just love how our minds work ??!!! 

Health-wise... I've been pretty good. Getting stronger everyday. But I've been experiencing body aches and pains. Around my joints. The aches wake me up at night. I called my nurse and asked if this was normal. She said no, and so I went for blood tests again last week (Friday) They came back all ok and normal looking. But I have a check up appointment tomorrow, just in case. Hopefully it's all just my body getting back to normal, my new bone marrow filling up in my bones and me getting stronger. I'll keep you posted.

I'm still not back at work. I don't think I can stretch this sickness thing out too much longer !! As I get stronger I will have to think about getting back into the rat race. I must be getting close to getting back as I've started to bite my nails again. This is usually a sign of me thinking about work stuff !! So far only one finger has been bitten !! Nine more fingers to go before I go back....but it's a start !! I'm not sure our bank balance can hold out much longer anyway..... I also need my hair to start growing. It's doing my head in so badly as I can't see it growing yet. People are very nice and tell me how good I look without hair, but all I see when I look in the mirror, is a cancer patient. Bald. And I don't feel confident or pretty. The weather is also getting warmer and hats are so warm. I just want to see it start growing.... that's not too much to ask is it? It's been about 10 weeks since it fell out. And 7 1/2 weeks since my last chemo. 

Chicken & Mushroom Pie

We were given a getaway to Margaret River for our engagement earlier this year and have decided to use it. Soooo looking forward to getting away for a couple of days. It'll be good for this bridezilla to get away with her prince charming and forget about everything wedding !!! We may even get to take in a couple of Margaret River wineries.... mmmm.

And so, this is where I'm at this week. Some good... some not so good. But in general happy. And more than anything excited beyond belief about seeing my dad and the rest of our friends and family in about 15 weeks. All together......

Well time to get back to my pie making... I made some chicken and mushrooms pies on Friday, they went down so well I'm making another batch. Will pop then in the freezer for those days when we can't be bothered to cook tea.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know .... Sometimes I feel like checking out ..... I want to get it wrong ..... Can't always be strong .... And love it won't be long...

A Card I Received Today !! Brilliant
Thanks Lori xx

It's Friday and I'm home (yay) I was released yesterday afternoon and it was a GREAT feeling. Not that  I have one complaint about the staff and the care they give. But the food is quite bad and the boredom is ..... well just plain bloody boring !!
It was great to have a visitor yesterday (thanks Phil) I got the OK from Dr Brad that I could start to see people and not be as "anal" as I have been about being around people.
We had risotto for tea last night (made in the Thermomix of course !!) and it was "heaven" just delicious. We watched some TV then I sank into my bed and drifted into a gorgeous night's sleep.
This morning I had to have more bloods done. And I had to fast too as I was having one called FMBS (i think) which was a urine test then bloods. So I filled my bottle then Dirk decided to drive me in. I haven't driven for 3 weeks and  wasn't sure how I'd go.
Once in we also decided to go sand see Tina instead of calling her. She was glad we did and asked us to go back in a hour so we could see the results.
We headed down the road - away from the hospital - for a coffee, and I also popped into work to say hi to a few people & pick up some mail. It was nice to see a fe people and pickup the latest goss too !! ha ha! (and what goss I got too - omg) 
After our coffee we headed back to HCC and Tina called us in.
Bloods were good-ish! Haemoglobin was 105 (good) White Cell Count 3.8 (good) Platelet Count - Blood 210 (brilliant - normal range) Neutrophils 0.68 (not so good) I was almost neutropenic again. Thank goodness it didn't show up yesterday as they wouldn't have let me go home from hospital !!
But this means I am now back at home, have to be careful with visitors again, careful with my diet again, and I also have another get into jail (Hospital Emergency Dept) free card again. Damn !!! I was hoping for better than that !! I'm also back on the injections just for two more days..... sigh......
However, I am feeling ok so I guess that's good. Have been a bit snotty as a result of last week's cold, but I don't feel (touch wood) sick !!
This afternoon, I've decided to make a playlist based on my blog titles. Seeing as my theme appears to be quotes taken from songs, I thought I'd put one together. If anyone wants it, I'll attempt to make it public.....? It'll be a right miss-mash of music !! This is my 74th blog entry and approx 85% of my entries have lyrics as the title, so it'll be funny to see how the list plays (for me anyway)
So that's it for today.... I have been quite low this afternoon. It'll be mum's birthday on 28th and already I can't stop crying. I think I'm beginning to feel the pain of her not being here. I'm having "mum-moments" about 5 times a day at the moment. Probably because I have so much time...... Time to get better and get busy I think !!! I don't think I could not work.... I miss it too much.
Anyway, now I'm babbling so I'll sign off for the day..... 
Thanks for listening xxxxx

99 dreams I have had……...In every one a red balloon……..

Day 99 of chemo today..... wow how time flies when you're having fun hey !!! 28th January 2012 was Day 1 .... now 98 days later I have results saying things are looking ok.... (I hope)
It's hard to stay positive when there has been let downs in the past. I mean.... I was so positive with the preliminary tests in the beginning. I didn't have cancer, that was impossible. Not me .... so now I'm positive, but hesitant to "jinx" it in case I have to find more energy to fight through another set back..... But... if I do.... I will !! Just don't jinx it.
The past couple of weeks have actually been relatively good. I've been enjoying work, been distracted by the focus of my job. It's the time of the year I get to do planning, budgeting and real strategy stuff.  I'm still not sure what the opinion at work is of my performance. They have been really amazing and patient with me. Allowing me to work around my feelings and appointments. I've tried to be honest and have made sure I've put in the hours etc. But you never really know whether it's enough.....The distraction from my health has been good for me. I've enjoyed it. I felt like I did working before diagnosis.
And then there has been the past 24 hours..... Zometa, Thalidomide, Cycloblastin & Dexamethasone all in 24 hours (as well as the daily antidepressants, aspirin to keep my blood thinner, muti-vitamin, heartburn tablet and calcium supplement)...... and until around 1pm today I wasn't too bad..... and then it hit me - POW!!!
I was out for a beautiful afternoon tea the The Duxton with some girlfriends..... and it started to get worse and worse.... jaw clenching... sweats... shakes (ohhh the shakes)...... loss of focus..... I think I did ok for the first hour but after that, I went downhill as fast as Ingemar Stenmark  !!
I had to make a fairly quick exit - say thanks and goodbyes and head home..... where I crashed !! I was wiped out as quickly as the little afternoon tea scones and finger sandwiches that were devoured only an hour earlier !! Which by the way were absolutely divine !!
And of course.... with a stint on the Dexa's comes that spending issue too.... GULP !!! I'd like to say that it's been under control, but today really made up for all the other little bits that have been creeping into the house via eBay, amazon etc etc..... A New Car !!! OMG - and I am soooo excited. OK so it's not brand new or anything stupid, but I'm still excited. Firstly I test drove an Audi A3 - but it just underwhelmed me.... a little disappointing. It was probably a great car, perfect for what we needed, a good price (yawn), practical, fitted the dogs in the boot, zippy and all that..... but it was just a car. It was boring (and it had scratched on the doors and no bluetooth !! Helloooo what car doesn't have bluetooth these days????)
So we drove up the road to a BMW dealership and had a look at an X3. It's got a few KM's on the clock, but drove beautifully, looks good and has all the extra's I was looking for ..... and it felt GOOD to drive. It had that something special about sitting in it.... that feeling..... it was nice. We got a good trade-in price for my old car so did the deal there and then. Now all I have to do is wait until Monday to go and pick it up !! Wahooo..... Now before you criticise the buying of a new car... we needed it. It was a decision that has been a few months in the making due to the fact that we have a 10 month old puppy that has grown into King Kong! The back seat of a sedan is no place for such bear.... yet alone two of them. So it's a practical decision, based on necessity. OK I'm now convinced... are you?? See it doesn't take long <insert cheeky grin & wink here>
Next week is another full-on work week. It's planning week with all of our Regional Managers in town from the overseas offices. Ordinarily a really good week. A lot of work and discussions followed by a bit of a laugh (assuming there's no bollocks to bust) and some dinners and drinking. I'm pretty sure this week will be no different, but the way I'm feeling may affect how my week pans out. Early start and late finishes are more of a struggle these days.

I'll also officially become an Aussie this week !! I have my citizenship ceremony on Thursday!! Only 23 years in the making...... I'm going to pledge allegiance to the Queen and give up my pommy vote for an Aussie one. I'll be able to vote for the first time in my life (at the age of 42 !!) how exciting ! I can't wait for the next election to actually have an opinion...... ha !!

Mum has also had a full on week - radiation this past week every day..... hopefully it will have helped and made some difference. She is still in hospital. She doesn't want to be released home until we know she's good to go. And there are still a few obstacles to get through before that time. We chatted today and it was nice to talk. I hope she wasn't putting on a positive, cheery voice just to try and convince me.... if she did it probably worked, because I thought she sounded good. We had tried to Skype but the connection was crap so we had to make do with a phone call. No visual !! One of the things you do when you are so far apart is always try to sound cheery so that the other side won't worry !! I've tried to be honest with mum because I think she has some idea of what I'm going through. Albeit different, she know's the feelings and the internal thoughts that run through your head constantly. So mum if you are reading this and really feel like shit, please tell me. I'd rather know. You have my blog to know when things are tough.....

Well, it's now close to 2am and although I still don't feel sleepy, I think I should give the pillow a good try and get some shuteye. I'll leave you with one last pic of a little splurge I made just prior to the car purchase.... Dirk, I hope you don't mind !! Love you baby !! I just couldn't resist and mum really liked them too.....

Ribbon For Bladder Cancer

I've also been on the cancer fundraising website and found some Multiple Myeloma ribbons etc. Just in case anyone is interested - they also have ones specifically for Bladder cancer (which is what mum has) Click here for a look.....

Oh yes and one last another thing !! I'm doing a fundraising morning tea at work for cancer (am I becoming one of those annoying types??) I figured a few cupcakes for morning tea would be a good thing. And if people wanted to donate to a worthy cause then why not..... if you can't make it you can still donate .... yes? click here....

OK that definitely it for the night...... I'm off to sleep now..... night night xxxxx

“Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub.”

Yawn !!..... wowsers... talk about falling into a heap at the end of the weekend. I haven't been able to do much more than sleep since Sunday, but I think I'm finally beginning to understand the cycle of my drugs a bit more now. The Thalidomide gives me the shakes.... the Dexa's make me moody and irritable and a bit jittery and the Cyclo makes me tired beyond tired, with that sludgy feeling and a little neuropathy. Now if I could just plan my days and meetings around the drugs I'd be better equipped !! The biggest problem is that just as one drug works it's way out of your system, you pump the other one in. And the Thalidomide is daily, so there's no escape from that one at all. Oh well..... cycle 4 next week already.... that's 9 weeks of chemo gone already.
"Time flies when you're having fun..." or so they say !!

The weekend was great, due to the fact that the cricket club had wins and walked away with two flags. But the nicest part for me was sitting in the sun with the girls, chatting and drinking champers. Really quite pleasant. It was a bit tense for a while (the cricket), but all good in the end. Sunday evening Dirk & I went to my bosses house for tea and had a great meal with some great company. Good wines, good food and a good laugh too. We didn't leave until late so by the end of the weekend, I was absolutely exhausted. We had to stop off on the way home to see the boys celebrating at the club..... I have to say.... it was no place for girls..... drunk, naked, sweaty, Emu Bitter drinking males all hugging one another constantly. Lots of male love in the room....  They had already done nude runs down to the freeway and back, greased up the covers and done naked sliding and one of them was covered in a MacDonald's chocolate sundae !! .......need I say more? !!!! and they think girls are bad !!

But the after effects of a feel good week and a good weekend come at a cost.... and the cost was Monday !! I woke exhausted, got up checked my emails and collapsed back into bed and slept again. It was a very difficult day. The neuropathy is weird. It's like you know you should be feeling things but the feelings are numbed. When I'm in the shower, I know that the water is hitting my body, but you can't quite feel it on your body.... and when I stretch my arms out to reach for something, my fingers all tingle. And the jaw and face feelings are just as bad...... when I'm drinking water, it takes a while before my mind associates the drinking action with the feeling. I'm sitting here now trying to remember yesterday and I can hardly do it. I was like a zombie all day. I don't think I functioned very well. I also got a message from my sis to say that mum had gone back into hospital so on top of everything I was also worried about her. It's so bloody shit sometimes, being so far away.... I know they all worry about me, and here I am worrying right back about them. I'll feel better when mum starts to get stronger and is eating (hear that mum !!) We all love being skinny, but mum is just taking it to the extreme !! Time to settle down now Gezza !! We spoke tonight, mum is back home again having had a blood transfusion and some tests. She sounded a lot better and we had a good chat, so at the moment, I'm feeling ok again.
I've slept more today too. I went in to work this morning - sat on a conf call for 1/2 hour that no-one else dialled into !! TFC !! - got through some work until about 1pm then went to lunch with my besty.We had chance to really catch up and talk and I loved it. We spoke weddings, holidays, family, houses, men, women, friends old and new..... all the stuff besties talk about. I got a call from the new GM at a competitor company while I was at lunch to see if I wanted to go and work for them !! haha ... I said thanks but not right now. Then I came home and slept..... again. And I actually feel ok at the moment. I still don't think I'll have any problems sleeping again tonight either. I guess I just have to go with the flow and do what my body is telling me to.
Dirk & I have to organise our engagement party and get the invites out. We have to book caterers and other stuff associated with a party. Not sure Dirk is quite as enthusiastic as me, but I'll whip him into shape and get him excited about it all ..... who doesn't like a party?

What's the first sign of madness?........ Suggs walking up your driveway........!!!

I've been very busy at work this week, and actually feeling relatively good too. I kind if wish I'd felt this good last week, but hey.... shouldn't complain. And so.... with feelings of normalcy has come 10 hour days at work. It's been just like the old days !!! .and I've kind of enjoyed it .. oh hello Suggs :-) !!

I had my Dr's appointment today, he's going away on Saturday to UK for 4 weeks so I'll be going it alone until he gets back. But the results from my bloods were going well still. This month I'm at Kappa 144 mg/l (down from 175mg/l last visit) So pretty good... still dropping. We asked him about what level it needs to be at before starting the stem cell replacement, he said that it didn't need to be at any particular level, just consistently dropping. Which it is. I think he forgot to send through the referral to the Stem Cell Dr as he didn't have a copy of it, and asked me to fax through the referral letter he gave to me so he could follow up.... Dr's !!! He is still thinking only a couple of months away until I start that. All our other questions were answered and I got my new scripts for more chemo and my next appointment booked for Zometa (eeuuww) I told him about my shakes and really bad chemically druggy feelings and he has told me to drop the amount of Dexamethsone that I'm taking. I was concerned that if I started taking less then the chemo won't be as effective, but he assured me that there have been good results from other people taking these amounts. So now I only have to have five Dexa's on the days I have it (which is days 1-4 & 12-15) I see him again on 24th April ......

I chatted to my bridesmaid in Dubai today - she put a big smile on my face, even though it was only a quick chat. Hopefully we'll be able to Skype later in the week and catch up. We may even discuss some wedding stuff !! I've been thinking that Dirk & I may have to start looking for wedding venues as that really is going to be the hardest thing to book. So a trip down to Margaret River may be in order :-)
Cricket finishes this weekend - and I won't lie to you, I am just a tiny bit happy about it !!! We get our weekends back and can do stuff....  like go down south for a weekend maybe. I've asked Nickers to look out for any dresses she might like. As I have absolutely no idea what bridesmaids might want to wear. Not even the colour scheme..... maybe a Skype call will be a good idea !!! Or maybe I should get a wedding planner... hmmm......

This weekend is going to be all about cricket finals. Hopefully there'll be a few of the wags down at the club. And hopefully there'll be some champers organised for us all. It goes over Saturday & Sunday so I'm thinking Sunday will be the day for me. Saturday I'm hoping to go for a facial / massage / pedicure somewhere.... if I can get in at late notice. I'll have to see if I can find somewhere nice. And then I think a little lie in the sun will be in order. It's definitely beginning to cool down now. When I tell you the temp... you people in the colder climates are going to scoff at me..... but Perth people know what I'm saying !! Today was only 26C !! thats cooling down. Sat & Sun are looking to only be 24C & 25C - that's almost jeans and jumper weather !! brrrrrr........

I found my old diary the other day - written every day from 1987 to 1989..... this day in '87 my best friend had to have her dog put down :-( very sad (Ser that was Copper) and on this day in '88 I was on a beauty therapy trip to Blackpool !! We all went there to watch hair competitions (yep I really did) but afterwards when it was time to leave, we had to leave without two of the girls as they didn't come back to the bus.... (Sam & Sioban) haha .... for those of you that know Sammy, no surprises there !!! Hilarious. I think they might have nipped for a quick drink and then got lost trying to find the bus !! They got the last train back and got in at 2:30am !!! those were the days...... there is some VERY juicy stuff in this diary.... I might share some more..... but then I may have to kill you !! <joke>

Well seeing as it is now 1:50am, I think I might try and get some shut eye..... we got our new chairs today for the new table - I think they look fab....

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction........

and so to remember everything I'd just written over the past two days..... I was clicking "save" but it obviously wasn't saving !!! grrrrr.... I lost the lot !!

I started with the birthday - Thursday - I went to work and managed to get through morning tea of sausage rolls, tim tams and cake.... then went out for a nice quiet lunch with my friend, caught up on a little more work then made it home where I crashed out on the couch and slept. Dirk was at cricket but came home early with a pizza for tea. He chose a beautiful pancetta & blue cheese one, which ordinarily I would have found yummy, but at the time all I could think of was salt & heartburn !! So what did he do? He went straight back to the pizza shop and bought me a different one.... even knowing I'd only have one slice !! bless him :-) ...... a little while later, birthday was over and I went to bed.... It hadn't been the best day, but not much you can do about that. 

Friday was slightly better (feeling wise) I trundled off to work again. Mornings these days are a real struggle. I am so totally wiped out in the mornings. It takes me a good hour to fully wake up. My eyes are puffy and my body feels sluggish as well as my back aching and tight. But I managed it in by about 9:30am and got straight into the day. I was determined not to feel crap. I had dinner to look forward to in the evening. I figure that sometimes you can fool your body into believing that you feel great.... if you keep telling yourself enough you start to believe it !!

Balthazar

Balthazar was fabulous.... great company, great food and great evening. I have to rave about the food as it was absolutely exquisite.... Dirk had fillet steak that cut like soft butter, Bec & Ben had the Duck and I had Pork with black pudding and scallops.... just divine !! Ben & I shared a beautiful bottle of Gaja - Sito Moresco Langhe which was just a fab as the food.... mmmmm.... 

If anyone is looking for somewhere special to go to I would highly recommend Balthazar - we loved it. 

The Pork

The Duck

The Steak

Saturday was Day8 of Cycle 3 which means drug day <groan>.... 10 X Cycloblastin. (as well as the daily normal + daily vitamins) I did what I usually do on a drug day... hit the shops !! It's easier than sitting at home waiting for the effects to kick in. If I'm mindlessly wandering around I don't tend to feel quite as much intensity as they take hold. And I can forget about everything and just meander around without having to talk or think about anything. I managed to find some bargains for Dirk from FCUK & Country Road which were very well received, and found a couple of bargains for myself. But.... I have one problem that I'd like to share with you all...... WHY do girls wear racer back tops and normal bra's?? Hello.... has anyone told them?  The bra straps look ridiculous !! If you are wearing a racer back, then get a bra that has the same straps or wear a strapless bra.... I saw so many girls with this look - and it looks crap !! Now I realise that I am not the worlds biggest fashionista .... BUT even I know that you need to glance at your rear view before you leave the house. I cannot believe how many girls don't know this rookie rule. There are exceptions to the rule  - like in the gym - BUT not in a shopping centre when clearly you have not been near a gym in decades..... I had a second issue yesterday too, but cannot remember what it was now.... I've been wracking my brain, but it escapes me..... I'll let you know when I remember!! 

The rest of my Saturday was once again spent sleeping before Dirk & I hit the kitchen and whipped up a little Goulash and Nockerl (Hungarian dumplings) in the Thermomix.... delicious !! I also baked a apricot and apple crumble and custard for dessert as Dirk had been harping on about one (well had asked once... heh heh).

And so to Sunday..... 11am I woke up this morning !! Sleep really is my best friend at the moment. The nightly Thalidomide really wipes me out. It takes about an hour to take hold (after taking it) and approx 15-20 hours before I feel like I'm awake. Which doesn't leave too many hours in between.... 

We went to watch South Perth at the cricket today - three teams were in the semi's and now there are two in the finals next week. Hopefully at least one of them will win a flag.... they have to !!

I have bloods and Dr Ben this week. Last appointment until May as he's going away for April. Hopefully we'll see more good results. I have more Zometa to look forward to this month (Not!) and an appointment with a Dr from Royal Perth Hospital about the stem cell replacement. I can't wait until all this is over. I'm sure my mum feels the same..... her chemo looks like being bought forward as there's been some changes for her. I just hope it all goes ok.... I'm here mum for any questions or just to offload or chat :-)

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection..... Dalai Lama

Today is day 46 of chemo already......I've been trying so hard this week to be more ......... more what? relaxed, less bitchy, less tetchy? all of the above I suppose.... It's bloody hard sometimes. My body says one thing and my mind says another. Most of the time I just fly off the handle and say things without thinking - so this is what I've been working on !! The shakes, jitters, tiredness, sluggishness and complete malaise continue to plague my days and nights. This is the only thing that is the constant reminder of what is going on.... and there's no escape from it. Mostly I try to forget about it, but by the end of each day, I'm drained and dreading the thought of taking another pill. Because then the cycle starts all over again..... I really don't know how anyone could do this alone.... I am so lucky to have the support around me in Dirk and my friends.

I have pretty much lost most of my taste buds now.... so food or rather the satisfaction of tasting food, is becoming harder to reach. I taste initially, then as quick as the taste hits my mouth it is gone again. Now for someone that eats because they love the taste of food and not because I'll die if I don't eat, this is major for me.  It's getting harder and harder to find the right thing to eat. Nothing that used to satisfy does the job any more. So I'm looking to new tastes and foods for inspiration.... as yet haven't found it though !! I see things on the food channel and I think I might like them, but once I've tried to recreate them I can't tell if they were any good or not. At the end of a meal I have to ask Dirk if it tasted any good. A clean plate usually tells the story that it was pretty good..... at least someone is getting to enjoy it !!

Our little Maverick has gone to get his nuts chopped off today (ouch) so for the next 10 days we'll have a 29kg puppy loose in the house with a bucket on his head !!! something to look forward to !! I imagine there'll be big gouges of plaster taken out of walls, knocked off displays and accidental breakages as he leaves a path of destruction wherever he travels. But we love him so all will be OK.....

It's now Wednesday evening and Dirk has just walked in with my birthday pressie...... and tadaaaaa !!!

This is it !!! a new Mac Book Air :-) awesome.... I can now blog away without having to worry about a big laptop on my knees and without the hassle of using the iPad which doesn't type well and won't save my blogs easily. i LOVE it !!! fanTASTic !! The boy just keeps getting better and better !!! I think he was more excited about giving it to me. I was happy to wait until tomorrow, he's been trying to give me the present since yesterday !! hee her.

Birthday tomorrow too !! A day at the office, I will probably have to supply the staff with birthday cake and sausage rolls for morning tea..... maybe a little lunch time catch up and a quiet evening. We are going out to celebrate on Friday night, once the working week is over and we can relax without the "school night" feeling hanging over our heads. I'm looking forward to our dinner.

Saturday is cricket again.... and Sunday too .... it's finals time, so nearly over.... Once over we are going to have an engagement party at home. I'm thinking a nice, elegant little champagne / cocktail evening at sunset. Our friends, some choice nibbles and lots of bubbles.... hopefully before all the warm weather goes away. Maybe over Easter.... we'll see.

Maverick is now home. He's a little more quiet tonight... probably a little sore (poor fella) We haven't had to put the bucket on yet. He's been too droopy. But I guess tomorrow will be the day when he's more.... inquisitive as to what's been taken away !! Hopefully we'll be able to let them heal before he attacks the stitches.  Time to go to bed now on the final day of my 41st year..... 42 tomorrow..... I hope it's a good year !!

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy.......... Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy......... Your skin is white but you think you're a brother....... Some days are better than others

Well I'm glad that week is over !! Talk about a hellish one.... not good. But the dark clouds seemed to have lifted when I woke this morning... so I'm feeling like I've come out of the eye of the storm. There will probably be more storms before the year is over.... but hopefully we'll get a few weeks of fine weather in !

Ok enough of that crap.... but it really was a bad week. If you haven't read already, it started out with complete exhaustion, followed by the Zometa infusion episode (knock-me-down flu like symptoms) and the Jekyll & Hyde and emotional personality disorders I've been experiencing too. Dirk nearly asked for the ring back I think!

It's been very tough emotionally for me.... Wednesday at the cancer clinic really hit me, it made it just a little bit more real for me. And it was hard to take. I started to think about what's ahead, stared to read up on the next steps, read blogs from other MM patients..... That coupled with all the other shit that was surging through me took it's toll. I got depressed and then angry and then depressed again that all this has happened to me. Did I do something majorly wrong to deserve it? Have I been so bad in life that Karma saw that I deserved cancer? I thought it was enough that our family should have to be there for mum and be able to support her, but now to be split across the world and not be able to be there for each other sucks big time. It really isn't fair sometimes..... I'm worried about all sorts of stuff.... obviously me, my health, Dirk, work, money, mum, dad, planning my wedding.... my sanity.... everything. You don't have to tell me not to worry about all these things... I know, I know.... but I'm just saying. This is whats in my head.

But as I said in the beginning... today was better. Even though Dirk had cricket, he chose to stay home (yes he did !!!) and we had a good day. Not in the most relaxing sense, but a good day. We got some long overdue chores finished. A few bits in the garden (Dirk) and a major closet clean out/up. Threw out even more fat clothes and tided out everything. It is now Ay-may-zing !! Sorted into summer / winter, work / casual / going out, pants / skirts / dresses. Just fab !! - Jo you would be proud !! And we finished it all off with a nice piece of slow cooked pork marinated in sticky bourbon bbq sauce and rice.... delicious.
I started cycle 3 of chemo yesterday, so have been pretty shaky and jittery this afternoon. When I eat now, I get the first taste of food, but then that's it.... nothing after the first bit when it hits your tongue. No after taste, no further flavours. Chilli is becoming a problem as it burns. And if anything is too salty all I get is the salt. Like a piece of ham tastes like a slice of salt..... so my choices are now a bit more decided, instead of random.

And so I embark on my birthday week :-) yay !! It's Thursday... just so you all remember ;-).... I'm really hoping it'll be a better week. I feeling like it will be. Dirk has booked at Balthazar Restaurant (a beautiful place and one of our favourites) on Friday night. Should be good. I might even wear my new frock again. It probably needs a dry clean first, but I can get that done this week.....

Well it's nearly 11pm so I'm off to bed.... night night...

Day44....

The Start of it All......

I can't actually remember how it all started (or when) I remember thinking my back was getting sore (or weak as I kept telling Dirk - my partner) around Novemeber 2011 time.... I thought it was to do with my weight loss as I'd had gastric sleeve surgery in July and had lost 30 odd kg's by Nov.
I really started to notice it in Dec when I went home to England to surprise mum & dad with a "get better soon" hug. Mum was going through all her liver problems (on top of her cancer) and was just not getting better, I needed to see her more than anything.
By the time I left UK, I was hobbling and limping. The journey home was a nightmare as I had heavy cases & had to walk everywhere.
On return to Oz, it all seemed to just get worse by the day, so I went to see a Physio. He suggested I had a posterially rotated sacral iliac left sacrum joint. So I started exercises, bought a SIJ belt and continued on.
After a couple of weeks it was worse still. My sis was here with her kids from NZ for Christmas & I was struggling to sleep yet alone walk !! I ended up going to see a different Physio, purely as he was closer to home, and after 3 treatments he asked if I'd go for an MRI.
Yep, no problems, I thought, just get this bloody back sorted out !!!
Had the MRI on 11th Jan 2011 and then just waited for the report. My physio called me at 7.30am on Thursday morning saying he thought I'd better go to see my GP as the report had shown up something he didn't think was something he could treat. He said he's fax the report to my Dr and that I should call for an appointment.
I just assumed there was some bone issue that was out of the realms of physio treatment. So called my GP and as soon as I mentioned the fax report they asked me to come in immediately.
At midday, I sat in my Dr's office talking about my weight loss and recent happenings (as I hadn't been to the Dr's for about 7-8 months) and then he told me I would need to go and see a haematologist. He showed me the report (which was full of jargon words I didn't understand at all, but then ending with a summary that said "...... consistent with Multiple Myeloma" still this meant nothing. But as my Dr started to talk I realised something wasn't quite right. I asked him.... "is this like cancer of the blood?" he looked at me and said "my dear, lets not jump ahead, we need to rule out all possibilities"
He tried then to get me an appointment with a haematologist. Urgently!
It wasn't until I got back in my car and started to drive home that it began to dawn on me that things weren't as they should be..... I called Dirk and broke down into tears. He was on his way home immediately.
The waiting for appointments is the worst thing of all. I needed answers now, but obviously so does everyone else. I heard nothing for the rest of Thursday and Friday, so I called my Dr back and he jumped to action and got me an appointment with the haematologist for the following Tuesday. Along with blood tests etc o the same day.
Then it was into hospital for 3 days of tests.
First day was an X-Ray....
Second day was a bone marrow biopsy and bone core sample. (a bit like exploration drilling for iron ore but in my back - take a core sample and send it off to the lab !!)
Third day was the CT scan & tissue biopsy.
None of them were really as bad as I thought they'd be, just uncomfortable. And when all you want is answers then you will sit through anything.
My specialist (Dr Ben) cam back later that afternoon with the results of "most" of the tests. Things were looking good. So far there were no signs of irregularities in my results to indicate anything. Bloods, bone marrow plasma etc etc all normal range.
So over that weekend we were feeling pretty hopeful. I still didn't say too much as I hadn't told my family. It would be ridiculous to put them through more stress until I had the all clear and could then relay the "story"
On Monday at work, I was feeling so positive, I started to tell my work colleagues about the previous 2 weeks. I kind of wanted them to understand that if I'd been a bit all over the place, they could see why. Not an excuse, but I think a few things at work had got missed.... I was feeling a bit guilty about it all.
Tuesday at 5pm I had my final results from the other tests. Dirk met me at Dr Ben's office and we sat waiting discussing our days so far. We walked in around 5:10pm and sat down. He looked at me and said...

 "unfortunately the results have come back showing Multiple Myeloma"

We were absolutely gobsmacked. I told him I didn't understand, all the previous tests were showing "normal ranges in my blood" He went on to explain the more stringent tests that had been performed which show up a rarer type of Myeloma called non-secretery Multiple Myeloma (NSMM) Harder to detect, but still there.
It was at this point that I think it really started to hit me. Dirk & I had gone through so many emotions in the past two weeks, but nothing prepares you for this moment. All you can do is take a deep breath and keep listening to the diagnosis. How it is going to change your life and whats next.....
And at the same time... all I could think of was how I would tell my family.... how could they cope with another cancer diagnosis in the family in one year ?
After an hour of listening and asking as many questions as we could think of, the decision was to start chemo immediately. I was going onto a cocktail of CTD (cyclophosphamide, thalidomide, dexamethasone) There were forms to fill in and registration number to obtain from the drug company before you can even get a prescription. So it was straight into it. Dr Ben said he'd call me the next day so I could go back in and pick everything up....... and so then we went home.


Looking back to 5 days ago (as I write this) I can't really remember the rest of Tuesday evening. Dirk is amazing and all I know is that he is right there next to me. We hugged, cried, stared a lot and then carried on berating each other as normal !
Wednesday, I got up and went to work. I needed to keep my mind busy and occupied with the day to day stuff that had built up at work. Telling people was hard - especially as I'd pretty much told most people that I was clear. But as always, there's a reason we are called "human kind" the support, kindness and love that everyone showed was overwhelming. I realised how lucky I was to be working in a company that fully supported me both personally and professionally.
Wednesday evening as I drove home from work (as it happened, I couldn't pick up my chemo drugs as the registration hadn't come through) I knew it was time to call home. Dirk was at cricket training so I walked in the door and picked up the phone.
Dad answered, he quickly asked how my back was going so it was straight into the explanation. Needless to say, it was a heart wrenching call. To put that to your dad when they are 25,000kms away and no chance of a hug for comfort is hard. Dad put me straight onto mum as she was obviously watching dad on the phone but couldn't hear what was being said..... so I repeated the news to mum. I didn't want to hang up, but knew they would need some time to process the news. I called them back after an hour and we had a better chat. I wanted them to know how strong and positive I am, that I have Dirk and my friends here and that I'm certainly not alone..... and most importantly that I was going to beat it - I was OK.
We decided that with the time difference, whoever got to speak to Jo or James first would break the news. Jo was on her way home from UK back to NZ after a flying hug visit to see mum. James was in London for work and I didn't want him to find out during his working day.....
I actually felt so much better after speaking to mum and dad. I'm not 100% sure they felt the same, however once we had got over the initial shock, it was very much a "chin up" attitude. 


Thursday was Australia Day - we'd planned to have our housewarming / xmas party on this day. It was going to be 42C and I was cooking 7 roasts !! (for hot roast rolls !! yes I'm an idiot) It was so nice having everyone around - bloody stinking hot, the pool gradually went from quite refreshing to tepid bath water temperature. But, I think it went ok.... hopefully I didn't put a dampener on the mood, but I don't think I did. The wines stayed chilled and when the fireworks started so did mother nature's lightening show too.

I ended up doing a runner to bed halfway through a really nice glass of Henschke Kyneton 2008 with Kim (Dirk's brother) but never mind hey !! ;-)


Drug pick up day was to be Friday.......