I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour.... but heaven knows I'm miserable now....

"The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about."
Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.

So I just spent the past hour writing only for it all to disappear before I saved !! Grrrr.... I'll try and remember what I wrote the first time. I think it went something a little like this.....

My day started off ok today. Got up had a coffee and took to the computer and phone for work. Took a handful of pills then into the office for a quick meeting. All relatively sedate and normal. Came home and did some more work. Our new outdoor table arrived, we even got the handover of the pool done (5th attempt and still not completely finished) I got to go for a massage & facial this evening. Quite lovely it was :-) what a fab day I can hear you all cry.....With the warm weather still going strong at around 7:30 (35C)Dirk & I hit the pool for a quick cool down ... But why as the sun is setting on a beautiful day do I turn into the pms-Kathy-Bates-bunny-boiler-bitch-from-hell ?? It's like something washes over me & I can't control it. For absolutely no reason I get annoyed. And snap. And say sarcastic things. Now I know I've said this before and for those of you that know me ... I know what you're thinking.... "well that's just normal Vixen" but it's just horrible. I can hear myself saying things that I don't want to say, but I just say them out loud anyway. I know it's upsetting Dirk. And so now I'm upset too. And it's my fault. The shit thing about these drugs is the complete unknown way that they affect you. I mean, most of the time I'm feeling ok. There's the fuzziness I've felt and a bit of a buzzy feeling in my limbs. But nothing too major. But then you start to reflect and realize its not just the physical feelings, but all the mental stuff it's doing too. Who knows how it really affects you. My mind has not stopped this week. Every waking moment has been taken up with a cacophony of thoughts and lists of things to do. I'm sure my mind is working like spaghetti junction. (All over the place and hard to see the right direction you want to be headed in) as of tomorrow I have to double the dose of my Thalidomide too. God only knows how that will affect me (gulp) as well as take full doses of everything else. Poor Dirk !! Maybe it's best he's at cricket all day.

Im thinking of taking up painting. For the days when I either can't sleep or just for the escapism. Could be a hoot to see what my brain spits out onto canvas. I have a voucher to use for an acrylics painting class at the local college. And now I don't have any travel plans for the next couple of months, it could be the perfect time to start. Watch out family you might all get a piece of art for Christmas this year !! Hahaha "one for the toilet maybe"

Next will have to be the bucket list made. It will be nice to have a wish list of things to do & see. Why don't we do these things when we're all ok? It takes a life changing announcement for you to start taking charge of what you really want to do, we all get caught up in the rat race of day to day life, and procrastinate over nice stuff that you dream about doing. It should be the other way around.....

I have my friends Hens Day tomorrow. A day at the races with the girls. Should be a fab day and many a laugh had too. Can't wait.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you."
Winnie the Pooh.


Day14 ....