It's Not Right but It's Okay.....

Poor Whitney.... what a tragic end. No doubt the next few weeks are going to be full of replays, reflections, repeats and anything else starting with "re" about Whitney Houston. I know what they mean about prescription pills and bath's though... blimey, if I was to sit in a bath today, I reckon I'd go under too (too soon?) I'm feeling quite wobbly and fuzzy and jittery today. Probably the worse day I've had so far. Last night I doubled my dose of the Thalidomide.... and POW!!! talk about putting a twist on things. I have the shakes quite badly so far and my head is in such a haze, I'm really struggling to concentrate. But at what point do you think, "I can't work?" I mean, what if I have much worse days than this and so need a day off later on. It's hard to know when to take time and when to plough ahead and just keep going..... so for now I'm ploughing.... but I'm not sure how I'm going to last. If I tell anyone, they will just say "go home" so I'm not telling anyone (shhh it's just between you and me !!)

It's been a tough couple of days emotionally at home. I've been so immensely irritable and unfortunately Dirk has been on the receiving end of all the irritability. It's lead to tears and frustration on my part and that horrible feeling that you keep hurting someone you love for no reason. I'm not sure that Dirk is dealing with it too well, and who can blame him.... he didn't sign up for this either !! It really is quite shit sometimes.... I think it's the fact that it all gets thrust upon you without any warning. So you have absolutely no idea what is about to happen, or how you are going to feel. One day all is fine... and then the next it's not. One day you feel great, then the next day it's just all too hard. Yesterday, I felt fine for most of the day. I was expecting to wake up with a monster hang-over. But I was fine - apart from the 2:30am - 6:30am insomnia - We had a lovely morning coffee outside and Dirk's parents came over. Then we got ready and went to The Left Bank for a little late lunch and a glass of vino.... this is when I started to feel not so good. I started to get clammy and the shakes. Skipped on the wine and left Nixon to finish the bottle (she didn't protest either) and after a few waters, came good again. It was a lovely afternoon. But by 5:30pm it was too loud for us old duck's and we left for the quiet comfort of the home balcony and the peaceful view of the river :-) Had a couple of wines at home, but by 9pm I was well and truly ready to hit the sack.....

And so here I am struggling to concentrate and trying really hard to appear normal !! I really should be making a list of things I have to do so I don't forget.... actually, I think I made a list on the weekend, but I can't remember what was on it now or where it is !! I'm worried about the next few months... what is it all going to be like? how am I going to feel? will it get better or worse? will I be constipated for ever? will I ever live that last comment down? I guess it's just down to a bad feeling day... like Whitney said... "It's not right but it's okay"

It's Dirk's birthday tomorrow so I intend to have a fabulous day. We're off out with our lovely friends for a romantic dinner for five. And it will be all about him. Although can you believe it.... his bloody present has been delayed by one month !! ONE frickin month !! I had it all organised, all ordered and it was all going to be fab and special. So I'm devo now that I won't be able to give him his pressie on his birthday. And Dirk gets to berate me about the fact that 5 out of the past 10 gifts I've organised for him have been delayed !! DOH !! Maybe I'll buy him Whitney's greatest hits as a fill in present.... wonder if I can get a copy anywhere....?

Pic from Day16....