It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.......

Sickness and tiredness...... that about sums it up for the past couple of days....
I had a fabulous Wednesday evening. Caught up with an 'old' friend from Geelong (not old in the age sense, old as in we've been friends for 20 years !!) who I haven't seen for six years !! and it was great We had a good chat, nice tea and a couple of wines.... nothing silly, just relaxed. Dirk said he could see why we were friends..... (what did he mean by that !!?)
I took my pills and was in bed before midnight. But by 9am Thursday morning, I was sick ! I felt like a truck had slammed into me. I got up and checked my emails etc. But within an hour I was back in bed, body aching and feeling queasy. By midday I had diarrhoea and felt worse. I managed to drive my friend back to her place, and then straight back home to bed & more sleep. I eventually woke up around 5ish. I still had a runny bottom (euww) and felt pretty crap all round really.
Footy was back and Carlton were playing so I did manage to watch the game and see the mighty Blue boys romp it home with a win - which was nice - but that was about it for the day. Back to bed with an extra blanket......

I woke up throughout the night with continued tummy ache and dashing to the toilet.... very unpleasant !! But by 9am Friday morning ..... I was ok again ! What's that about? As quickly as it came, it was gone again.... Weird !!
So back to normal Friday.... work and pizza night !! I'm still trying to enjoy food.... but at the moment, most things have a slight bitter after taste....

I've managed to keep up to date with mum. She had to go back into hospital last week, but after a few pints of blood and a sleepover, was released back home again. It looks like she'll be starting her chemo sooner than planned too. So we'll be able to share our gripes with each other now !! Perfect !! Mum is going to be going in every week for an infusion, starting with a lower dose to see how she copes. I think she'll be fine :-) We're made of pretty tough stuff us Austin's !! Dad is still being amazing too, watching over mum and running around for her. Love you both xxx
And so to Saturday...... NO CRICKET !!! OMG ...... Dirk has a list as long as his .... <insert something really long here>  and I have to start Cycle 4 today..... other than that we'll just see where the weekend takes us. I'm looking forward to dinner tonight with some good friends. Should be a good evening. Today we have to wash our dogs... Maverick keeps jumping in the pool (well the overflow pond part of the pool) and is getting smelly... Dirk wants to make Hot Cross Buns, so we'll do that too..... pretty mundane sort of stuff.... and then Sunday..... footy, a few chores around the house and some TV no doubt......

“Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub.”

Yawn !!..... wowsers... talk about falling into a heap at the end of the weekend. I haven't been able to do much more than sleep since Sunday, but I think I'm finally beginning to understand the cycle of my drugs a bit more now. The Thalidomide gives me the shakes.... the Dexa's make me moody and irritable and a bit jittery and the Cyclo makes me tired beyond tired, with that sludgy feeling and a little neuropathy. Now if I could just plan my days and meetings around the drugs I'd be better equipped !! The biggest problem is that just as one drug works it's way out of your system, you pump the other one in. And the Thalidomide is daily, so there's no escape from that one at all. Oh well..... cycle 4 next week already.... that's 9 weeks of chemo gone already.
"Time flies when you're having fun..." or so they say !!

The weekend was great, due to the fact that the cricket club had wins and walked away with two flags. But the nicest part for me was sitting in the sun with the girls, chatting and drinking champers. Really quite pleasant. It was a bit tense for a while (the cricket), but all good in the end. Sunday evening Dirk & I went to my bosses house for tea and had a great meal with some great company. Good wines, good food and a good laugh too. We didn't leave until late so by the end of the weekend, I was absolutely exhausted. We had to stop off on the way home to see the boys celebrating at the club..... I have to say.... it was no place for girls..... drunk, naked, sweaty, Emu Bitter drinking males all hugging one another constantly. Lots of male love in the room....  They had already done nude runs down to the freeway and back, greased up the covers and done naked sliding and one of them was covered in a MacDonald's chocolate sundae !! .......need I say more? !!!! and they think girls are bad !!

But the after effects of a feel good week and a good weekend come at a cost.... and the cost was Monday !! I woke exhausted, got up checked my emails and collapsed back into bed and slept again. It was a very difficult day. The neuropathy is weird. It's like you know you should be feeling things but the feelings are numbed. When I'm in the shower, I know that the water is hitting my body, but you can't quite feel it on your body.... and when I stretch my arms out to reach for something, my fingers all tingle. And the jaw and face feelings are just as bad...... when I'm drinking water, it takes a while before my mind associates the drinking action with the feeling. I'm sitting here now trying to remember yesterday and I can hardly do it. I was like a zombie all day. I don't think I functioned very well. I also got a message from my sis to say that mum had gone back into hospital so on top of everything I was also worried about her. It's so bloody shit sometimes, being so far away.... I know they all worry about me, and here I am worrying right back about them. I'll feel better when mum starts to get stronger and is eating (hear that mum !!) We all love being skinny, but mum is just taking it to the extreme !! Time to settle down now Gezza !! We spoke tonight, mum is back home again having had a blood transfusion and some tests. She sounded a lot better and we had a good chat, so at the moment, I'm feeling ok again.
I've slept more today too. I went in to work this morning - sat on a conf call for 1/2 hour that no-one else dialled into !! TFC !! - got through some work until about 1pm then went to lunch with my besty.We had chance to really catch up and talk and I loved it. We spoke weddings, holidays, family, houses, men, women, friends old and new..... all the stuff besties talk about. I got a call from the new GM at a competitor company while I was at lunch to see if I wanted to go and work for them !! haha ... I said thanks but not right now. Then I came home and slept..... again. And I actually feel ok at the moment. I still don't think I'll have any problems sleeping again tonight either. I guess I just have to go with the flow and do what my body is telling me to.
Dirk & I have to organise our engagement party and get the invites out. We have to book caterers and other stuff associated with a party. Not sure Dirk is quite as enthusiastic as me, but I'll whip him into shape and get him excited about it all ..... who doesn't like a party?

(I say) I don't like cricket-a ...... oh no I love it-a yeah ........ I don't like cricket-a ............ no no I love it-a yeah .......

South Perth Cricket Club WACA Grand Final - Day 1
Richardson Park, South Perth.

2nd Grade - 5 for 91 chasing 105
3rd Grade - 3 for 67 chasing 131

OK so that's the cricket out of the way.... had a fab day with the wags... some nice champers, a few nibbles and lots of chat relaxing under the trees in the sun watching both games between to two pitches. Quite a lovely relaxing day.

My week this week has been a much better one (yay me) and so I've been able to throw myself into work and play catch up. Long days, early starts and late finishes earlier in the week slowing down slightly later in the week. The trip to the doc's on Wednesday was still positive. A slow down in the reduced blood test results, but they are still going down, and that's all that matters at the moment. I was also happy when Dr Ben said I could cut my Dexa's by half the amount. So now I've just been taking 5 pills instead of 10 !

Today was Cyclo day.... had a great morning catching up with some very special friends for morning tea. It was gorgeous just to sit on the deck chatting and laughing over a cup of 'rosie lee' The besty also came over with her gorgeous girls who were just beautiful this morning. Relaxed, funny and happy - I just love them when they're like that. My aunty skills improve no end !!! And I got pessies too :-) Not that that matters at all...... but we all like presses don't we ?? !! hee hee!!

The gorgeous Callie & Lil Miller

At around 4 ish the Cyclo effects started to kick in.... groan.... I'd kind of forgotten how they affect me after such a good week. But the memories soon came flooding back !! The first sign is the shakes..... they came on with a vengeance. Then the internal feeling of a silent jackhammer inside me started. There's no headaches (so not like a hangover) just the constant feeling that your blood all around your body is being shaken .... not stirred...... and then, after that the surging through my upper jaw. Like there's a bit of a vice like squeeze happening..... slowly and not painfully.... just a slight pull - it even stretches to the back of my eyes.



But one of the nicest things at the moment, is the compliments I keep getting. Everyone is telling me how healthy and well I look. It's hard taking compliments sometimes, but it really is very nice to hear. I feel OK most of the time. And I'm very happy with my weight progress (40kg's now !!) I wore my first pair of size 12 jeans to work yesterday !! wahoo !! It really is a fantastic feeling. If I could just get the last 3kg's off, I'd be at my goal weight. But at the moment, I'm not focussing on my weight loss so much as my health. So it's not a priority. If it happens, it will.


Tomorrow is back to the cricket to watch the final day.... and fingers crossed a couple of flags to bring home too. Then next week we're just not going to know what to do with ourselves. No cricket for 6 months !! sheeeeettttt !!! WTF !!! hahaha. I know there's a few girls that are going to be happy to see the end of this season. I won't lie that I'm not one of them. But at the same time, I know how important all these boys are to Dirk. I know how much they mean to each other and that their friendships and the club mean more to each other than us girls will ever understand. So what do you do.... let them play I suppose..... we have 6 months to get over it. We'll probably feel differently by October and be happy to see the back of them on weekends again !! lol !! At least we get to shop and they don't have a leg to stand on !!...... bwhahaha !!!

Tonight's sunset.....

Quick chinky take-away for tea.... some TV on the box and I'm ready for bed..... I have some champers in the fridge, chilling for us tomorrow, so will need a good night's sleep before I embark on another day... hopefully will be another good day .....

The sunset tonight was amazing.....

What's the first sign of madness?........ Suggs walking up your driveway........!!!

I've been very busy at work this week, and actually feeling relatively good too. I kind if wish I'd felt this good last week, but hey.... shouldn't complain. And so.... with feelings of normalcy has come 10 hour days at work. It's been just like the old days !!! .and I've kind of enjoyed it .. oh hello Suggs :-) !!

I had my Dr's appointment today, he's going away on Saturday to UK for 4 weeks so I'll be going it alone until he gets back. But the results from my bloods were going well still. This month I'm at Kappa 144 mg/l (down from 175mg/l last visit) So pretty good... still dropping. We asked him about what level it needs to be at before starting the stem cell replacement, he said that it didn't need to be at any particular level, just consistently dropping. Which it is. I think he forgot to send through the referral to the Stem Cell Dr as he didn't have a copy of it, and asked me to fax through the referral letter he gave to me so he could follow up.... Dr's !!! He is still thinking only a couple of months away until I start that. All our other questions were answered and I got my new scripts for more chemo and my next appointment booked for Zometa (eeuuww) I told him about my shakes and really bad chemically druggy feelings and he has told me to drop the amount of Dexamethsone that I'm taking. I was concerned that if I started taking less then the chemo won't be as effective, but he assured me that there have been good results from other people taking these amounts. So now I only have to have five Dexa's on the days I have it (which is days 1-4 & 12-15) I see him again on 24th April ......

I chatted to my bridesmaid in Dubai today - she put a big smile on my face, even though it was only a quick chat. Hopefully we'll be able to Skype later in the week and catch up. We may even discuss some wedding stuff !! I've been thinking that Dirk & I may have to start looking for wedding venues as that really is going to be the hardest thing to book. So a trip down to Margaret River may be in order :-)
Cricket finishes this weekend - and I won't lie to you, I am just a tiny bit happy about it !!! We get our weekends back and can do stuff....  like go down south for a weekend maybe. I've asked Nickers to look out for any dresses she might like. As I have absolutely no idea what bridesmaids might want to wear. Not even the colour scheme..... maybe a Skype call will be a good idea !!! Or maybe I should get a wedding planner... hmmm......

This weekend is going to be all about cricket finals. Hopefully there'll be a few of the wags down at the club. And hopefully there'll be some champers organised for us all. It goes over Saturday & Sunday so I'm thinking Sunday will be the day for me. Saturday I'm hoping to go for a facial / massage / pedicure somewhere.... if I can get in at late notice. I'll have to see if I can find somewhere nice. And then I think a little lie in the sun will be in order. It's definitely beginning to cool down now. When I tell you the temp... you people in the colder climates are going to scoff at me..... but Perth people know what I'm saying !! Today was only 26C !! thats cooling down. Sat & Sun are looking to only be 24C & 25C - that's almost jeans and jumper weather !! brrrrrr........

I found my old diary the other day - written every day from 1987 to 1989..... this day in '87 my best friend had to have her dog put down :-( very sad (Ser that was Copper) and on this day in '88 I was on a beauty therapy trip to Blackpool !! We all went there to watch hair competitions (yep I really did) but afterwards when it was time to leave, we had to leave without two of the girls as they didn't come back to the bus.... (Sam & Sioban) haha .... for those of you that know Sammy, no surprises there !!! Hilarious. I think they might have nipped for a quick drink and then got lost trying to find the bus !! They got the last train back and got in at 2:30am !!! those were the days...... there is some VERY juicy stuff in this diary.... I might share some more..... but then I may have to kill you !! <joke>

Well seeing as it is now 1:50am, I think I might try and get some shut eye..... we got our new chairs today for the new table - I think they look fab....

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction........

and so to remember everything I'd just written over the past two days..... I was clicking "save" but it obviously wasn't saving !!! grrrrr.... I lost the lot !!

I started with the birthday - Thursday - I went to work and managed to get through morning tea of sausage rolls, tim tams and cake.... then went out for a nice quiet lunch with my friend, caught up on a little more work then made it home where I crashed out on the couch and slept. Dirk was at cricket but came home early with a pizza for tea. He chose a beautiful pancetta & blue cheese one, which ordinarily I would have found yummy, but at the time all I could think of was salt & heartburn !! So what did he do? He went straight back to the pizza shop and bought me a different one.... even knowing I'd only have one slice !! bless him :-) ...... a little while later, birthday was over and I went to bed.... It hadn't been the best day, but not much you can do about that. 

Friday was slightly better (feeling wise) I trundled off to work again. Mornings these days are a real struggle. I am so totally wiped out in the mornings. It takes me a good hour to fully wake up. My eyes are puffy and my body feels sluggish as well as my back aching and tight. But I managed it in by about 9:30am and got straight into the day. I was determined not to feel crap. I had dinner to look forward to in the evening. I figure that sometimes you can fool your body into believing that you feel great.... if you keep telling yourself enough you start to believe it !!

Balthazar

Balthazar was fabulous.... great company, great food and great evening. I have to rave about the food as it was absolutely exquisite.... Dirk had fillet steak that cut like soft butter, Bec & Ben had the Duck and I had Pork with black pudding and scallops.... just divine !! Ben & I shared a beautiful bottle of Gaja - Sito Moresco Langhe which was just a fab as the food.... mmmmm.... 

If anyone is looking for somewhere special to go to I would highly recommend Balthazar - we loved it. 

The Pork

The Duck

The Steak

Saturday was Day8 of Cycle 3 which means drug day <groan>.... 10 X Cycloblastin. (as well as the daily normal + daily vitamins) I did what I usually do on a drug day... hit the shops !! It's easier than sitting at home waiting for the effects to kick in. If I'm mindlessly wandering around I don't tend to feel quite as much intensity as they take hold. And I can forget about everything and just meander around without having to talk or think about anything. I managed to find some bargains for Dirk from FCUK & Country Road which were very well received, and found a couple of bargains for myself. But.... I have one problem that I'd like to share with you all...... WHY do girls wear racer back tops and normal bra's?? Hello.... has anyone told them?  The bra straps look ridiculous !! If you are wearing a racer back, then get a bra that has the same straps or wear a strapless bra.... I saw so many girls with this look - and it looks crap !! Now I realise that I am not the worlds biggest fashionista .... BUT even I know that you need to glance at your rear view before you leave the house. I cannot believe how many girls don't know this rookie rule. There are exceptions to the rule  - like in the gym - BUT not in a shopping centre when clearly you have not been near a gym in decades..... I had a second issue yesterday too, but cannot remember what it was now.... I've been wracking my brain, but it escapes me..... I'll let you know when I remember!! 

The rest of my Saturday was once again spent sleeping before Dirk & I hit the kitchen and whipped up a little Goulash and Nockerl (Hungarian dumplings) in the Thermomix.... delicious !! I also baked a apricot and apple crumble and custard for dessert as Dirk had been harping on about one (well had asked once... heh heh).

And so to Sunday..... 11am I woke up this morning !! Sleep really is my best friend at the moment. The nightly Thalidomide really wipes me out. It takes about an hour to take hold (after taking it) and approx 15-20 hours before I feel like I'm awake. Which doesn't leave too many hours in between.... 

We went to watch South Perth at the cricket today - three teams were in the semi's and now there are two in the finals next week. Hopefully at least one of them will win a flag.... they have to !!

I have bloods and Dr Ben this week. Last appointment until May as he's going away for April. Hopefully we'll see more good results. I have more Zometa to look forward to this month (Not!) and an appointment with a Dr from Royal Perth Hospital about the stem cell replacement. I can't wait until all this is over. I'm sure my mum feels the same..... her chemo looks like being bought forward as there's been some changes for her. I just hope it all goes ok.... I'm here mum for any questions or just to offload or chat :-)

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection..... Dalai Lama

Today is day 46 of chemo already......I've been trying so hard this week to be more ......... more what? relaxed, less bitchy, less tetchy? all of the above I suppose.... It's bloody hard sometimes. My body says one thing and my mind says another. Most of the time I just fly off the handle and say things without thinking - so this is what I've been working on !! The shakes, jitters, tiredness, sluggishness and complete malaise continue to plague my days and nights. This is the only thing that is the constant reminder of what is going on.... and there's no escape from it. Mostly I try to forget about it, but by the end of each day, I'm drained and dreading the thought of taking another pill. Because then the cycle starts all over again..... I really don't know how anyone could do this alone.... I am so lucky to have the support around me in Dirk and my friends.

I have pretty much lost most of my taste buds now.... so food or rather the satisfaction of tasting food, is becoming harder to reach. I taste initially, then as quick as the taste hits my mouth it is gone again. Now for someone that eats because they love the taste of food and not because I'll die if I don't eat, this is major for me.  It's getting harder and harder to find the right thing to eat. Nothing that used to satisfy does the job any more. So I'm looking to new tastes and foods for inspiration.... as yet haven't found it though !! I see things on the food channel and I think I might like them, but once I've tried to recreate them I can't tell if they were any good or not. At the end of a meal I have to ask Dirk if it tasted any good. A clean plate usually tells the story that it was pretty good..... at least someone is getting to enjoy it !!

Our little Maverick has gone to get his nuts chopped off today (ouch) so for the next 10 days we'll have a 29kg puppy loose in the house with a bucket on his head !!! something to look forward to !! I imagine there'll be big gouges of plaster taken out of walls, knocked off displays and accidental breakages as he leaves a path of destruction wherever he travels. But we love him so all will be OK.....

It's now Wednesday evening and Dirk has just walked in with my birthday pressie...... and tadaaaaa !!!

This is it !!! a new Mac Book Air :-) awesome.... I can now blog away without having to worry about a big laptop on my knees and without the hassle of using the iPad which doesn't type well and won't save my blogs easily. i LOVE it !!! fanTASTic !! The boy just keeps getting better and better !!! I think he was more excited about giving it to me. I was happy to wait until tomorrow, he's been trying to give me the present since yesterday !! hee her.

Birthday tomorrow too !! A day at the office, I will probably have to supply the staff with birthday cake and sausage rolls for morning tea..... maybe a little lunch time catch up and a quiet evening. We are going out to celebrate on Friday night, once the working week is over and we can relax without the "school night" feeling hanging over our heads. I'm looking forward to our dinner.

Saturday is cricket again.... and Sunday too .... it's finals time, so nearly over.... Once over we are going to have an engagement party at home. I'm thinking a nice, elegant little champagne / cocktail evening at sunset. Our friends, some choice nibbles and lots of bubbles.... hopefully before all the warm weather goes away. Maybe over Easter.... we'll see.

Maverick is now home. He's a little more quiet tonight... probably a little sore (poor fella) We haven't had to put the bucket on yet. He's been too droopy. But I guess tomorrow will be the day when he's more.... inquisitive as to what's been taken away !! Hopefully we'll be able to let them heal before he attacks the stitches.  Time to go to bed now on the final day of my 41st year..... 42 tomorrow..... I hope it's a good year !!

Some days are slippy, other days sloppy.......... Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy......... Your skin is white but you think you're a brother....... Some days are better than others

Well I'm glad that week is over !! Talk about a hellish one.... not good. But the dark clouds seemed to have lifted when I woke this morning... so I'm feeling like I've come out of the eye of the storm. There will probably be more storms before the year is over.... but hopefully we'll get a few weeks of fine weather in !

Ok enough of that crap.... but it really was a bad week. If you haven't read already, it started out with complete exhaustion, followed by the Zometa infusion episode (knock-me-down flu like symptoms) and the Jekyll & Hyde and emotional personality disorders I've been experiencing too. Dirk nearly asked for the ring back I think!

It's been very tough emotionally for me.... Wednesday at the cancer clinic really hit me, it made it just a little bit more real for me. And it was hard to take. I started to think about what's ahead, stared to read up on the next steps, read blogs from other MM patients..... That coupled with all the other shit that was surging through me took it's toll. I got depressed and then angry and then depressed again that all this has happened to me. Did I do something majorly wrong to deserve it? Have I been so bad in life that Karma saw that I deserved cancer? I thought it was enough that our family should have to be there for mum and be able to support her, but now to be split across the world and not be able to be there for each other sucks big time. It really isn't fair sometimes..... I'm worried about all sorts of stuff.... obviously me, my health, Dirk, work, money, mum, dad, planning my wedding.... my sanity.... everything. You don't have to tell me not to worry about all these things... I know, I know.... but I'm just saying. This is whats in my head.

But as I said in the beginning... today was better. Even though Dirk had cricket, he chose to stay home (yes he did !!!) and we had a good day. Not in the most relaxing sense, but a good day. We got some long overdue chores finished. A few bits in the garden (Dirk) and a major closet clean out/up. Threw out even more fat clothes and tided out everything. It is now Ay-may-zing !! Sorted into summer / winter, work / casual / going out, pants / skirts / dresses. Just fab !! - Jo you would be proud !! And we finished it all off with a nice piece of slow cooked pork marinated in sticky bourbon bbq sauce and rice.... delicious.
I started cycle 3 of chemo yesterday, so have been pretty shaky and jittery this afternoon. When I eat now, I get the first taste of food, but then that's it.... nothing after the first bit when it hits your tongue. No after taste, no further flavours. Chilli is becoming a problem as it burns. And if anything is too salty all I get is the salt. Like a piece of ham tastes like a slice of salt..... so my choices are now a bit more decided, instead of random.

And so I embark on my birthday week :-) yay !! It's Thursday... just so you all remember ;-).... I'm really hoping it'll be a better week. I feeling like it will be. Dirk has booked at Balthazar Restaurant (a beautiful place and one of our favourites) on Friday night. Should be good. I might even wear my new frock again. It probably needs a dry clean first, but I can get that done this week.....

Well it's nearly 11pm so I'm off to bed.... night night...

Day44....