Close your eyes and pretend it's all a bad dream......That's how I get by....... (Jack Sparrow)

So not the best of times this week. Shaking, jitters, tingling teeth & gums, bad taste buds, fuzzy thoughts and the WORST mood swings..... I have been so irritable it's giving me the shits !! I just want to feel normal. I'm sick of people asking how I am and I'm sick of sympathetic looks and sighs. I don't feel like talking about it and I don't want to sit and discuss options on how to possibly "manage" the feelings with diet, exercise or meditation !! I just want to go back to normal....... People being nice to me is making me feel worse. It makes you wonder if telling the whole world about things is always the right decision.... I mean, if I hadn't told anyone, no-one would be treating me any differently. But then, where would I be without all of the support I've already  received? Being alone at the moment is the only place I feel calm. It's the only place I don't have to worry about other people worrying about me.....
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or mean, I'm just telling it how it is. I would do anything to be feeling all warm, fluffy and fuzzy about things. Even pathetic and sorry for myself with Dirk pandering to my every whim would feel better than Jekyll & Hyde !! But I just don't want any of it right now. I keep taking deep breaths and counting to ten...... maybe counting to 100 would be a better idea !!

So what do you do in situations like this?.... shut down and hope it all goes away? ...... carry on and hope that not too many people notice? ......who knows.... I suppose the latter is more my style. There'll be certain people that have to suffer alongside me in silence, and there'll be those that stay well away until it's passed. .....And then I'll be over it (hopefully) & it'll be forgotten. Work is helping. I've had a full-on week with loads to do, so have had that to take my mind off things. But amongst all of the work I've been shaking like a leaf and barely able to cope with the waves of chemicals and emotions swimming about me. All I can do is pray that I get used to it all quickly and it doesn't get any worse than this. I go to see Dr B on Wednesday so will check in with him that this is "normal"

I've just re-read everything back.... it's a bit glum. So I went looking for something to help change my thinking... I found this from Lance Armstrong:

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever."

Quite appropriate I think. And time to get out of the doom and gloom. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get back on track. It's nearly the weekend and there's nothing better than a relaxing couple of days in the sun. We have a friend popping in for a visit on Saturday which should be a laugh. He's over from UK and is an old school friend - I say old because he's much older than I am !! Be good to kick back with a few wines on Sat evening and laugh about stuff. I think a few friends over for a BBQ is in order. (if they dare !!) haha.... and if I feel like crap, I'll take myself away to a quiet spot and let them enjoy my lovely fiancée's company. What more could they want !!

Day27....

"....I don't wanna be my friend no more ......I wanna be somebody else"

I've been very annoyed today.... Not for any reason at all. Extremely irritable and agitated. Obviously I can blame the drugs as usual. That excuse can be used for pretty much everything these days. But today was another one of those days that was completely buzzed out, chemical, teeth achingly bad. But the moods were the worst today. Everything shit me off !! Including the fact that I'm about to get PMS for the first time in 5 years (I had to go off the pill) and also that I haven't had a shit for a week !!! Aarrrggghhhh !!!
Dirk and I also had tea arranged with my besty & her hubby and then they had to pull out at the last minute because of child issues and that shit me off too (sorry snap) not anyone's fault, and in normal circumstances all is forgiven, but not today. Nothing was forgiven today. Dirk asked once too many times the same question and he soon realized that he was no longer welcome in my presence and retreated to the cool air conditioned bedroom with headphones and iPad to watch an episode of The Inbetweeners !!! Who can blame him !!
It's just bloody awful some days..... The shakes today have been really bad. I was walking through the supermarket and had to hold onto the trolley as my hands were shaking so much I couldn't even pick up a box of cereals. I feel like I'm ready to stick it to anyone that may cross my path. Hey.... If you want to vent today.... Give me a call, I'm up for it !!!
These days are probably the hardest for both myself and Dirk. They come out of the blue without warning. I had no idea this morning I was going to be having one of "these types" of days. It just happened. And there's nothing anyone can do. God forgive if anyone tries to help or be sympathetic. That's the last thing I feel like !!
Today I got cross at the world.....

Day25....

Location:Alfred Cove

It's so damn hot!.... Milk was a bad choice... (Ron Burgundy)

Monday again already..... Nixon has been and gone (too sad), I've been proposed to, been bought an amazing ring, started cycle2 of chemo and had the in-laws over for drinks and nibblies to celebrate. And that's only the past 72 hours !!!

Drinks were nice... especially the two bottles of Moët we consumed (after two the previous Thursday evening) I'm getting quite a taste for the champers on a summer's evening. I made some yummy nibbles 

and we settled in to a family gathering of typical 'Bevilaqua' banter around politics and share prices !! I had a nice evening.... enjoyed the wine (after the champers) and welcomed all the in-laws to my family !! ;-) heh heh !! Of which I was then asked if Dirk was taking my name .... now there's an idea !! 
We ended up having a nice risotto with Dirk's eldest sibling & partner (after everyone else had left), who I really enjoy the company of, and I think we went a little too late for Dirk who was a little frazzled and quite tired by 11:30pm. Actually Dirk was a little frazzled way before 11:30pm, but I won't go into that here.....I really hadn't noticed the time at all, it was just nice sitting around relaxing and chatting. But I guess when you've been out all day (at a buck's party with naked waitresses) and don't drink, watching others can be tiresome....


I must say though... I would do ANYTHING to have drinks and nibbles and copious amounts of champagne with my family on our deck, relaxing and laughing. I'm pretty sure there wouldn't be much political or economic chatting (we're not that high brow!) but there would definitely be some belly laughs.  Tears too probably knowing my lot !! But definitely the laughter. It's something you have to get used to when you are all so far apart...... but also something you never get used to.

 ..... an oldy but a goody (Jan 2006)                                 

And so the big questions begin..... when?..... I've no bloody idea. Too many unanswered questions to begin to think about it. If I go for end of the year (when my family are all in NZ for Christmas 2012) and get them to fly into Perth for the wedding whilst in this neck of the woods, I might not be in tip top shape at the time.... what if the stem cell stuff knocks me about a bit and I don't have much hair, and I'm bloated or lost loads of weight that I look gaunt.... What if it's 42C on the day and I have a bloody wig on.....too many what ifs'. But then if we leave it a little later and get married around April / May, can everyone come back at that time?? Probably not two trips in 5 months for my bro and sil (and their family) but I couldn't imagine not having them at my wedding..... so when is a big question.


Where???  Ideally I'd love to get married somewhere that we can stay for a few days. And have as many guests with us for the days too. Bali has been one thought, Margaret River at a winery / resort / spa retreat type place is another. Dirk also suggested one in Aus and one in UK, but I don't like that idea as much....


And then there's so many other things I haven't even given the time of day to yet.... they just sit niggling in the back of my mind teasing me with their little suggestions..... how many?.....cost?..... and all the other weddingy stuff associated to it all. Lucky I spoke to my bridesmaid on the way home today and she suggested an all day planning meeting (avec vino) to discuss. Sounds like a plan Snap :-)


And so it was off to work I went this morning. And threw myself into Monday. It was nice getting lots of compliments from all the girls (and quite a few from the boys too) over the ring etc. But then it was back to reality and down to work. Meetings, meetings, meetings and typical Monday shite.... I was knackered by 5:30pm so hit the road home to my fiancé (hee hee) His birthday present FINALLY arrived. So I handed it over... Now, I knew when I bought it that Dirk is not a jewellery man, he doesn't wear anything (not even a watch) so I took a risk with a piece of "man jewellery" but I wanted something a bit more special this year. And I also thought it would really suit him. I think the jury is still out with Dirk..... he "liked it" but I'm not sure he was totally sold on the idea.... we will have to see ....

I think I'll also get it engraved..... if I can get it off his bloody wrist !! (not a problem I don't think) lol
I also received my Catchoftheday mega purchase from the $10 special day..... a box of goodies that no-one else would ever want.... fabulous !! I was soooo excited. Now to just receive our new chairs & benches for the new table, my new dresses, our Nespresso capsules that you can fill with your own coffee and any other surprises I may have forgotten I ordered at 3am in the morning (oops)
Oh yes... btw... the dress for my friend's wedding has arrived and it fits a treat... a little more daring (as in shorter & tighter) than I would usually wear, but I think I'm going to do it... will keep you posted and maybe even take a pic :-)


The end of our evening was spent once again watching the sunset... quick dip in the pool and tea. And then this bug jumped me.... I jumped, then he jumped.... the I got my camera and flashed him (with the camera not me) and he jumped again..... 


Day24.... my favourite pic so far......

I jumped..... then he jumped......

I dreamed of you at night time ...... And I watched you in your sleep

Well talk about doing something to take your mind off things .... Like a marriage proposal !! Wahoo what a way to raise the spirits and forget about everything (almost)It all came as an almighty surprise. I had no idea that the question was coming. And then the ring !!!! OMG just beautiful. Pink diamonds & diamonds. My absolute dream. But more than anything, just that feeling of happiness. I can't stop smiling, my eyes are shining and I look like the cat that got the cream !!

There's a 1000 questions now though. Where, when, how many, bridesmaids, best man, timing, health..... All things to consider. We started to think that maybe New Year's would be good.... But then what if my treatment leaves me weak & 'sans' hair .... a wig on a 38C day might not be a good idea!! But I want my family to all be able to come & we're all going to be together in NZ for Christmas.... So do we wait another year ?? We also want Dirk's family to all be there too so overseas is probably not ideal either...

I've never been a Muriel's Wedding type of girl. I have never put any thought into my wedding plans, dresses, rings or anything. So now I'm inundated with thought of "shit, where do I start ?" I've been to some pretty fantastic weddings in my time, so if I take all the things I've liked along the way, I'll start there. It's at times like these though, that you wish you had your mum & sister closer :-( even one of my bloody bridesmaids is in Dubai !! Looks like its me & Snapper !!! Nix has already bought me Martha Stewarts wedding planning magazine so I have a great bible to work from !! Thanks Nickers xx talking of which, she left me on Friday :-( back to Dubai and her amazing life !! It was sooo good to have her here. Thank you my gorgeous friend for being here. Love ya heaps xxxxxx

I started cycle 2 yesterday. Big drug day !! Some of everything. I felt mostly ok. By the afternoon I was a little jittery, so I took myself off to Garden City for a meander around. I'm going to get a name for myself as a spaced out girl that walks around, bumping into things and shaking !! But I find it takes my mind off things. I'm not sure Dirk is happy about the purchases made under the affects !! Haha .... at least I have a good excuse !! And a quick glance every now and again at the bling on my left hand certainly lessens the pain :-)

Day21...

It's a beautiful night..... we're looking for something dumb to do.......

Last night was a lovely evening.... I sat outside watching the sunset, had a glass of vino and relaxed. Nic was out with her family as it was her mum's birthday and Dirk was at cricket training. So I had time to myself and enjoyed the peace and quiet for a while. I had time to catch up with my blog and time to ponder on things.... nothing morbid or sinister, just things. I enjoy doing that. Earlier in the morning, Dirk had asked me if sitting outside on our deck watching the world was one of my favourite places to be.... it most definitely is. I love it here. It's like when you're at a cafe by yourself and you get the chance to people watch. I took some pics around the garden for my 365 project and then played with them on the computer. Nothing too exciting, just nice....

Dirk got home around 7:30pm, he had a shower and came and sat with me. We chatted about our days and decided what we wanted for tea. I've been a bit bad lately. Usually it's me that decides what we're having, what time we're having it, if we need any shopping done etc etc..... but lately, I've been leaving it all up to him. Needless to say, take-away has been on the menu a little lately..... or eating out !! When you're taste buds are a shot, the last thing on my mind is what we're having for tea. We used to be thinking about tea at breakfast, but not any more. I can't even decide 5 minutes beforehand what I feel like. And at 8 pm at night, it's too late to take meat out to defrost then make something.....

Anyway.... we were sitting outside just chilling.... and then Dirk started to tell me about the call he made home to mum & dad to say thanks for his birthday present..... "nice of him" I thought. Then he went on to say how he'd had a chat to my dad...... and he paused. "oh shit" I thought, what now? Is dad ok? has something happened at home? what's happened now? I don't think I could handle any more news that things aren't ok..... but as it happened, all he had chatted to dad about was whether dad would mind if he asked me to marry him !!!!!!!

"and so.... Will you marry me?" I started to shake.... started to cry.... and said YES !!! of course !!! We both shed a small tear or two. I'm still shaking now thinking about it (or maybe it's still just the drugs !!) How am I supposed to concentrate with that hanging over my head !! I am so happy. So excited. ME !! Married !! OMG !!! hahaha OK now I'm just being all girly teenager about it.... but I'm allowed aren't I??

I have a nice bottle of Moët Nectar in the fridge. Might just have to open that later.... I've called my family and they all know - tears all around :-) and so now you all know too. Good news hey? the next question is when... where.... lots to think about. But I'm too happy to care about all that now.......

Red Red Wine... stay close to me.....

Woozy factor today is about 50%.... shakes at about 30% Things are definitely on the up :-) But the best thing by far is my back pain.....or rather lack of it.... it is almost gone !! Yay !! Every day for the past week it's been getting better. But today I really feel like it's more of just a niggle than actual pain. Might go for a run to celebrate !! NOT!!
Bruising is now becoming more frequent. I've noticed that the slightest bang results in a grey mark on my skin. I lay back on my chair the other day and now I have a bruised back !! I'll just tell everyone that Dirk's been beating me.... lol !!

My friend & I have been pondering over whether you're allowed to use cancer to get better things .... like if we get a shitty table at a restaurant... can we say "Is there something better?, it's just that.... I have cancer !!" or "can you discount that? it's just that the chemo for my cancer is so expensive that I don't have much money left!!" ......Is that bad? I mean, I figured there has to be an upside to it all doesn't there? Do you get bad Karma for using it? Or is the cancer the bad Karma so it doesn't matter?

My besty leaves tomorrow and boy am I going to be sad. Having her around for the past week has been fantastic. She has been just the thing I've needed to keep me from going insane. Driving me around, listening to me crap on and just being a water nazi. I've got used to her being here now..... maybe I'll play the cancer card on her and tell her not to go "I've got cancer Nickers.... you can't leave !!!" hahaha

There are so many things I want to write, but knowing that people are reading this sometimes stops me. If it was a personal diary, I think I'd be a little more raw. But knowing that family, friends and maybe even work colleagues are reading this, it makes you think twice before writing. I've started so many sentences and then deleted because I've thought "oh shit, so-and-so will read this, I can't say that" and then sometimes I think what the fuck, I'll write it anyway. But I guess at the end of the day, it's MY blog so I'll damn well write what I want. And if anyone uses it against me..... watch out !!!

One thing I've noticed is that the chemo makes your wee smell funny......


Day18.....

Day19....

Go, go, go, Shawty..... Cause it's your birthday..... We gonna party like it's yo birthday......

Probably won't sip Bacardi like it's MY birthday..... but we'll have a good time.

Yesterday (Monday now) was an absolute wipeout of a day. Oh... Em... Gee !! What a trip. There was nothing anyone could do to help. Nothing I wanted and nothing I wanted to talk about. All I wanted was to be left alone to ride it out. To say I felt like shite is an understatement. I have never felt so bad. But again, not in a sick way. My body was swimming with the feelings of chemicals. My head was so foggy, I couldn't stop shaking, every nerve ending was buzzing, I wasn't tired, didn't want to eat, could hardly talk or concentrate.... looking back I can hardly remember being at work in the morning. I think I need to get a new contract signed that allows any decisions that are made during chemo allowed to be changed without notice !! Just in case.

The afternoon was spent dozing and checking emails in between. Always conscious of missing work or letting people down. Yesterday I got a lift in to work. Was still a bit fuzzy and wooly but by crikey's ... No where near as bad !!

I still haven't got back to half the people that have called or messaged me so far. Is that bad ? I guess it's just the thought of being upbeat and positive when you may not actually be feeling that way at the time. Maybe I should start up some conference calls and have some group chats :-) could be a right laugh !!

Dirk's birthday ... it was a slow start to to the day. But by the evening, we had presents, cards & I even baked him a cake !! Yes I did !! We had a fab night out at a groovy little Vietnamese Tapas restaurant. A romantic table for five in the private dining room and a good giggle. I think Dirk had a good time. He's struggling with it all at the moment though. There comes a point when reality hits. And for Dirk, it's been this week. You start to think about what's ahead and then your mind plays games with you throwing out random negative scenarios ... It all gets twisted in your mind and you start to feel claustrophobic. I think that's how Dirk is feeling. (I could be wrong) all I know is that I'm so bloody lucky to have him.

Day17....