And won't you kiss me..... On that midnight street....... Sweep me off my feet...... Singing ain't this life so sweet

When I was a little girl ... about 4-5 years old.... our nana would take my sister and I to the Harvest Festival at the local church in Castle Donington. There would be vegetables and flowers all over the church. Displays made out of seeds, fruit and vegetables. I don't remember much else about it. Just that cool, calm feeling in the church, voices echoing, the sunlight shining through the stained glass windows.... and my nana holding my hand so I wouldn't do my normal disappearing act, which I always did if i was free of a hand. My grand-dad was a market gardener, so Harvest Festival was always an occasion that was close to nana's heart.
That was all I knew about "harvesting" until this past week...... 
This latest harvesting experience was not about vegetables or flowers though. It was about plasma..... white blood cells... and stem cells. Building up the amounts so they could be sucked out of me and put on ice. So that in a few weeks I can have them put back in. This is the new harvesting in my life.
The flu like symptoms were the worst on Saturday. Fever, aches, headache, bone pain. It was awful. I went to bed wrapped up with PJ's on, electric blanket on and heater on. This was still not enough. At 2:30 am I was still awake and not feeling good at all. I had a temperature of 38.6C at one point. But most of the night it stayed around 37.5 - 38C. I woke up in the morning soaked through.... I had sweated so badly overnight, I'm surprised I hadn't given myself an electric shock from the electric blanket !! .... But I actually felt good. I got up and had a hot shower.... by the time I had changed and freshened up I was really feeling 100% better.  
The injections over the week were administered by Dirk. He became really good at it. One tip.... don't rush the injections. It is less painful by just taking the time to do it slowly and easily. The bone pain became manageable eventually with paracetamol. I had to walk slowly as any jerking on the body sent pain through your skeletal system. Mainly the sternum, ribs and spine area. A little in my legs - not much in arms or anywhere else. But I did get neck pain and head spins from moving my head too quickly.
So as I said... Sunday I was feeling pretty good. We decided to go and look at a couple of wedding venues in the Swan Valley. It was a beautiful sunny day. Although it was a bit cheesy with all the stretch limo's, Wedding singers, cake decorators, wedding planners...etc ...etc... we did have a laugh. AND... we think we may have found a venue..... and a date !! WAHOO !!! It's actually feeling a little bit more exciting now. I think I could get into the wedding planning shite... 
Onto Monday....7am we were on the road to pathology for the blood tests. Hospital, blood testing and potential harvesting day.... I say "potential" because based on the blood test results, the actual harvesting may or may not take place. There is a three day window for the harvesting, so if the blood results are not good enough on the first day, then they send you home to continue with the injections and repeat the process the next day. My blood test results were good so I was in for the harvesting. 
I also met another MM patient that I had met the week prior - he was on exactly the same cycle as me. We saw him at pathology and then in the Haematology Care Centre we got to chatting. (and swapped numbers) He had also had a rough weekend. Infact the symptoms had resulted in him going to Emergency on Saturday night with the fever, sweating and bone pain. Unfortunately the emergency department did not see his condition as an emergency and did not attend to him at all. He ended up leaving and going home.... this is not a good sign for the future !!

Harvesting means that you have two cannula's (one in each arm) inserted. One for blood out and the other for blood back in. In between the two arms was an "Aphorises" machine called "Freida" There is also one called "Agnetha" in the department.... anyone seeing something here? Dirk said he saw an old looking retired machine called Bjorn near the toilet.... No idea where Benji was !!
I was hooked up at about 10am onto Frieda and my new friend was across the room hooked up onto Agnetha. The cannula's went int easily and we were off...... well not quite. every time my nurse walked away. Frieda had a meltdown and red lights started flashing.... and my blood stopped flowing. When on this machine you have to sit with both arms straight. No bending as this sties the blood flow. The only thing that stopped this from happening was if I sat up straight. No slumping. I was laughing saying that mum must have been watching as I was always in trouble for slouching !! So after a disastrous first hour I was up and running. My mate across the room already had plasma collected in his "drip bag" ..... I was jealous as mine was still empty. Where's the fun without a bit of competition? But we were on our way......
The next five hours were not fun..... as I couldn't move, it gradually became more and more difficult. On top of the fact that I was to stay as still as possible, I also started to react to the anti-coagulant that they transfused back into me along with the left over blood after the stem cell's were skimmed off. The reaction to this was a pins and needles like feeling throughout my body, but mainly in my face, neck, legs and thighs. I was warned that I could get this reaction and that my lips tingling would be the sign. As I am such a brave thing and the tingling did not start in my lips, I may have been delayed in telling my nurse that this was happening. And so by the time I was hooked up to the added calcium infusion to assist in the tingling, my body was crawling..... and I still couldn't move. This all happened around 12:30pm. Little did I know that I still had another four hours of harvesting to sit through. 
Needless to say I was pretty uncomfortable for the next few hours. I managed to hold back a pee until around 3pm, but realising that I still had a while to go, I asked for the commode to be rolled in. A little embarrassing, but at least I didn't have wind or need a <cough> number two !! The tingling / pins and needles did not subside after the 1st litre of calcium, so I had to have another litre bag out into the IV. Finally at 4:20pm we had collected enough plasma / white blood cells / stem cells to be considered a "good collection." We had reached "target". The cannula's were removed and O...M...G.... I was finally able to move my arms. They were soooo numb. I was tired, headachy and stiff. I was the last one out.
During the collection, I was also able to chat to the Nurse Practitioner about the stem cell implant phase. We set a date for the implant and I got all of my questions answered. 
I have to say the nurses and staff at the haemo clinic are really amazing. They give personal care and never make you feel like just another patient. Names are remembered as are previous conversations and snippets of information. 
My implant starts on 30th July..... 
And so I returned home.... and have spent the past two days at home sleeping and relaxing. I got a call yesterday to say the quality of my collection was good and I was not required to go back in. This was also good news as I had to continue the growth hormone injections just in case I would have to go back in. 
Today was the first day in 165 days that I have not had to take any cancer related drugs.... and it has been a good feeling day. 

Is it getting better? ..... Or do you feel the same? ..... Will it make it easier on you now? ..... You got someone to blame .....

So....... the chemo and injections? hmmmm...... what to say !! It all started off ok. And to be honest has been alright...ish. 

Last Friday was the chemo day - I've already covered all that malarky. No need to waste keystrokes repeating all of it again. Tuesday I started the injections of 'Nivestim' - these are the growth hormones that I self inject morning and night to promote the stem cell production - prior to the harvesting. Actually when I said "I" started the injections.... what I meant to say was that Dirk started stabbing me !! much (I'm sure) to his delight. There were also all of the other drugs around last Friday's chemo that seem to have gone ok. I haven't had too much heartburn and I think my uterus is ok - how do you tell?

Anyway, back to the injections..... all good until around Wednesday night. I started with a headache when I went to bed. And by the morning had a really bad one. I'd slept really heavily Tuesday night and felt really groggy all day Wednesday. Thursday morning felt achey in my body all day and after Thursday evening's injection only slept for 3 hours before lying awake for the rest of the night. The feeling is like a body slamming flu - without the fever or chills bit. It's between a 'flu like feeling' and an 'aching from over exercising' feeling (Yes I do know what that feels like !!) ..... and now.... Friday evening ...... I just feel fragile. It's harder to walk as my spine hurts. All my larger limbs ache ..... but most of all my ribs and spine. Paracetamol is my new best friend. 

You know what I like about writing a blog..... you can whinge about every little thing. I can put it out there, share it with the world without actually saying a word. I think I should change my title to "vixenaus - my multiple myeloma whinge-fest" At least that way I'm not false advertising either. It's clear that when you see the title of my blog.... you are going to have to read about me moaning and whinging about shit. No surprises. 

I was wrapping a present today for a gorgeous friend. And all of a sudden had a flash back to December last year when I helped mum wrap all of her Christmas pressies. Flood gates opened and I had a 'mum memory meltdown'. These are going to become part of life now I think. It wasn't the first one, but it was probably the most hard hitting one I've had so far. And because it took it by complete surprise. It took my breath away. I must say though, mum would have been very happy with the gift wrapping. It was very Gerry !!

I was also accused of "over-sharing" last week. Too much information being published and shared. But I've always been a big over-sharer. Always worn my heart on my sleeve and let people know exactly what mood I was in. We are living on a world of over-sharing. Even the least exciting people share their dirty laundry. I personally blame BB,  Geordie Shore, TOWIE and all of those other Dirty Laundry Airer's. (And looking forward to the return of BB too btw !!!) I can always stop my blog and close down Facebook. But my dad has just joined and I'd miss all his updates !!! And anyway..... the person that accused me of this also laughed at me when I put on a beanie to cover my awful thinning chemo hair this week. So who's side are you all on now?? ha !! 

Off for the harvesting on Monday. Only 2 days left of injections !! yay !! I'm having my hair cut tomorrow. I haven't lost it, and to the untrained eye it probably looks about the same. But it is soooo thin now and whispy. So I thought I'd just get it cropped. If I like it I'll share.... if I don't.... I'll probably still share.... seeing as I'm an "over-sharer" !!

Such is the way of the world...You can never know.... Just where to put all your faith.... And how will it grow? .....Gonna rise up ....Burning black holes in dark memories....Gonna rise up...Turning mistakes into gold...

It's been an interesting week. Trying to come to terms with mum's death. It still seems all so surreal. Things at back at home in UK are settling (I think... do they ever?) My sis is back home with her kids in NZ and I guess all we can do now is start to move on, with our beautiful memories and know that she will always be in our minds..... and not too far away from each of us. I was talking to my sis the other day and we talked about how it is going to hit us over and over again at different times. The first time dad comes out to visit ..... but mum isn't with him. The first birthday, first Christmas in fact every one of those occasions time and time again. I chatted with one of my besties last night. He was at mum's funeral so it was nice to chat about it from his point of view. One of the things he said was that it was a fantastic do. Not too maudlin and sad at all. IN fact the only person missing was mum !! haha. She would have loved it. We had a few tears and a laugh - it was good. 
I spoke to dad this week too. He seems to be going really well. My bro and sil and nephew are heading down again this weekend. They are taking nephew (aged 2) to Thomas (the Tank) World. I'm not sure who will be the most excited... dad or brother !! Dad also mentioned he had received close to £3000 in donations to mum's Bladder Cancer Foundation UK and to The Leukaemia Foundation of Australia. This is fanTASTic - thank you to everyone that has donated. I think there are also people that have donated directly online to both.
This past week I have been drug / chemo free for six whole days and for the first time in over five months had started to feel less fuzzy and foggy. Even Dirk mentioned my acerbic wit had returned. We found ourselves laughing and joking like "before". The regular banter was back on.... it was good. We also had some fantastic news that some very close friends are going to have a baby. With all the sadness that had been around, this was such great news and we were very happy for them.

Seeing as I was staring Autologous Stem Cell Replacement this week, and I also wasn't sure how it was all going to pan out, I thought it best to advise work that I may or may not be back in for a while. As I've said quite a few times, they have been absolutely amazing.... so I left work on Thursday - prior to starting treatment on Friday - complete with laptop, paperwork and lots of best wishes. We went out for dinner as my taste buds were back for the first time in ages and my iron count was lower, so what do you do? ..... go out for a steak !! We found a fab little place locally and had an amazing meal.
I think the people around me have been more nervous about the start of this stage than me. I haven't been scared or nervous at all. It may because there really isn't a great deal of information on what actually happens in the first stage..... or should I say the way it makes you feel....so by not really knowing what happens, and by feeling pretty good - albeit sad about everything that has been going on - I'm in a pretty positive stage of mind. 
Tuesday this week I had to go for a heart scan - it was a little like an MRI.... first they inject die into you and I had to sit for about 1/2 hour for it to pulsate through my veins. Then lie on a scanning machine, very still for about 20 mins and they take pictures from a noisy machine.
Back to the hospital on Thursday for a lung function test. This one took a little more effort. Lots of huffing and puffing while hooked up to a machine. If one result wasn't good enough, then I had to repeat until it was !! Some of the other test were "take the average reading of six attempts" So after an hour of that I was told I could go..... to pathology for more blood tests. Luckily I managed to beat the rush and was in and out (with another band aid on the other arm) in 20 minutes...... Luckily I made it back to work for a meeting with MD / COO with some interesting company news. It was so interesting that I had to miss a pre-booked lunch engagement with half of Perth's mining elite. Never mind I go every month so there'll be more. And I had also vowed not to drink this week - in order to cleanse my liver - so missing the lunch meant I wasn't tested with the offer of vino on tap at every table.....
So ..... Friday.... up and at it early so we could get to hospital. We made it on time and got a park outside the back door which always seems to have free parking spots.(probably because it's $2.50 an hour) but we weren't sure how long we were going to be there so we thought "what the hell". Into the Haematology Care Centre where we were welcomed, and the sat and waited for our turn. I was called a few minutes later and showed to my IV chair. My nurse remembered me from my bone marrow biopsy the previous week. She spent a few minutes letting us know what I was going to go through. 
1st - some Dexamethasone via the IV - 20 mg
2nd - and anti-nausea drug
3rd - Mesna - to protect the bladder (the chemo can cause irritation and sometimes bleeding - like cystitis)
4th - Cyclophosphamide - the chemo drug
All of the above were given over 4 1/2 hours along with approx 5 litres of fluids too.
So I was in the chair for about 4 hours. But it was comfortable as went prepared with iPad, iPhone and Dirk !! He spent most of the time entertaining the people around him and the nurses. Everyone had a "buddy" with them. It was a warm and happy environment. The nurses were caring and very informative if you had questions. It was nice.

I was sent home with two bags of drugs... a list of instructions and a hope that Dirk understood everything that was required !! I didn't feel too bad, better than I was expecting.
The growth hormone injections start on Tuesday. Twice a day for 10 days. These injections help to stimulate the production of bone marrow, to the point that it causes bone pain as it over fills the bone cavity and spills out into your blood stream. This is when stage two starts.....and I will go into more detail about this later....... 24 hours later I'm still feeling OK. I'm "just" beginning to wonder if I might take a Metoclopromide drug (for anti-sickness) as I've just had a bit of a burgh feeling as I've been writing this.....
Next week I'm working from home and going to see how I go. Then on 9th I'm back in for the harvesting part. I have a feeling (based on what the nurses said) that I'll then have a couple of weeks off before the implant happens. So I'll probably go back into work for a couple of weeks. Again... play it by ear....
Not much planned for now.... Dirk has upgraded his iPad today - Noice !!
Once again, I have to say thank you to everyone that has been sending me good wishes and messages. The past couple of weeks have been a roller coaster. I haven't responded to too many messages. But please know that I appreciate each and every message and they really help. I smile when each one comes in. So please don't stop !! xxxx Vix 

This life well it's slipping right through my hands...... These days turned out nothing like I had planned..........

sad (sd) adj. sad·der, sad·dest 1. Affected or characterised by sorrow or unhappiness. 2. Expressive of sorrow or unhappiness.

grief [griːf]

n

1. Deep or intense sorrow or distress, esp at the death of someone

The past two weeks have been ........ sad, surreal, awful, emotional, lonely, tearful. There are so many words that don't seem sufficient for what I've been feeling. I still don't really think it's sunk in that I've lost my mum. I still picture her at home with dad. Still think about her all the time, still think that I can just pick up the phone and call her, and then I have to tell myself that she's gone. And I won't be able to speak to her again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over that. How does any daughter (or son) cope with that feeling?
The funeral was last Thursday and that was the worst day. I lay awake most of the night crying because I wasn't there. Crying because my dad had lost his best friend - the one that he'd been with since 1959. But most of all because we are just going to miss her so bloody much. Apparently, at the funeral there was standing room only. So many people were there that my family were overwhelmed. But I guess it's not really surprising as my parents have soooo many friends. And she was so incredibly loved by all the people that met her.
One of the nice things that has happened, is the amount of donations that have come in. Dad has asked that instead of flowers, people donate to either bladder cancer (UK) or leukaemia foundation (Australia) and when I spoke to him on Saturday he said they'd had over £1800 in donations to the two charities. 
Here in Australia, we decided to have a morning tea for mum so her friends here (and myself) could say goodbye too. It was sad, happy and lovely. Just having some of mum's friends around me helped. She really did know some beautiful people.
On Saturday, I slept until 1:30pm !! 
And now, I have just 4 days before I start stem cell replacement. Last Thursday I took my last Thalidomide for a while (I may have to continue taking it again later) and on Friday I go in for a dose of chemotherapy before being sent home with growth hormone injections for 10 days. Then I return to hospital for the stem cell harvesting..... it's going to be an interesting journey!!
I have a crazy week at work - last week of the financial year, performance reviews, new staff, interviews. And in between all of that I have to go for a heart scan and then the chemo on Friday. They say the chemo could make me tired.... it's going to be hard to know whether I'm tired from work or the drugs !! 
I have some TV shows saved to watch though. We've just started watching "Girls" and are about to embark on the first season of "Breaking Bad" so at least I won't get bored. And I can always blog .....
I'm not going to ramble on about how sad I am. My mum certainly wouldn't want me to. But I'm also going to make this a short entry as the big week ahead start in just a few short hours and I'm going to need some beauty sleep.
Big thanks go to everyone that has helped our family in the past few months, whether it's just a call or message to say you are thinking of us, or by physically being with one of us helping. Thank you to everyone. The cards, flowers, support, donations, messages.... everything has been overwhelming, but also comforting to know that all over the world we have support. Much love to you all.
And as my mum would say....... night night... god bless


This is the poem that my sister read out at mum's funeral - I think it's beautiful......

Do not stand at my grave and weep, by Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932 
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain. When  you  awaken  in  the  morning’s  hush I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star-shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. 

There were some guys on the trapeze at our local park tonight. 24-June-2012

Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams…… Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before……. Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar…….. And you'll live as you've never lived before……..

I've never felt so sad and numb in my entire life...... and so far away.
Sometimes I feel like it's just not real, and then I realise it is.... and I start to cry. The heaviness in my heart and those moments when the pain in my heart takes my breath away and all I can do is let out a moan of pain as the tears start again, is one of the worst feelings I've ever had. But most of all I hate being so far away from the rest of my family.... I just want to be with them. To share the pain with them, share my tears with them and hug them and have my dad hug me back...... But I know it's just the wrong time for me. I can't delay my treatment - especially not now. Mum would haunt me forever if I did !! God I miss her......
I have two more days of Thalidomide and then that's it for a while. There's a chance I may have to take it regularly after my stem cell treatment.... but I have to wait and see what Dr Ben says in a few months time.
I had a bone marrow aspiration today or a "BMA" as they had written on the form. Have you ever noticed how certain numbers and letters follow you forever? In my life it's number 4 or 41 and then MM (Micromine, Multiple Myeloma) BMA are my dad's initials !! ... anyway I digress !! The bone marrow biopsy was a little painful. No sedative this time... just Dirk's hand to hold onto. (which did get crushed there for a few moments) The registrar did use a local anaesthetic which numbed the surface skin, but when she started to drill out part of the bone it got a little uncomfortable.... to say the least.... and then she went back in for the bone marrow. And the same feelings were experienced again. But overall after about 10-15 minutes it was over and I could relax while I had my Zometa infusion...... no problem.
On the way home we stopped off to pick up my new geeksters (glasses) After realising that I was holding books and labels further and further away from my eyes to read them, I needed to get my eyes checked, the optometrist prescribed me with my first pair of glasses. I figured if I was going to lose all my hair, then I would need something on my face to look nice.... so I picked out some groovy Prada ones !! Mum would have been proud !! Back at home, I started to work as the anaesthetic wore off. By around 4pm I felt like I'd been kicked in the arse.... hopefully all will feel better tomorrow.
Sitting in the Haematology Ward today, we listened to everyone around us. It's a great way of finding out information as most of the patients are going through the same thing. Most of the patients were men of about 55 yrs and over. But they all seemed relatively happy. The man next to me was having chemo. Exactly what I'll be having next week, so Dirk & I were listening to everything the nurses were saying.... suck on ice the whole time to prevent mouth and throat ulcers. Apparently the more you do it, the less chance of ulcers there is..... I reckon I'll be doing that, I'd lick the bloody freezer if I have to!!
But before I start thinking about next week, we have to get through mum's funeral. I can't imagine how my family are all coping. In some respects, I wish I was there..... but on the other hand, am I fortunate that I'm not? .... I don't know.... Friday I'm having a morning tea / champers / get-together in memory of mum for all the friends she had in Perth. I know I'll sob, cry, get all teary.... but hopefully we'll have a good laugh too. That's the idea. No dreary mourning.... more of a celebration of the love mum bought to the different people she met. We have received the most beautiful flowers and cards this week. And the amount of messages has made me cry over and over again. I've said it before, we really are quite lucky to have the love and memories that we have. Even though it's an absolute bastard with what's happened this year. At least we have each other, and the most amazing family, memories and people around us.... for that we are extremely lucky ..... and blessed.

As always it is the middle of the night, and I have to be up for work in a few hours. So must get some sleep.... if my family are reading this, know that I love you all sooooo much. And in about.... 3 months I will be ok to travel again.... so look out !! I will also be very keen to meet my new niece. Not to mention see my other niece & nephews. Love you xxxxx.... and to my mum, I love you forever....

Don't cry for me, Arthur Negus...... The truth is, I never left you ....... All through my wild days, my mad existence .......I kept my promise......... Don't keep your distance ........

Mum passed away peacefully on Tuesday evening with Jo, James & Dad holding her hands and surrounding her with love. It is by far one the hardest moments of my life..... not being able to hug her and say goodbye, not to be there when everyone else is. But I know the last thing she would want is for me to postpone my treatment. To delay everything for her. And to be honest, when I see that cancer has taken her from us, the last thing I want to do is delay my treatment. I am now more determined than ever to beat this.
The lead up to mum's passing was by far the hardest part. Waiting for the news to come through.... writing the letter to her.... and calling her on Tuesday to tell her myself how much I loved her. These were the hardest things I have ever done. Being so far away from her has left me a little numb. But I also have the benefit of being able to remember her as she was before the end. I am lucky in that respect. I will remember her face and her laugh and the picture in my mind will be of a healthy and happy person. Not frail and sick. 
I feel quite sad that I am not able to be with my dad and brother and sister at the moment. They are all together and helping each other through the loss. I am over here separated from them when all I want to do is hug them all and be with them. Life certainly isn't fair sometimes. At least I have Dirk. He has (as always) been amazing. 

And so now the arrangements are being made for her funeral. To say the last goodbyes and I guess, for those of us left behind, to find some closure and peace. 
One of the hardest things to cope with is the random times that sadness hits you. The past few days I've been ok one minute then tears streaming the next. At work, I can be happily distracted with an email working on something, then the next minute overcome with sadness and find myself sobbing. I can't imagine what it's like for dad..... Hopefully time heals and takes away the hits of sadness so they aren't as raw. I don't think I'll ever get over missing mum. I'm already "talking" to her. Everyone keeps saying that she's probably here with me already...... I imagine she's here.... with dad..... with all of us. 
I can't imagine what life is going to be like from now. I've never really thought about what it would be like without my mum. I can't imagine not being able to speak to her, not being able to ask her questions.... ask her for a recipe, chat to her about stuff. Everything is just so unfair sometimes. Dirk said he is going to miss chatting to mum about cricket & current affairs. She loved having a chat. And there were always little "parcels" arriving in the post. Little things that she would see at the shops and we would receive with a little note saying " I saw this and thought of you" slipped inside. Jo & I will have to continue that gesture.  I know that there are so many people that will miss her too. The amount of messages we have all received has been phenomenal. She made friends with everyone. I imagine the girls lunches she was always going to, will miss her company - not to mention the catering she always did too !!
Anyway, next Thursday is her funeral. I have my bone marrow biopsy on Tuesday. Then the following week start the stem cell harvesting..... I'll write more as we get closer. At the moment, all I can think about is mum and how much I love her & am going to miss her.
But I am so thankful that I have the rest of my family. My dad, my sister & my brother and sis in law. My nephews & niece. We are lucky in so many ways. And no matter how far apart we are, our family love keeps us strong and close together. That is one legacy that mum has left us with..... family love and the strength to follow our dreams no matter how much distance it puts between us. Because our love for each other spans any distance and keeps us close no matter what.
I'll always love you mum...... 

You, you may say I'm a dreamer....... but I'm not the only one........I hope some day you'll join us ....... And the world will be as one.......

I've had the sad news this weekend that my mum is quite sick. She has gone back into hospital and is not expected to come home. Her cancer has now spread and her organs are gradually failing. My dad & brother are with her and my sister is flying from NZ to be there too. Unfortunately, due to my cancer & the start of my stem cell treatment, I won't be able to get over to see her. So I have written the following letter to her.....


Dear Mum,


This is a very hard letter to write. But I have to let you know how much you mean to me and how much I love you. You always said if you were sick and couldn't look after yourself, then you'd want someone to shoot you. And I was the child that you knew would pull the trigger !! Well as it turns out, they won't let me come over !! Typical !! It never turns out how you wish, hey !! I'm sorry I can't be there mum. 


My first ever memory that I have, is from Kingsley Crescent. I'm not sure how old I was, but remember that old washing basket you had? The one that looked like a snake charmers basket.... I remember being in the kitchen and standing on my tippy toes trying to look inside it while you were pulling out the washing ready for the machine. I must have been about 2 or 3 because I'm sure that basket wasn't much more than 2 feet hight. Another memory is making tea for you and dad one morning, but because we weren't allowed to use the kettle, we made tea with hot water from the tap !! We thought it was perfect, I'm pretty sure you and dad pretended to drink it !! There are so many memories from our childhood.....


When we moved to Shenstone, we embarked on a whole lot more adventures..... James came along and he became my play doll. Our massive garden became our playground and most of my memories seem to be around summer and bbq's. Memories of you and dad all dressed up, going off to some ball or Round Table / Ladies Circle charter night are so vivid. The smell of dad's aftershave and the vision of you in the most beautiful ball gown walking into the lounge to show us, is something I'll never forget. You always looked so amazing, and so happy. We were always included in the excitement of everything.... whether we went with you or not. 


And then as I turned into a moody, hormonal, crabby teenager I became a nightmare. Arguing at every opportunity..... sulking at everything you said and trying to hurt you with words. I moved to Australia in '89 (aged 19) and even though it was hard for you, I was never made to feel like I shouldn't go. You told me to follow my dreams and that if you were offered the same opportunity, you would have wanted to go too. It wasn't until I was 29, that we really sorted out that moody, crabby, teenager attitude. When you came out to Australia in '99 it was like I was back to being a teenager.... and I acted like one. When Snapper told me off and told me to grow up, I realised I had been acting like a spoilt brat. It was time to be an adult and make friends with my mum. And I think from that time on, we became good friends. I realised what I'd been missing out on. I saw you for the gorgeous, funny friend that everyone else saw. 


Since then, I've loved every minute of our friendship. You are my idol. I admire you so much, the way you effortlessly complete things. The way you organise us all !! We sure are going to miss that. Everyone who meets you instantly loves you. Even over the past 18 months, you have made friends wherever you have been. I'm pretty sure that there will be nurses at the hospital that will be missing you already. 
Mum, I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I am going to miss you every single day. Who am I going to go to when I need a recipe? Who is going to help me sort out my wardrobe? Who is going to pack my suitcase with freshly ironed clothes? I'm so bloody angry that you won't be around. BUT.... it's ok.... we'll all be ok. We'll be ok because we all love each other. We are all so lucky to have the family we have, and with the memories that we have. There's not many families that are as lucky as ours. Even though we are miles apart, we will always be close. 


I love you mum. With all my heart. I wish you peace.
All my love forever - number 2 xxxxxxx